February 27, 2005

My Big Fat Story

I was born fat. Honest. At birth I weighed in at 11 pounds and 9 oz. I'm not sure how my mom did it, but she had me naturally... and by that I mean no epidural or anything. I think I was maybe in the second grade that I really started to get FAT. What happened? Well, my parents got a divorce, they both remarried, and I moved with my mom across the state. The pictures of me the year before and the year after are pretty crazy. I'm this cute little 1st grader, pretty. In the second grade I'm FAT and looking pretty rough. My parents are all pretty wonderful. BUT I was always one to hold everything in. I never wanted to burden anyone with my feelings. The first time I UNDERSTOOD I was fat was also in the second grade. They weighed us. I weighed in at 90 pounds. The fattest kid in all of second grade. The next time I remember getting on a scale was at my step-grandparents house. I weighed 120 pounds. I maybe was in the 4th grade. I remember thinking... if I can just stay this weight, then I'll be fine. Well, I didn't stay that weight. I medicated myself with food. I hid it a lot, eating when no one was around... hiding wrappers... By the time I was in the 8th grade I was up to over 200 pounds and wearing a size 22. Kids throughout school always had a way of picking on me. It was horrible. I still have nightmares today about the kids making fun of me. I'd diet, go off diet, and diet some more... going anywhere between a size 16 and a size 20. By the time I got to college I was a 20.

The summer after my freshman year of college my friend pretty much told me that I was huge, and it made me go into this crazy diet where I just drank distilled water and salad. I exercised every day for an hour. I ended up losing almost 40 pounds... it got me down to my lowest adult weight of 210 pounds. I was a size 14 at that weight. I should note that I'm a pretty tall 5'9" and that weight was very good for me. I would have liked to lose maybe 20 more pounds.. but it didn't happen. I met my husband, fell in love and I gained it all back... and then some. I got married at the weight of 245, and 3 months later I was 275 and pregnant. After I had my daughter I was down to about 261, but then my weight just kept shooting upwards. I was suffering from depression and an anxiety disorder. Eventually I ended up in the hospital for a week. I realized that I needed to change. We moved up north from Atlanta (where we had been living) to New York, where my husband is from and stayed with my in laws. I got on a scale there and it hit me like a brick. I weighed 321 pounds. The highest weight of my life. I tried dieting, but always fell off... New York was wonderful for me though. I really learned how to take control of my emotions by SHARING them instead of keeping them inside. I feel so much better about myself now. I know I'm a worthwhile person. I realized that the reason I am fat is because I don't feel I DESERVE to be thin and happy... or I should say I USED to think that, but now I don't. My husband and I have moved again, to my hometown this time. We bought a beautiful home, I have a beautiful daughter, we have a beautiful family and I am a beautiful person. Now it's time for me to start treating myself like one. I'm starting to take care of my body... it's the last piece of the puzzle for me. I want to look as great as I feel.

Through the whole process of depression and anxiety I tried several diets... Weight Watchers, Dr. Phil, etc. Atkins is the only plan that I felt I could stay with. Atkins, when done by the book, is a great plan. So, I am doing Atkins by the book. You will not read about me eating a lot of new "low carb craze" foods. I'm sticking to my veggies, meats, cheese, etc. I will be keeping a food diary throughout the day which I will edit daily. It will have what I eat and the total carb content. I will also be keeping this on fitday.com My start day is tomorrow. So, wish me luck.

Posted by Leah on February 27, 2005 12:05 PM

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Posted by: Elizabeth at February 27, 2005 03:55 PM

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