April 19, 2005
Depression coming on...
I hate it. You can feel it coming on like a dark cloud in one of those goofy cartoon drawings. You look over your head just a moment too late... and then that's it.. it's raining, and all you can do is just stand there.
I'm not sure what has put me into this depression. Perhaps it's the feeling of not being able to ever be good enough. Myabe it's because I suck as a homemaker. Maybe it's because I weigh 300+ pounds. Maybe it's just a chemical imbalance.
I know we all have those days. I guess it's "one of those days" for me. I need to start taking up responsibility in how I feel and WHY I feel the way I do. No one forced me up to 300+ pounds. No one made me eat all that food. No one MADE me depressed. I let myself become this way. At least I realize that. I suppose REALIZING it is the first step to doing something about it.
I'm in this weird place. I have a beautiful home that is only a few houses away from my parents. My parents are huge on all natural blah blah blah. They want me to do everything they tell me to do. Even now, as a married woman. I want their support, but at the same time I know they won't support me in my method of Weight Loss. It's so frustrating! This is what put me in depression last time. I yearn for support from my family, I know I can't get it, then I feel worthless because I can't be good enough. I know this is all in my mind. It's not my family, it's me. I'm ALLOWING them to influence me more than they realize. WELL, SCREW IT!
I'm my own freaking person. I decide how to live my life. I decide what I want to do and when. I decide how I want to lose weight. I choose what is right for me. This is MY LIFE, this is MY TIME... I'm done with it all. It's time for ME!
Posted by Leah on April 19, 2005 10:04 AM