I'm Losing It!

Big Day!

I doubt I have very many readers of this blog, but I like to keep it anyway. I do have another much more "in depth" blog located at http://www.mommyish.net/loser which I post at almost daily. Anyway, I like this blog too. :) Never can have too many..

Anyway, on to the news... Today I am offically under 300 pounds. 299.5 (or so my scale states) I reached one of my short term goals and am down 38.5 pounds. I'm getting closer. I have two more goals that are close by... 296 which is a "10 pound" goal and also 288 which is how much I weighed before we moved to New York... :) After that goal is 275, which is how much I weighed when I got pregnant with my daughter... 261 is my low weight after having my daughter.... 256 is a weight watchers low... 245 is how much I weighed when I got married and also a low pregnancy weight... from there my next goal is 225, my lowest adult weight... (also during this I have my 10 pound goals... so 296, 286, 276, 266, 256, 246, 236, 226, etc..) My ultimate goal is not a weight, it's a size, which for me is a size 12. I'm currently in a size 22/24.

Horrible

You know, I'm ashamed that I haven't written in so long! It's totally a bad thing. The good thing is that I've lost 28 pounds! :) I went down a dress size, I am able to wear a pair of pants I bought last fall, and tomorrow is another day 1 induction. :) I am now promising that from tomorrow I will be checking in at least once a week. :) So, wish me luck. I'm on my way. My goal is to lose another 30 pounds making 60 gone for the year. :)

Day 1 - Starting Anew

Well, here I am. I've done it. I'm one of those people that when I set my mind to do something, that's it. I do or die. After yesterday I've gotten into that mind pattern. I'm ready to do this. I'm excited. I've registered on the Atkins website so I keep a food journal on there, it helps me stay on track. I've also gotten some great recipies!

I'm excited people! This is going to be great!

Depression coming on...

I hate it. You can feel it coming on like a dark cloud in one of those goofy cartoon drawings. You look over your head just a moment too late... and then that's it.. it's raining, and all you can do is just stand there.

I'm not sure what has put me into this depression. Perhaps it's the feeling of not being able to ever be good enough. Myabe it's because I suck as a homemaker. Maybe it's because I weigh 300+ pounds. Maybe it's just a chemical imbalance.

I know we all have those days. I guess it's "one of those days" for me. I need to start taking up responsibility in how I feel and WHY I feel the way I do. No one forced me up to 300+ pounds. No one made me eat all that food. No one MADE me depressed. I let myself become this way. At least I realize that. I suppose REALIZING it is the first step to doing something about it.

I'm in this weird place. I have a beautiful home that is only a few houses away from my parents. My parents are huge on all natural blah blah blah. They want me to do everything they tell me to do. Even now, as a married woman. I want their support, but at the same time I know they won't support me in my method of Weight Loss. It's so frustrating! This is what put me in depression last time. I yearn for support from my family, I know I can't get it, then I feel worthless because I can't be good enough. I know this is all in my mind. It's not my family, it's me. I'm ALLOWING them to influence me more than they realize. WELL, SCREW IT!

I'm my own freaking person. I decide how to live my life. I decide what I want to do and when. I decide how I want to lose weight. I choose what is right for me. This is MY LIFE, this is MY TIME... I'm done with it all. It's time for ME!

Sorry it's been so long!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while! My laptop was sent of to HP because the power cable wouldn't stay in it's port. They did fix it, but by the time I got it back I decided to start using my old computer and let my husband pretty much HAVE my laptop. Either way, that is my reasons for not being online!

I will admit that I am not activily dieting, though I am watching my weight. I am staying at 325 for the past few weeks. I'm not sure my reasons for not dieting... I just haven't had the energy. Stupid excuse, I know... it's just been so busy as of late. I'm still trying to get my home in order. At present my home looks like a Federal Disaster Area.

The one thing I am going to try to do is start exercising daily. I'm going to get the Health Rider from my parents (I used to exercise on it when I initially lost a lot of weight) and use that. Today I am feeling quite motivated to start hanging things up... perhaps finish off my daughers bedroom.

Anyway, I'm off. Wish me luck!

My Big Fat Story

I was born fat. Honest. At birth I weighed in at 11 pounds and 9 oz. I'm not sure how my mom did it, but she had me naturally... and by that I mean no epidural or anything. I think I was maybe in the second grade that I really started to get FAT. What happened? Well, my parents got a divorce, they both remarried, and I moved with my mom across the state. The pictures of me the year before and the year after are pretty crazy. I'm this cute little 1st grader, pretty. In the second grade I'm FAT and looking pretty rough. My parents are all pretty wonderful. BUT I was always one to hold everything in. I never wanted to burden anyone with my feelings. The first time I UNDERSTOOD I was fat was also in the second grade. They weighed us. I weighed in at 90 pounds. The fattest kid in all of second grade. The next time I remember getting on a scale was at my step-grandparents house. I weighed 120 pounds. I maybe was in the 4th grade. I remember thinking... if I can just stay this weight, then I'll be fine. Well, I didn't stay that weight. I medicated myself with food. I hid it a lot, eating when no one was around... hiding wrappers... By the time I was in the 8th grade I was up to over 200 pounds and wearing a size 22. Kids throughout school always had a way of picking on me. It was horrible. I still have nightmares today about the kids making fun of me. I'd diet, go off diet, and diet some more... going anywhere between a size 16 and a size 20. By the time I got to college I was a 20.

The summer after my freshman year of college my friend pretty much told me that I was huge, and it made me go into this crazy diet where I just drank distilled water and salad. I exercised every day for an hour. I ended up losing almost 40 pounds... it got me down to my lowest adult weight of 210 pounds. I was a size 14 at that weight. I should note that I'm a pretty tall 5'9" and that weight was very good for me. I would have liked to lose maybe 20 more pounds.. but it didn't happen. I met my husband, fell in love and I gained it all back... and then some. I got married at the weight of 245, and 3 months later I was 275 and pregnant. After I had my daughter I was down to about 261, but then my weight just kept shooting upwards. I was suffering from depression and an anxiety disorder. Eventually I ended up in the hospital for a week. I realized that I needed to change. We moved up north from Atlanta (where we had been living) to New York, where my husband is from and stayed with my in laws. I got on a scale there and it hit me like a brick. I weighed 321 pounds. The highest weight of my life. I tried dieting, but always fell off... New York was wonderful for me though. I really learned how to take control of my emotions by SHARING them instead of keeping them inside. I feel so much better about myself now. I know I'm a worthwhile person. I realized that the reason I am fat is because I don't feel I DESERVE to be thin and happy... or I should say I USED to think that, but now I don't. My husband and I have moved again, to my hometown this time. We bought a beautiful home, I have a beautiful daughter, we have a beautiful family and I am a beautiful person. Now it's time for me to start treating myself like one. I'm starting to take care of my body... it's the last piece of the puzzle for me. I want to look as great as I feel.

Through the whole process of depression and anxiety I tried several diets... Weight Watchers, Dr. Phil, etc. Atkins is the only plan that I felt I could stay with. Atkins, when done by the book, is a great plan. So, I am doing Atkins by the book. You will not read about me eating a lot of new "low carb craze" foods. I'm sticking to my veggies, meats, cheese, etc. I will be keeping a food diary throughout the day which I will edit daily. It will have what I eat and the total carb content. I will also be keeping this on fitday.com My start day is tomorrow. So, wish me luck.