February 6, 2005
It's been a crazy weekend. I am taking a full load of classes (13) as well as working full time, so I've been loaded down with homework and studying this weekend. It sounds crazy, but at the same time-- I need that constancy, that direction. Too much down time isn't always so good for me, because it lends itself to far too much thinking. This in turn, almost always leads to isolation. And from there it goes downhill.
I love my classes though-- Art (drawing), American Sign Language II, American History since 1865, and Advanced British Lit. It's a LOT more work this semester than last, and sometimes I wonder how I'm going to find the time to do it all. Besides not getting out of class until 9 or 10 p.m. Monday-Thursdays, I also have to fit in time for the gym, and time for my boyfriend. I feel bad that I don't get to see him much during the week-- but he's also very understanding about it, which I appreciate more than I can say.
I am a perfectionist--sometimes to my own demise. I feel guilty for saying no to people, and often overwork and overschedule myself in attempt to avoid any sort of conversation that *might* border on confrontation. I avoid THAT like the plague. So I get stressed out by all the stuff I *have* to do (where in reality, about 80% of it is not a necessity). So-- stress is my current state of being at this moment. I feel guilty when I do something for ME, because then I feel as though I'm letting everyone else down.
I've been studying pretty much all day long. I've been quite productive today, but here it is-- 11:25 p.m. and my mind is still going on overdrive, constantly reminding me of all the things I need to get done. I cause the majority of my own stress, and even upon acquisition of this knowledge-- I don't do anything differently.
On a different note-- I didn't cut last night. The desire, the feeling, the *need* to do it was quite strong. Most of the time, when I'm in that place, I avoid everyone. I don't go anywhere, I don't call anyone, I don't even answer the phone when it rings -- regardless of the person on the other end (Thank GOD for caller ID!). But, there was just a big enough part of me that apparently didn't want to do it-- didn't want to add another scar to the railroad tracks already covering my forearms-- that I answered the phone when my BF called. And, despite the fact that is was almost 1:30 a.m., I gave in to his request for me to go over there and stay the night.
He's always told me that his door is open, so that if I'm having a bad night and can't sleep and cutting seems an option, then to just go over and stay the night there so I'm not alone. Sometimes, it's like he just *knows* when things aren't going well, and he knows when I'm trying to sound and act like everything is fine. Even if we're only talking on the phone, somehow he senses it. So, anyway, I went over there last night instead of cutting. [Sarcastically] Yeah, for me. I guess that's progress.
I need to get back to studying, but needed to de-stress for a moment.
Posted by Wendy on February 6, 2005 9:13 PM