February 5, 2005
I am excited to start a journal through this website. I hope that other people will see and understand me (and possibly themselves) through my writing.
My name is Wendy and I am a 25 yr. old female from the Midwest, and have had an eating disorder for 15 years. I currently teach special education (elementary level) as a para, and am going to school at UNO to major in elementary special education.
I have an identical twin sister, who also has an ED-- though hers began after my first hospitization when I was 15. I've always felt a bit guilty about that, blaming myself for somehow causing her disorder. I wonder too, though, how much of it is hereditary. Food issues-- for lack of a better word-- are rather common in my family, and weight has always been a huge priority. I still struggle with anorexia on a daily basis. Once a way of living has been so ingrained in your head, it becomes your entire world, your entire belief system, and changing becomes so much harder to do. The "nature vs. nurture" debate is a big one for me, as I think-- due to my own circumstances-- that somewhere along the line there is enmeshment.
I attend weekly therapy sessions with a wonderful, caring therapist who has never given up on me--even when I begin to give up on myself. After 2 1/2 years with my previous therapist, I switched to seeing Judy and have been there for 6 years.
I enjoy reading and writing-- poetry and journaling play a big part in my life. They also have allowed me to open up in therapy, and to explain and understand things about myself that I had never taken the time to look at before.
I am a runner and enjoy the freedom of being out in nature, just running. It doesn't matter where I'm going or how far I run-- just the act of running is inspiring to me.
I know this entry is probably pretty boring, but I'll get more indepth about the reality of my life in later postings.
Current Mood: relaxed
Current Music: Teitur-- Poetry and Aeroplanes
Posted by Wendy on February 5, 2005 2:05 PM
Thank you for sharing your diary. I like your webpage and look forward to reading more from you!
Posted by: Pilgrim at February 5, 2005 9:30 PM
Hi Wendy and welcome to the site! I enjoyed your first post. It definitely wasn't boring.
Posted by: Tracy at February 6, 2005 5:23 PM
Hmmmm...Hi Wendy, sounds like you have a pretty full life. So why do you still have the need for this eating disorder of yours? That is a puzzle. I can understand someone who has an empty life devoid of relationships, but you have lots going for you at school and you have a boyfriend.....what's the deal with that Wendy???
*******RESPONSE FROM WENDY*************
This is something I have been trying to figure out for awhile now. When the anorexia first started, it was a coping mechanism. My (now ex) stepfather was very dominant and controlling and my world was thrown completely upside down everytime he was home. There was never any stability at home, and I couldn't count on Mom. She changed from being a Mom, to being distant and silent when K was around. Tears were not allowed at home, neither was voicing any opinions. All that mattered was what K thought or wanted. We all had our parts and played them rather well. The anorexia is about so much more than control-- but I think it started that way-- at least partially. It was the one thing I had that K couldn't take from me. No matter how much I was threatened with hospitalization or whatever, he had no control over it. It was MINE. It soon became my method of coping with EVERYthing in life. Bad day? Starve. Bad grade on a test? Starve. I thought everything would be solved if I were only smaller, less visible, out of the way. And I guess in a way, I thought if I were perfect, than maybe-- just maybe-- K would love me as a father is supposed to. I never knew my biological dad, so K was the one who should have filled that role. But he didn't. Anorexia filled that role--at least, that's what I believed.
K is out of the picture and a new stepdad is in his place. R has been more of a father to me in the last 3 years (although I'm 25) than K ever was in the 18 years he "raised" me. I have so much going for me right now, and yet--- I still hold onto this. But I don't know why. I wish I knew. I wish I could figure it out. I wish the answers were as easy to find as looking up some definition in the dictionary. But it's not that simple. I can only hope that I have the strength to someday make it to the other side.
Posted by: alice webb at February 27, 2005 5:21 AM
It's almost scary how similar our situations are. I am also a twin, my sister also suffers from eds. I'm looking forward to reading more.
Posted by: Trish at May 26, 2005 1:24 PM