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March 21, 2005

It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I've posted here and I apologize for my silence the last couple of weeks. Last week was Spring break and I spent 5 days down in Sarasota, Florida, on Siesta Key. It is one of my most favorite places in the world. Powder white beaches with turquoise waters and the whole atmosphere there is slow-paced and laid back. It was a nice change of pace from the usual everyday hurry that goes along with the rest of my life.

It was hard the first couple of days though, because I was with my boyfriend and we stayed with my aunt and uncle while we were there. That meant I had to follow somewhat of a "normal" eating pattern. This meant I couldn't skip every meal like I do somedays. I suppose that was a good thing though, because I had to eat without racing to the bathroom to purge the second I had the chance. The guilt that followed was horrible though. I found myself having to distract myself by whatever I could, in order to keep myself from purging. This also meant that I drank a ton of coffee and smoked way more than I normally do. I hate the fact that I smoke anyhow...

The wierd thing though, is that I felt like I had gained 20 pounds and was so sure of it, so I avoided weighing myself for a few days. But when I got home, I found that I'd actually LOST five pounds. No-- I suppose that's not a good thing, but it also made me stop and think. My biggest fear in recovery is that I'll start eating "normally" and will keep on gaining weight and not stop. But I ate and actually kept food in for 5 whole days, and still lost weight. I don't understand it. I don't know if I simply just "woke up" my metabolism after years of starving, or if part of it was due to the walking around we did, or if it was just some sort of conspiracy to trick me into thinking I can eat and not gain weight, so that I'll think it's ok to do so, but next time I'll keep gaining. Maybe it's irrational to think that way, but... that thought is there, just the same. I walk an average of 5 miles a day just at work, and go to the gym most days, so I doubt I was working out any more than normal. Which sort of throws out one of the three possibilities.

But now-- after five good days of not purging, I find myself back on that track again and I hate it. I feel so guilty about eating that I can't stand the feeling of solid food in my stomach. I can handle stuff like yogurt or protein drinks or other liquids, but any solid foods (even healthy stuff like fruit or steamed veggies) sends my mind on overdrive and I end up purging. I hate that I do it and I really need to stop. I don't know which is worse: going days without eating, or finally giving in after a couple of days and then purging.

With an eating disorder, it's like there's two sides of your brain. One is the healthy side, and knows what you need to do, and the other side fights that with everything it has. But on top of that, when you also purge on top of restricting, it's like there's a third side as well. The "Ana" side says not to eat, and so I don't and the "healthy" side kicks in and makes me feel guilty for not eating. So then, I try to listen to that side and eat something, but then the "Mia" part takes over and makes me feel guilty for eating. Then I end up purging and feel guilty for that, so the "Ana" side takes over again and I restrict or fast again to make up for purging.

It's like I live in this chaotic, crazy world of confusion and I don't know which way is up anymore.

I'm already getting stressed out about school again. It's so hard to concentrate on what I'm studying, which diminishes the motivation to study in the first place. But when I put it off, I stress about going to class because I don't feel prepared enough--- which means I've skipped a few classes this semester because of it. I really have no idea where my grades stand right now and I'm usually right on top of it. I've always gotten mostly (if not ALL) A's, and have never had a problem studying. But working full-time and taking a full-load of classes is starting to wear on me. Getting my degree is a goal I've always had for myself. The eating disorder never played into that and so I refuse to give up school, regardless of the stress level, because it's one of the few things I've ever done just for ME.

I've only got about six weeks left of this semester, so I need to finish it out and do the best I can.

I just hope my sanity is intact by the end of it....

Posted by Wendy at 06:27 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack