Main » August 2005
August 30, 2005
Running Far, Going Nowhere
So many things to think about right now. My head feels like it’s on overdrive and there’s nothing I can do to make it stop. Nothing I can do to make everything slow down for just a little while. I’ve tried.
Lisa– from the Dr. Phil show-- has called me a few times in the last week. Instead of doing the show on ED’s, they want my sister and I both to be on the show, for one they are doing with sisters who are in conflict with one another. My sister and I get along great, for the most part. The biggest problem though, is that we seem only to relate to one another via the eating disorder. That is the basis of 95% of our conversations and the things we do together. Part of me doesn’t care about that, and actually LIKES having that other person there to “be disordered” with. It sort of justifies what we do (at least in my own head) because it’s not as un-normal when someone else is doing it as well.
But on the flip-side of that, it also makes any sort of idea of recovery seem wrong. I guess one of the biggest reasons I’m afraid to give this all up is because of the thought that I might lose my relationship with Heather. If we only really relate on an eating disordered level, and then I go and focus solely on recovery and work on getting better, it will completely change our relationship. We don’t talk about things on more than a surface level– no feelings, etc.– because that’s not how we grew up. So, we found one thing we both share and understand on more than a surface level, even if we never talk about it. If giving up the anorexia means giving up that relationship with my sister— I’ll keep the eating disorder. My sister means more to me than the anorexia, and I don't want to lose that.
The problem. The producers on Dr. Phil want us on the show, but Scott– Heather’s husband– is adamantly against it. He says it would be an embarrassment to him if anyone he works with or knows ever found out that his wife was “one-half of the crazy, neurotic twins” on the Dr. Phil show. Sunday night, he went off about it, and about how much he hates that show, and how it was humiliating to even have had to talk to Lisa when she called to speak with Heather.
What the F***??? When did this become about Scott? When did all of this depend on what Scott wants or what is best for him? IT’S NOT ABOUT HIM!!!!!!!! This is MY chance to do two things:
1)fix/repair/strengthen my relationship with my sister and be able to tell her how I really feel, and 2) go inpatient somewhere and have all costs for treatment completely taken care of. I’m not going to get this chance again, and I know that after 16 years of this— going inpatient might just be what I need at this point.
But Scott is now standing in the way of that. He told Heather that he doesn’t agree with it, but if she absolutely feels the need to go on the show with me, then she can be assured that when she comes back, Scott will not be there and divorce papers would be in the immediate future. How the HELL can he even give her an ultimatum like that??
I guess one fear in NOT doing this show, is that Heather won’t hear what Dr. Phil has to say, and he won’t be able to convince her that– even if she doesn’t do it for herself– that she needs to work on her own issues for Avery’s sake. At 3 years old, Avery is far advanced for her age and picks up on EVERYthing. She notices when Heather and me don’t eat when I go down there. She picks stuff up so fast. And there is NOTHING I want more than for Avery NEVER to go through what I have. I’ve been through hell and back many times, and yet– if that was the one thing that would keep Avery from going down this path, I would go through it ten times over in a heartbeat. No questions asked. No hesitation. Heather doesn’t listen to anyone. She refuses to see a therapist because of a couple of bad sessions years ago when I first started in therapy. But– for Avery’s sake... it would be good for her. Actually, I would love it if they ALL went to counseling. Heather and Scott definitely have some issues that they need to work out. But– I’m not going to get involved in that aspect of things right now.
I guess I’m a little pissed off that Scott would completely disregard the fact that this is about me... about Heather.... it’s sooooooo not about him. It’s like when I was 15 all over again. When I was laying there for a week on the couch, doubled over in pain, semi-conscious part of the time due to 105 degree fevers, and Kent (ex-step dad) saying I was just faking the whole thing and that no, mom couldn’t take me to the doctor. I wasn’t worth giving a shit about then, and apparently– I’m not worth giving a shit about now.
Added to all of this is now the stress of what happens to school and my classes and stuff should I go inpatient? Will I be able to do some sort of distance learning thing, emailing assignments to my professors; will I be able to do some kind of independent study thing? Would it be better to just take a medical leave from school and pick up next semester? I don’t know. The only thing I do know is that I feel like I’m going crazy sometimes.
This never ends. Ever. I need out of my head for awhile.
August 25, 2005
When Everything Falls Apart
Had a tough session with Judy yesterday. The last three weeks I've ended up crying at some point during the session, even though I try my hardest not to. But sometimes things get overwhelming and I don't know how to deal with it, and I want to cut in order to make it all go away--- but Judy doesn't let me. I guess I should be thankful for that. But that only makes the fight even harder because it's like there's three of us there--- me, Judy and Ana and we're all fighting each other, all of us stubborn and no one willing to give in.
I hate that I fight her on it. It's not really me--- but a part of it is. One side of me knows she only does it to keep me safe from myself, but the other part of me only wants to self-destruct.... to escape.
I stopped over at my parents' house the other day, and my stepdad walks up to me unexpectedly and says-- out of the blue-- "No parent should EVER have to bury their child..." I just looked at him, unsure of where he was taking the conversation. He paused, looked me straight in the eye and says "...and you're on the fast track there." Then he turned around and walked away.
What the HELL was that about???
Why does everyone think I'm about to break? To die? I'm not giving up that easily. There's a part of me that wants to prove to them that I can walk along the edge of all of this... and not fall. That I can self-destruct for no other reason except that I can if I want to. Control.... part of it's all about control. I feel like everyone wants to control me again. They want me to do what THEY think is best for me.
"You're gonna kill yourself, ya know?"
"You're scaring me...." "
"You need to get a grip on this..."
blah, blah, blah.
Do they think I don't already KNOW that??? Do they think I haven't learned ANYthing these past 16 years?? I'm not stupid. I know exactly what I'm doing and where this road will lead me. But even that knowledge is not enough to stop me from heading there. It's like I don't have a choice in this anymore. I thought I controlled it... that I was able to manage it. Enough to keep everyone off my back. But that's not the case anymore. Truth is.... I feel so out of control lately.
Haven't eaten much of anything in the last week, and dammit, I actually feel PROUD. Sick? Yeah. But when I'm in these full-out-Ana modes, I feel better about myself. I feel like I can handle anything that comes at me. That I have all the energy in the world and can just keep going forever. Reality is different, and I'm well aware of that fact. But my mind was never in step with reality in the first place.
Fall Semester began this week, and I'm taking 13 hours, and all day classes except for one. The thing I hate most though, is the fact that first of all-- even though I'm a junior, I know very few people here. I walk to class alone, study in the lounge alone.... and then go up to the cafeteria, get a large coffee and try not to pay attention to all the people around me, eating. God, I swear that's all people do here. Eat, or run. There's a lot of runners on the trails and stuff around campus. I see them all the time.
Every time I drive to campus, at some point I will see this girl walking on the trail who is soooo incredibly anorexic. She's gotta be 5'10 or so, and I would bet money she doesn't weight more than 90 pounds MAX. She's so damn triggering!! Everytime I see her, I feel incredibly huge.
It's not enough anymore just to be thin or skinny, or whatever. I have to see bones. Skeletal. Not an ounce of fat ANYwhere. And I've still got a long way to go.
I need to get to class.. ugh.
August 21, 2005
Can we say HYPER?!?!?!
I feel like I'm flying today. Pete swears I must be on some sort of amphetamine because my sister came up last night and we repainted the kitchen. I didn't even take my ephedra and I'm wide awake. We didn't sleep. Never even laid down. Painted the kitchen, did some landscaping in the yard once the sun began to come up, and went for a nice long run. All before 9 a.m.
As for the house--yeah, it's a rental house, but I want to make it my own, I cannot stand a kitchen that's not in spotless condition.
I'm a coffee addict-- duh--and I decided to go with a coffee theme. So-- the walls are a deep tan color with dark trim. Then the accent color is a deep brick red and the cabinets are white. I've got a bunch of coffee... stuff... and put it up on the walls. It actually looks really good. Sorta this coffee cafe sorta look.
I was joking with Heather and said "hmmmm.... my kitchen is a bit triggering... clean, uncontaminated.. I think I'll only allow myself to have coffee in here." At the time--I thought it was funny. Now--- I'm thinking I was serious.
Pete isn't happy with me. Definitely tension around here. He says he's fine, but I know he's not. He's mad that Heather and I stayed up all night long to paint. No sleep. Haven't slept since yesterday morning, when I went to bed about 4:30 a.m. Got up at 7:30 to go to the gym for a few hours.
Apparently-- he thinks neither one of us should be driving today (we have some errands/shopping to do) and is mad that we still want to go. He's mad cause "it's not healthy and I'm not supposed to be 'giving in' to those sort of unhealthy things. I'm supposed to be working on things in a more recovery oriented mindset. F--- the mindset. I don't choose that. Besides-- what's wrong with staying up one night? Heather and I used to do it all the time... usually 72 hour weekends with Riss.
Fall semester starts tomorrow, and class doesn't start till 11 a.m. That gives me 5 HOURS from the time Pete leaves for work, and I leave for the gym, until I have to be in class. WOO-HOO!!!!! I don't know why I feel so damn self-destructive lately. It's like some little switch was flipped in my brain, and I'm in full Ana-Mode. No holds barred. The thing people don't get is the more I DON'T eat, the better I feel about myself and my ability to handle the world around me. It's more than just a control thing-- but it's definitely a feeling of safety. The weak feeling eventually leaves. And then this amazing high kicks in. Like runner's high during my long runs-- but this feeling can last for days. At least-- until I finally give in and eat something. But then I usually feel too guilty, end up purging anyhow, and then get the pseudo-high that comes from electrolyte imbalance and endorphins. How sick is that? (that's a rhetorical question...)
Found a great quote by Angelina Jolie--- "If being sane is thinking there's something wrong with being different, then I'd rather be completely FU__ING mental."
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Things with me and Pete have been a bit tense lately, and it's all because of the ED and the cutting. I know he hates it, and when he brings it up-- I end up feeling guilty for hurting him or making him worry--- and so I apologize. But he doesn't accept that. He says I don't need to apologize to him-- but to myself. Well-- THAT's never gonna happen, cause I don't feel bad about the things I do to ME. Granted-- I hate the scars, but I don't go out of my way to cover them up. Why should I? I've accepted the fact that I cut. No- I'm not happy about it, necessarily--- but it doesn't really bother me. In fact-- there are times I actually LIKE seeing the scars. Maybe that's messed up, but I never said I was normal. Besides--- until someone can define "normal" for me, in a way that does not involve "societal acceptance" of behavior and ideals and ideology, I have no problem being UN-normal. I'm already an identical twin. That's all the likeness, the similarities to someone else, that I can handle right now.
I need to do a bit of retail therapy. Nothing better to keep one from eating than to go shopping for clothes in smaller sizes. WOOHOO!!! Even better is when one goes shopping and purposely tries on sizes that said person knows will be too small, even with recent weight loss. . hehehe. Besides, if there is such as size as 00, then 0 is no longer good enough. (Not that my fat ass could fit into a zero right now. I'm still in 2's or 4's.
UGH!! Why do I have to be so goddamn fat???
August 17, 2005
So much to think about
I've been all over the place with my moods lately. Half the time-- I'm frustrated/mad/upset for no reason at all (or at least nothing I can identify), other times I feel like crying. Then there are the times I'm super hyper and feel like I have all the energy in the world... That usually comes after a few days of not eating--- the 'fasting high' as I call it. And even still are the days I'm on turbo-self-destructive mode, where all I can think about is how far can I push myself before I break.
Today seems to be one of those days. I think part of it has to do with not being at the school with the kids. They were my life, my world. For those 7 hours a day-- I could stop thinking for awhile. All the negative thoughts and constant fighting in my head between me and the ED was silent. It's like I could leave it at the door-- for the most part. I sooo can't wait for classes to start on Monday. I need to keep myself busy. I can't spend any more time stuck in my head all day long. I'm already driving myself crazy just by thinking so damn much all the time. I need out of my head.
Saw Judy today--- and despite the fact that (once again) I ended up crying in there, it was a pretty good session overall. I don't know. It's just things she was saying... like how I can't keep doing this anymore, and I can't keep cutting and on and on.... all the things that have been running through my head at different times lately. But--of course, I would never say that out loud to anyone. Just when I write. But to hear her say it was like putting a voice to those thoughts... and it made it all too real.
I haven't really eaten in a couple days, and was soooo weak and shakey all day long. Worse today than yesterday. It was all I could do to keep from passing out while I was taking a shower this morning. I had to sit down just to dry off, cause I felt so weak. I considered cancelling my appointment, just for the fact I wasn't sure I had the energy even to drive to my appointment. But.... I went anyhow. Amazing I didn't get into an accident on the way over.
I know exactly why I feel so bad physically. It's cause that's how bad I feel emotionally. So, in my usual way of 'coping', I turn it all physical. Either by starving or cutting. I can deal with the physical part of it. What I can't handle is the emotional side of things. Judy offered me some applesauce.... but there's no WAY I was going to give in. I can't. That's how I know things have gotten worse. Before-- it was 'ok' to eat, so long as someone offered it to me. Then it wasn't like I was really making a decision to eat. Someone else was (sort of). But now-- I'm not even allowed that.
I'm trying to drink enough water so that I stay hydrated. A few days ago-- I was so dehydrated I felt like passing out everytime I exerted much energy at all. Just that sick, nauseas feeling constantly. My skin was like sandpaper and my urine was nearly orange. (Sorry. That's gross.)
Anyway, I couldn't force myself to give in. The second Judy offered the applesauce....I immediately started calculating in my head the calories (both sweetened and unsweetened appplesauce), just in case I gave in. That way, I'd know what sort of damage control I'd have to deal with later. I should probably go to the gym to make up for even thinking about it in the first place.....
God-- I'm not supposed to be thinking like this. It's this constant battle.... yes/no, right/wrong all the damn time, and I can rationalize both sides in a way that makes perfect sense to me. So, how can both sides seem right?
I don't know yet, what's up with the whole Dr. Phil thing. Haven't heard from Kasey yet. I think my downward spiral may be a combination of everything coming together at once. The starvation-induced anxiety, the possibility of doing the Dr. Phil show, the possibility of going IP, not being at work with the kids for the first time in 4 years, classes starting Monday, my grandfather is in the hospital in NC (collapsed and broke his hip, elbow and fractured his foot, due to a mini-stroke of sorts because of a major blockage in the cartoid artery (the major artery along side the neck). He was out in NC visiting his son when it happened, so he'll either have emergency surgery there, or if he's okayed for it-- he'll fly home and have everything done here in Nebraska. It's a waiting game.
Also-- Pam, my sister-in-law, recently found out she has a brain tumor. She is due to have surgery at the end of this month. A week ago, she was in ER due to what they thought was appendicitis, but was really a burst cyst in her abdomen.
It's one thing after another. I don't feel like I ever get breathing room.......
aaaaahhhhhhhh... going crazy.........
August 16, 2005
Another LOOOOONG Night
It's 3:15 a.m. Why the hell am I still awake. Wide awake... I've tried everything short of swallowing an entire bottle of sleeping pills. Pete went to bed hours ago... but I stayed up to check email. I'm more of a night person anyhow. Pete leaves for work by 6:20 or so, which means he's usually in bed by 11 p.m. My usual 'bedtime' is somewhere between the hours of 1 and 3 a.m. Apparently, today is an exception.
I dunno... I just haven't been in the greatest of moods the entire day, and it's like it all just sorta caught up with me at once. I finally tried to lay down about 1:30 or so, and crawled into bed, careful not to wake Pete up. Laid there forever. And then-- because I am soooo sooooo out-of-control these days, I started thinking about the kids at work, and how much I miss them already, and started thinking about how this is Allie's last year in Elementary school--- and I'm not there..... it just really upset me. So-- I didn't eat today. Coffee, water, diet soda. I made dinner for Pete and did not allow myself even a tiny taste of the rice, even though he offered it to me. Nothing. I'm already on hour 26 of no food. Another five day fast? Why not. Like it matters at this point.
Earlier today, I'd gotten the sweetest email from Angie, and just thinking about her email got me all teary-eyed. Then I started thinking about Alex C. and how Angie wasn't there as a familiar voice/face for him. I guess he cried most of the day. Angie could always calm him down. Even just saying her name would make him smile. But she wasn't there today. I guess she had a similar day, being that she is not at the school this year either.
I started thinking about everything, and then I ended up silently crying for a good 10 min. or so, all the while trying to fight back the tears. Didn't work so well. Then.... the one and only thing on my mind was cutting. I was afraid to wake Pete up... but I had to cut. Had to. For a brief moment, I considered calling Judy-- but it's late, and I'd feel bad for waking either her or Pete up. They both have to work in the morning....
I dunno.... bad day. Too much thinking. Too many thoughts. I carefully crawled out of bed, grabbed my new pack of blades out of my jewelry box and laid back down. I contemplated cutting or not cutting.... calling Judy or not.... waking Pete up or not.... and in the end, the blade won. I've got about 10 new cuts on my arms, two on my stomach and the word "Fat" on my stomach as well. Why? Who the hell knows. I had to. There's a part of me that-- while I was cutting-- wanted to just keep going... to make one cut after another, after another, after another, until my arms were raw. I've never felt that 'disconnected' when I've cut before. When I'm in session with Judy and disassociate-- that's a little different. Cutting is something I always thought I had control over. It's soooo not that way, and I'm starting to realize that.
I knew I couldn't face Pete tomorrow with my arms looking like that.
What the hell is my problem? I seriously think I'm losing my mind. I need out. I need help. I need SOMEthing. Only-- I don't know what it is, so I don't know how to ask for it. In all honesty--- I simply want out. Out of my head, my life, my dreams, this nightmare of an existence that I've come to call my own. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep this up forever. I'm getting so, so tired...
August 15, 2005
I HATE goodbyes
I keep saying I'm not going to be this way anymore. I keep saying I'm going to move past all this and find out what life can really be like on the other side of anorexia. But everyday, I find myself reverting back to my same habits and behaviors, and most of the time, I'm not really even aware that I'm headed in that direction until it's too late.
I don't know how many people have told me lately that they're worried about me. How they can tell I've lost more weight, and that I need to take care of myself first.
There are times I really do consider going inpatient-- even if the whole Dr. Phill thing doesn't work out. Pete is supportive of it. He has said over and over again, that no matter what happens, he is not going anymore, and he'll still be there when I return.
I am not working at the school this year. Part of it is due to classes, since I'm taking day classes at the university now, instead of evening classes. Most of the courses I needed to take were only offered in the day. It was NOT an easy decision to give up my job there. I love those kids like they were my own. Special needs kids just have this place in my heart reserved for only them. Especially Allie. I wonder if that's not part of the depression today. Today is the first day back at school for the kids, but this is the first year since I've lived here and had that job (4 years) that I have not been there. It seems weird. I wonder about them. I think of them and wonder how the day is going. I wonder if Allie is getting used to the new environment and the new kids. I wonder how Nick is doing and who did his tube-feeding today at lunch (usually I did it last year). Those kids and that job were my world. I looked forward to getting up and going to work each day. There's nothing else that can compare.
Anyhow, as I said-- part of the reason I resigned is because of classes-- but also because of the fact that I don't know where I stand at this point with going inpatient/the whole Dr. Phil thing, etc. I don't feel it's fair of me to keep my job there, not knowing when or if I'm leaving, and for how long. I can't just up and walk out on them. I wanted to let everyone know ASAP, so I sent an email to everyone a couple weeks ago.
To my surprise, everyone was COMPLETELY understanding and everyone had been sooooooo incredibly supportive of the idea of me going inpatient somewhere. We all went out on Friday for Ann's birthday, and I've kinda been isolating all summer long. It was good to see everyone again. I was a little surprised though-- when I walked in, Keri immediately crossed the room and ran up and gave me a big hug. As did Angie and then Ann. I could tell everyone was looking at me throughout the night. Even the guys --Kevin and Jeff and Dave gave me a hug, saying how much they all missed me this summer.
We had a great time on Friday, and when Keri and Kevin got ready to leave, Keri gave me another big hug, said she's proud of me for even considering inpatient. She said I ALWAYS have a place back at the school whenever I get out of IP, or when I need to do my student teaching, or if I just want to visit. Said that everyone at school feels the same way, and I am always welcome to come and visit them and the kids at any time. She got all teary-eyed, said she'd miss me this year. Then again, she said she was proud of me, that she loved me and to call her anytime, for anything.
I got a repeat of that when Pete and I were getting ready to leave and I told Angie and Ann goodbye. They all said pretty much the same thing-- without having heard the other ones. I know all of them meant what they said, because I could tell it was sincere. I always knew I was part of the team at Disney, but I guess I never realized how big a part I played there. It's nice to know.
Anyway, I have the entire week off before classes begin at the University on the 22nd. I don't know what to do with my time. I've already cleaned the whole house, mowed the lawn, put up more pictures/frames, checked email a zillion times and edited my website www.fromthedepths.tk
I guess I'm headed to the gym. Nothing else to do, and it'll keep my mind off everything. Everytime I think about the kids, I get all choked up and teary-eyed. And I'm not supposed to cry. It's not allowed for me. My rule.
August 9, 2005
My mind is on Overdrive
I don't even know where to begin. It seems like it's been forever and a day since I've seen Judy. She was out of town last week, so it's been almost two weeks since I've had a session with her. I go tomorrow... but still.
I've been busy thinking..... and some more thinking... and not a whole lot else. I cut again this morning, and I'm not really sure why. I don't know of anything that cause me to go there, and nothing specific was in my head at the time... but I just felt this need to do it. I can't explain it any further than that.
Since my long session with Judy last weekend, it seems it's been a little easier to not think so much about certain things. I haven't been focusing so much on past stuff. But I'm not entirely sure if it's because I was sort of able to let go of a few things, or if it's avoidance. Sometimes it's hard to tell.
I spent the weekend in Lincoln for Avery's birthday. She had her b'day party at the gym *they have a "mini-gym" there, and so all her little day-care friends were there, as well as a few from her swimming, dance and gymnastics classes. She had fun. I was a bit surprised that an open room full of toddlers could be so well-behaved! [laughs]. It was exhausting, but fun.
Now for the not-so-fun part. I got a call from Heather Hunter at the Dr. Phil show. Apparently, a month or two ago, in one of my weak, "what-the-hell-am-I-doing-to-myself" moments, I emailed them a brief synopsis of my "story". They were looking to do a show on eating disorders, and were especially looking for those with a family history of it. Well, being that both my mom and grandmother have issues, and my twin also has an E.D., I emailed the show. There is this constant competition between Heather and I as to who weighs less, and it's always there. I don't think it's ever NOT been there.
Anyway, as I'm at 5'8 and appx. 120 right now (UGH-- still FAR too much for my approval), I do not "look" anorexic. I'm not the 97 pounds I used to be at one point, and so, in my mind-- I'm not "sick enough" to deserve recovery. Not until I get back there again. But at the same time, there's a part of me that knows differently. So why the Dr. Phil show? Because I guess there's a part of me that wants people to know that just because someone isn't a walking skeleton, and because they are not on their death bed-- doesn't mean they aren't just as eating disordered as the next person. I guess too--- is the fact that a lot of people think ED's are something one just "gets over" after a brief stint in therapy and a few normal meals. It is SOOOOO not that way. 16 years of this sorta proves that.
Anyway, to make a long story short, Heather Hunter called me last Friday to say they'd gotten the email and wanted to talk more to me about it. So then on Monday (yesterday), Kasey Weber, Heather's research assistant, called me to talk/interview me. We ended up being on the phone for a good 45 minutes or so. And although I was talking to a complete stranger-- it was oddly easy to do so. I generally do NOT open up to people-- even people I know. I usually just keep everything inside. But I talked to her, told her the whole story (minus one little detail from summer of 1991).
We talked for awhile longer, and when we were done, she said that she had a couple more people to talk to, and then she and Heather had to get together to put together some presentation thing for a director's meeting sometime next week or so. At that meeting, they will present all the 'potential guests' to the directors, and they will cast the show from that meeting. I'm supposed to hear back from her in the next week or two.
Now I'm beginning to regret this. I'm stilll FAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR too fat to go on national T.V. They say the camera adds 10 pounds. So even to appear the way I do now, I'd have to lose 10 pounds. I don't have a problem with that--- I just am not quite sure how much time I have to do it. So-- needless to say, I haven't eaten since Sunday night at about 8 p.m. when I had some yogurt.
The other problem is that usually-- for most of these types of shows (I try to catch any of the talk shows when the subject of the day is E.D.'s)-- at the end, guests are offered inpatient treatment, free of charge. Either paid for by the show, or the treatment center itself. Yeah-- that's definitely a positive, but the negative is the idea of going inpatient.
Pete is all for it. He thinks I should do it. He said I wouldn't have to worry about insurance, since it would be covered already, and I could always take a medical leave of absence from school-- and not lose my financial aid for spring semester. He did bring up the point that all this time, I keep making excuses not to go I.P. either because of school, or because of my (former) job at Disney (the school). But without working there this fall, and the ability to take the medical leave--- he says it's the perfect time to go. UGH!
I honestly don't know what to do, and it's all that's been on my mind since Friday. I can't really think of anything else. Is going on Dr. Phil worth free treatment? I don't know I don't know I don't know......
I need to go to the gym. I need to get back to my 3 and 4 hour workouts a day, as there is no way in hell that I am going ANYwhere (dr. phil OR IP) as fat as I am.