August 15, 2005

I HATE goodbyes

I keep saying I'm not going to be this way anymore. I keep saying I'm going to move past all this and find out what life can really be like on the other side of anorexia. But everyday, I find myself reverting back to my same habits and behaviors, and most of the time, I'm not really even aware that I'm headed in that direction until it's too late.

I don't know how many people have told me lately that they're worried about me. How they can tell I've lost more weight, and that I need to take care of myself first.

There are times I really do consider going inpatient-- even if the whole Dr. Phill thing doesn't work out. Pete is supportive of it. He has said over and over again, that no matter what happens, he is not going anymore, and he'll still be there when I return.

I am not working at the school this year. Part of it is due to classes, since I'm taking day classes at the university now, instead of evening classes. Most of the courses I needed to take were only offered in the day. It was NOT an easy decision to give up my job there. I love those kids like they were my own. Special needs kids just have this place in my heart reserved for only them. Especially Allie. I wonder if that's not part of the depression today. Today is the first day back at school for the kids, but this is the first year since I've lived here and had that job (4 years) that I have not been there. It seems weird. I wonder about them. I think of them and wonder how the day is going. I wonder if Allie is getting used to the new environment and the new kids. I wonder how Nick is doing and who did his tube-feeding today at lunch (usually I did it last year). Those kids and that job were my world. I looked forward to getting up and going to work each day. There's nothing else that can compare.

Anyhow, as I said-- part of the reason I resigned is because of classes-- but also because of the fact that I don't know where I stand at this point with going inpatient/the whole Dr. Phil thing, etc. I don't feel it's fair of me to keep my job there, not knowing when or if I'm leaving, and for how long. I can't just up and walk out on them. I wanted to let everyone know ASAP, so I sent an email to everyone a couple weeks ago.

To my surprise, everyone was COMPLETELY understanding and everyone had been sooooooo incredibly supportive of the idea of me going inpatient somewhere. We all went out on Friday for Ann's birthday, and I've kinda been isolating all summer long. It was good to see everyone again. I was a little surprised though-- when I walked in, Keri immediately crossed the room and ran up and gave me a big hug. As did Angie and then Ann. I could tell everyone was looking at me throughout the night. Even the guys --Kevin and Jeff and Dave gave me a hug, saying how much they all missed me this summer.

We had a great time on Friday, and when Keri and Kevin got ready to leave, Keri gave me another big hug, said she's proud of me for even considering inpatient. She said I ALWAYS have a place back at the school whenever I get out of IP, or when I need to do my student teaching, or if I just want to visit. Said that everyone at school feels the same way, and I am always welcome to come and visit them and the kids at any time. She got all teary-eyed, said she'd miss me this year. Then again, she said she was proud of me, that she loved me and to call her anytime, for anything.

I got a repeat of that when Pete and I were getting ready to leave and I told Angie and Ann goodbye. They all said pretty much the same thing-- without having heard the other ones. I know all of them meant what they said, because I could tell it was sincere. I always knew I was part of the team at Disney, but I guess I never realized how big a part I played there. It's nice to know.

Anyway, I have the entire week off before classes begin at the University on the 22nd. I don't know what to do with my time. I've already cleaned the whole house, mowed the lawn, put up more pictures/frames, checked email a zillion times and edited my website www.fromthedepths.tk

I guess I'm headed to the gym. Nothing else to do, and it'll keep my mind off everything. Everytime I think about the kids, I get all choked up and teary-eyed. And I'm not supposed to cry. It's not allowed for me. My rule.

Posted by Wendy on August 15, 2005 11:51 AM

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