August 17, 2005
So much to think about
I've been all over the place with my moods lately. Half the time-- I'm frustrated/mad/upset for no reason at all (or at least nothing I can identify), other times I feel like crying. Then there are the times I'm super hyper and feel like I have all the energy in the world... That usually comes after a few days of not eating--- the 'fasting high' as I call it. And even still are the days I'm on turbo-self-destructive mode, where all I can think about is how far can I push myself before I break.
Today seems to be one of those days. I think part of it has to do with not being at the school with the kids. They were my life, my world. For those 7 hours a day-- I could stop thinking for awhile. All the negative thoughts and constant fighting in my head between me and the ED was silent. It's like I could leave it at the door-- for the most part. I sooo can't wait for classes to start on Monday. I need to keep myself busy. I can't spend any more time stuck in my head all day long. I'm already driving myself crazy just by thinking so damn much all the time. I need out of my head.
Saw Judy today--- and despite the fact that (once again) I ended up crying in there, it was a pretty good session overall. I don't know. It's just things she was saying... like how I can't keep doing this anymore, and I can't keep cutting and on and on.... all the things that have been running through my head at different times lately. But--of course, I would never say that out loud to anyone. Just when I write. But to hear her say it was like putting a voice to those thoughts... and it made it all too real.
I haven't really eaten in a couple days, and was soooo weak and shakey all day long. Worse today than yesterday. It was all I could do to keep from passing out while I was taking a shower this morning. I had to sit down just to dry off, cause I felt so weak. I considered cancelling my appointment, just for the fact I wasn't sure I had the energy even to drive to my appointment. But.... I went anyhow. Amazing I didn't get into an accident on the way over.
I know exactly why I feel so bad physically. It's cause that's how bad I feel emotionally. So, in my usual way of 'coping', I turn it all physical. Either by starving or cutting. I can deal with the physical part of it. What I can't handle is the emotional side of things. Judy offered me some applesauce.... but there's no WAY I was going to give in. I can't. That's how I know things have gotten worse. Before-- it was 'ok' to eat, so long as someone offered it to me. Then it wasn't like I was really making a decision to eat. Someone else was (sort of). But now-- I'm not even allowed that.
I'm trying to drink enough water so that I stay hydrated. A few days ago-- I was so dehydrated I felt like passing out everytime I exerted much energy at all. Just that sick, nauseas feeling constantly. My skin was like sandpaper and my urine was nearly orange. (Sorry. That's gross.)
Anyway, I couldn't force myself to give in. The second Judy offered the applesauce....I immediately started calculating in my head the calories (both sweetened and unsweetened appplesauce), just in case I gave in. That way, I'd know what sort of damage control I'd have to deal with later. I should probably go to the gym to make up for even thinking about it in the first place.....
God-- I'm not supposed to be thinking like this. It's this constant battle.... yes/no, right/wrong all the damn time, and I can rationalize both sides in a way that makes perfect sense to me. So, how can both sides seem right?
I don't know yet, what's up with the whole Dr. Phil thing. Haven't heard from Kasey yet. I think my downward spiral may be a combination of everything coming together at once. The starvation-induced anxiety, the possibility of doing the Dr. Phil show, the possibility of going IP, not being at work with the kids for the first time in 4 years, classes starting Monday, my grandfather is in the hospital in NC (collapsed and broke his hip, elbow and fractured his foot, due to a mini-stroke of sorts because of a major blockage in the cartoid artery (the major artery along side the neck). He was out in NC visiting his son when it happened, so he'll either have emergency surgery there, or if he's okayed for it-- he'll fly home and have everything done here in Nebraska. It's a waiting game.
Also-- Pam, my sister-in-law, recently found out she has a brain tumor. She is due to have surgery at the end of this month. A week ago, she was in ER due to what they thought was appendicitis, but was really a burst cyst in her abdomen.
It's one thing after another. I don't feel like I ever get breathing room.......
aaaaahhhhhhhh... going crazy.........
Posted by Wendy on August 17, 2005 3:24 PM