September 21, 2005
Too Early To Be Thinking So Much
Sometimes I amaze myself with just how out of control I can feel, yet still hold myself together and appear absolutely normal. Granted-- there are a few people who see through the facade, but for the most part-- no one does. They all close their eyes and turn the other way. It's frustrating.
Pete got home from work yesterday evening, and was barely home an hour when he-- out of the blue-- grabs my arm and pulls me into the bedroom and tells me to sit. So I do. He then proceeds to hold my left arm up, and start taking off my watch. I was like, "what....?" trying to pull away. "I just wanna see," he says. And I can't fight it. He takes off my watch, sees the cuts. I try to tell him they were from "before"-- that ever elusive, "before". He doesn't buy it. "This is new," he says. "And this too....." Thank god he didn't do a "check" for further cuts or he would have seen the word "FAT" re-cut into my stomach.
But then the worst of all..... Pete gets all teary eyed, telling me I'm out of control, that I have to stop, and on and on. And I sat there, unable to speak. The only thing I could say, was "I'm sorry". And he says, "yeah, I know you are. You're always sorry. And I believe every word of it, cause I know you mean it.....but that doesn't change things or fix them."
So what does he expect me to do then? To just stop? He says, "ya know... if I really wanted to, I could have you committed for attempted suicide. They'd only be able to keep you for 72 hours, but at least you'd be on constant watch for that long."
I just looked at him, terrified of what to say. I can't believe that he'd actually DO that, let alone THINK about doing it. He says, "you're disappearing before my eyes. Destroying your life and there's not a damn thing I can do about it." At least he's right on one thing.
I hate that I hurt him with what I do to myself. I hate that it affects him so much. I really do. But I can't just give this up. I can't just walk away. I promise him I'm not giving up. I promise I'll try harder, that I'll do better. But I know I don't really mean it, because it's not something I really have control over in the first place. I don't know.....
Here in Omaha, there's not any place for ED's for adults. They only have the Children's ED unit at Children's Hospital. But that stops at like age 18 or 21. After that, they're kinda like.... F.U. if you have an ED past that age. (I mean, they won't acutally SAY that, but not providing any such place for adults, and cutting funding for other similar places is basically saying the same thing). As an adult, you get the psych ward here. Kayla's already been there.... I don't think I wanna spend any time there myself.
Anyhow, it's too early to be thinking so damn much. I need to go to the gym. I have 3.5 hours until I need to be in class. Enough time to at least make a miniscule attempt at furthering my disappearance.
Posted by Wendy on September 21, 2005 5:32 AM