November 18, 2005
Unintentional Poetic Rambling...
So many thoughts inside this ravaged mind falling like the snow outside, swirling in chaotic confusion. Trapped within this prison I've created, no place to run. Sixteen years later--still here, still fighting a life, a mind, eternal internal feelings that just won't disappear.
And the scars are only a temporary fix. They heal. What's left inside never heals. Never stops. Never quiets.
It never. Goes. Away.
I want to scream and cry. Throw something against the wall. I want to tear apart the body, the skin. Show what I feel inside cause they've simply never seen. Make me disappear. Make me invincible. Make me pure like the winter's first snow, falling in silence just as I do now. It's grip is getting tighter. Stronger. I can't fight it any longer, and I don't know how much more I can take.
I wonder when this changed. Wonder when this all got so crazy. So out of control. Wonder when and why. Wonder how I'll ever learn to let it all go, to give it all up, without giving up myself in the process.
And Judy says my words aren't REALLY mine. "Your words lately are so clearly that of the eating disorder." And I want to cry. Feel it all rushing to the surface, drowing me inside. Cause I've never felt more sure. Never felt more intensely alive. Starvation has that effect. I've never felt more able to clearly state these thoughts, feelings, all that's going on. I can handle a lot of things-- but what really shook my balance and threatened my grip was when the one thing I thought I still had left, apparently disappeared. I'm not even ME anymore. It seems my moments of absolute clarity are only figments of a captive mind. So much so, that I never saw it coming. Never saw the descent. Never saw me fall. But here I am, lying on the floor broken and bleeding.
External wounds are never big enough, deep enough to show all that's left inside.
But even after all these years, I'm still here. Still breathing. Still living. Still fighting. Some little ray of hope exists. Some tiny, miniscule part of my soul the anorexia never had a hold of. I can't make promises. I can't predict the future. But I'll do my best to keep from crossing that line.
Balancing on the edge, wondering how much further I could possibly fall.
Posted by Wendy on November 18, 2005 9:15 AM
Comments
That is beautiful yet sad.Just wanted to let you know it was read by me :o)If you still keep feeling worse than usual try to get back on some Effexor,its a chemical we are lacking that makes us feel so horrible that it helps to correct,maybe take it every other day.I had to get back on mine my life seemed pointless yet I had everything I needed and no big worrys.I kept thinking what the hell am I so upset about? Everything just seemed huge and so wrong,more than normal.
It can make a big differance.
Hugs,
Monica
Posted by: Monica at November 19, 2005 3:35 AM
I never knew that the other side of the scale looked so like my side until I read this.
Your thoughts so clearly describes how I feel too often.
Posted by: Wenchy at November 19, 2005 5:37 AM
I was in wisconsin for the holidays(11 days) and it eventually becme hell. I almost killed my self as well. Just holding a pill bottle in your hand and knowing that all this SHIT could be over,fade from my mind, my life. My WHOLE family was there and I was bringing every single one of them down with me. I couldent do it. My grandma, which I adore said if I killed my self I was killing her,my mom, my dad, and everybody. The intense guilt just got to me and i couldent do it cuz i love all those people so much. So i settled for an arm full of cuts. Anyways, hang on to that part of you that you know is still YOU! Never let it go. Hang on to it and let it spread. I take 80mg of Prozac and i can see that it has overall improved my out-look on life. It also makes me completly numb. Before the last weekend, I couldent remember the last time I cried. But I like not feeling anything... to an extent, i guess. Sorry for my pointless ramblings, guess i have nothing better to do with my time (I am to "unhealthy" to go to school).
hold on...
Cassidi
*********************
Cassidi--
Promise me that you'll do the same. Several years ago, a friend once told me "don't give up the fight just yet. You never know, tomorrow may just be the greatest day of your life." That has stuck with me through the years. Even in the worst of moments-- I remember that, and I can't bring myself to break that promise...
Somehow-- things have to turn around, right?
Wendy
Posted by: Cassidi at November 29, 2005 2:36 PM