December 29, 2005
8 Days and Counting
i have 8 days, including today, until i leave for Canada. Time seems to have accelerated at an alarming rate, and there's nothing I can do to stop it-- or at least suspend it temporarily. So many things to think about and to get done before then. And i don't know where to start.
The closer it gets to next Friday--- the more tempted I am to cut. To starve, to work off every last bit of self at the gym that I possibly can. Why? i don't know. Logically-- i know it isn't going to help me any. And at the same time, the desire to even care is greatly diminished these days.
So many people tell me they're "proud" of me for doing this. i know they believe it for themselves, and they deserve to feel however they do about it..... but 'proud' is not the word I would choose. People are proud of someone for their ability to achieve something, to accomplish something. I've merely given in. I don't see how that fits with the Webster-ian definition.
i guess in my mind--- it IS giving in. Going inpatient means that somewhere along the way--- i lost control of all of this. i was unable to handle this on my own. Case in point is this last semester in school. About the time i agreed to go to Westwind, is about the time I gave up on everything else, school included. i've gone from a nearly 4.0 student a few years back, to my current GPA of 1.5. Not that it matters much since I am taking a medical leave from school for next semester, but i have lost my financial aid for spring semester, as well as my place in the College of Education. When i return, i will have to re-enroll in a different college (probably arts and sciences or something) for a semester and then re-apply for College of Ed. If they'll take me back. Can we say F A I L U R E???
The only thing on my mind right now is cutting. As though that will some how make up for it. i know it won't--- but i'll take the temporary reprieve at the moment.
The only thing on my mind right now is Westwind. i haven't even STARTED packing yet, let alone even thinking about what to bring. Every time i start to--- it gets far too overwhelming and i do whatever it takes to make the thoughts go away.
My aunt called a couple nights ago and we were on the phone until sometime after 2 a.m. Just as it is whenever I see Teresa-- i felt a bit more hopeful about things. But that too was only temporary. I woke up and it had all disappeared. i DO want things to be different. i do. But the fear is so much stronger. People tell me that it's all about choices. That i can choose to be happy, or do things differently or not give into the eating disorder. Yeah-- on the outside it may seem that simple..... but it's not. If it were--- i'd have done it long ago.
This isn't some game i'm playing for attention or sympathy. Take your fucking sympathy. I don't need it. I don't want it. I've heard-- from more than one person-- the "victim" philosophy. That I'm playing the part of the victim, blaming everyone else for all of this. That the only person to blame is myself, for how I reacted to things. Apparently i should have "chosen" differently. Apparently, when this all began, i should have magically known what to do and how to deal with life on my own. i DON'T blame other people for this. i only blame myself. And i've never seen myself as a victim of circumstances or other people's actions. Only of myself and my own mind.
And no one understands that.
Damn-- I HATE crying....
B and i talked for quite awhile about living one's own life, rather than giving into the rest of the world. About creating a "center" of oneself that is strong enough to withstand whatever is thrown in one's path. i did feel a lot more positive after our conversation. But i don't know how to make it last.
I need to stop thinking right now.......
Posted by Wendy on December 29, 2005 9:35 AM