December 30, 2005
Another Sleepless Night
Too much thinking, worrying, overanalyzing everything has left me in a state of anxiety and insomnia. The only relief i had this week was Monday and Tuesday when Pete and i both fell asleep with NyQuil in our systems. And yeah-- i actually needed it then. i think the weekend just wore us both out, and by Sunday night, neither of us felt very good. i even stayed home from work on Monday cause of it. i hurt all over--every muscle, every joint. Dizzy, just overall not good. Those two nights of NyQuil gave me better sleep than i've had in weeks. hmmmmmmmmmm [ponders the thought of making it a nightly habit]
i cut today. numerous times. both arms. i did good for about 3 solid weeks if you only count the use of a blade. Cutting is slightly different from self-injury. Not by much. Maybe saying that is simply my own screwed up justification for it. Whatever. doesn't matter. The thing is-- once i do it, the thoughts are there constantly. And i see the cuts and it only makes me want to do it again. Pete hates it. Asked if i did it today and i couldn't lie. I usually only do the left arm [right-handed], so that's the only sleeve he pulled up. i tried to pull my arm away but he wouldn't let me. The thing i don't get though-- is that if he asks and i tell him the truth, he gets mad. Would he rather i lie about it? So-- we've spent the evening in our own separate worlds. He went to sleep a couple hours ago. No goodnight. Nothing. Didn't even tell me he was going to bed.
i cut because I wanted to. Needed to at that given moment in time. The last two days I was able to distract myself long enough to avoid it, but not today. i probably should have called Judy, but since she wasn't in the office today-- i assumed she had something else going on and wouldn't be home to take the call anyhow. Another stupid excuse I guess.
This time though-- (at least right now) I don't regret doing it. I really don't.
Just a bad day overall, i guess. First i cut, and then decided i was going to dye my hair back to black. It fit my mood. The general darkening of my mind, my thoughts these days. i don't know if i'm angry at the world or just angry at me. Either way-- there are moments in my weeks lately where that feeling is so strong it scares me. And it doesn't even have to be something big to send me in that direction. I hesitate to call it... rage... but for a few moments.... that's what it feels like. Or maybe i've denied myself the ability to feel anger in the first place, that any sort of feeling that is stronger than 'annoyed' or 'frustrated', feels like rage. I'm not, by nature, an angry person.
Pete says he's scared. I tell him I'm fine. I'm not doubting how he feels, but it's not like i'm going to just keel over dead in the next week. Pete says he worries i won't even make it that far. I'm not stupid--- I don't make vertical cuts down the center of my forearm, so it's not like i'm going to 'make a mistake' or 'slip' and cause some kind of damage that I can't undo. it's more like I'm just mad at the world and daring it to push me off a cliff... just to see if i can fly... Teasing death, but not sure of what the outcome will be.
Walking the line.... just to fucking prove I can.
the sad realization i've come to--- is that in the end, it really doesn't matter. To ME it does... i guess. I dunno--- maybe I'm the only one it has to matter to in the first place.
2:12 a.m. and I can't sleep and I don't want to write anymore. ......
Posted by Wendy on December 30, 2005 2:12 AM