December 15, 2005

Flashbacks and the 5 Senses.. or something like that

i don't know what it is, but everything lately... gets.... to me. The weather, the look of the sky, a song, a comment... it all brings me to this place i don't really want to be in. Hard to explain-- but it's like little.... flashbacks... of some former moment in time. Just the other day i was driving home from class, and the way the sky looked was what i remembered it being like when i was in Philadelphia. And then i started thinking of Shannon and wondering how she's doing and what she's up to. i wonder if she's even still alive. i've actually looked online a couple of times at the newspapers out there, checking the obituaries.

The only thing on my mind right now is going to Westwind in January. I've lost 5 pounds since Sunday, and yet-- it's not coming off fast enough. Then again, I don't think it will ever be fast enough. i've had finals this week-- and i'll be amazed if i pass all my classes this semester. Right now, school is the last thing on my mind. The Ritalin i got from ________ helps with the studying for finals though. i'm at least able to concentrate long enough to remember what i've just read, and then to subsequently remember it when i take the exams.

After this week though-- i'm done with school until Summer or next Fall. i walked out of my horiticulture exam, walked across campus to my car and had to fight back tears on the way. i dunno-- i guess it's becuase of the fact that i know i won't be there next semester. And i feel like a failure for going inpatient and not being able to handle this on my own.

And the more i think about it-- the more guilty i feel for going because of my job. i know I used that excuse with Denver cause of the kids at work.... but still... knowing it's an excuse still doesn't lessen the guilt any. The thing is-- i'm not even thin, let alone "too thin", thereby requiring IP treatment. So i have no idea how i'm going to explain it to people at work, for why i need to take two or three months off. I do NOT look sick in any way, shape or form. No way in hell. There are a hell of a lot of other girls who are 10 x's smaller than me, who deserve to go to Westwind. Not me. Biggest fear? Pete and I will drive all the way up to Canada, they'll take one look at me and tell me to turn around and go home. Reality says differently, but the logic in my head doesn't. http://www.xanga.com/item.aspx?tab=weblogs&user=AnaRunner&uid=405163279
A couple of pics to prove my point.

I need to stop thinking. Stop feeling. Stop everything right now.....

Posted by Wendy on December 15, 2005 10:13 AM

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