Main » May 2006
May 10, 2006
I thought I'd be out of here by March 8th. That was--apparently-- me being HIGHLY optimistic about the whole recovery thing, thinking that 8 weeks would be enough time to undo 16 years of eating disorder thought, behaviors... life.
It's been a long, hard road. It's been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But it is the one thing that has made all the difference. Yes, it's been hell. Yes, I've spent weeks balancing precariously on the edge, wondering which way to fall. Wondering which road to take, which path is really the best option. I find sanctity in sickness, but I'm also finding it in health as well. I think sometimes I forget just what life was like. I haven't purged in almost 14 weeks. I'm still working on the restricting though, even after 4 months. And the cutting has been more prominent as of late. I went 10 weeks without doing it even once, and then things got chaotic. I spent two weeks at home at the end of April-- due to my grandfather's unexpected death. But I did get to see him before he died.
Those two weeks at home were much harder than I'd expected, and I wasn't at all prepared for it. Within half an hour of getting the phone call from my mom, I was in the car, headed for the airport.
Read my xanga site (www.xanga.com/anarunner) if you want more updates from my time here at Westwind. I've been keeping that one fairly regularly updated.
My time at home really threw me off track and it's been hard getting back. I'm working on getting my intake up to 1200 a day, 1000 minimum. And some days, that's an incredible struggle. But I'm not completely giving up yet.
It seems so much easier sometimes to just give up the fight. To just go back to the way things used to be. But-- glamourization aside-- it was hell. Read my past journal entries. Sometimes I have to go back and reread poetry, journals, old emails to remind myself of why I need to keep working and keep moving forward. I can't go back to that life, no matter how much I may want to at times.
My four month "anniversary" here was yesterday. I've been here since January, and it looks like it'll be another month or so before I leave. But I want to be in a place where I can maintain my progress for a few weeks, because it'll be a hell of a lot harder to make any big changes once I get home. Even gradually increasing my intake will be hard there, and I'm not in a place right now where I've even reached an acceptable intake level.
But anyhow--- I'm doing ok here. I'm making progress even though it's hard to see that at times.
All I can do now is just keep moving forward....