In my sessions with my therapist we work at thigs like doing the acceptance thing and loving myself. Even the Bible tells me to love my neighbor as myself, so I must surely be able to love myself. It is just going to take me a while getting there. Some days I do pretty good at it and other days have turned out just plain old depressing.

I'm glad to be working on these issues though. The one thing I DON'T want to do is to stay anorectic for all of my life. The mental illness stole much happiness and enjoyment from me for the first half of my life and I do NOT intend on letting this happen for the rest of my life!

I've found out that there were things that happened in my very early childhood that most likelly started the formation of an eating disorder in me. That's long before I previously thought it got going. But new information has shed light on certain things and my therapist thinks that my eating disorder began as early as infancy. Strange.....but useful to know!

One thing I have been doing is to sit for one hour after eating a meal. This has been difficult for me to do as I am used to getting out and burning off the calories I just ate. My T wanter me to get used to what it felt like to feel "full" and not have it be a horrible ecperience. My burning off calories was counterproductive to me and was just another method of purging. I have been faithful in sitting for that hour. It hasn't always been easy....but I am determined to not let this eating disorder consume anymore of my life than it already has.

Another thing I'm doing is to eat when I am hungry. This too has been difficult. I am accustomed to waiting many hours before finally eating. It's nice to walk around not feeling starved half to death...but I also have to recognize that I will put on weight by doing this. I don't care so much about the weight. As long as I stick with my daily Pilates workout I think I can manage.

Something I just found out is that most people with eating disorders also have something called Body Dysmorphic Disorder. That is when you cannot see yourself as other see you .....which is part of the reason I always look "fat" or just right to me....when other see me as very thin. To combat this I do my Pilates workout and try to accept my body as it is. Through the stretching exercises I can come to own my body instead of letting a mental illness own me.

Eating hasn't been a problem for me lately and I've backed off my exercise routine to just every other day. This seems to be workng out for me lately.

So...it has been difficult...with hard decisions to be made. At times I feel like I can't handle it anymore and I will call my church and ask them to start praying for me....my son and this whole situation.

My new job is going fairly well...thank goodness!!!  I actually fnd myself lookig forward to going in to work!

Also,  my weight and eating have remained consistant...whic is a huge step forward for me.  I have faithfully seen my therapist also.  So, all in all I'mding pretty good!

What can I say?  I am trying to cope, doing ok with it...but have a broken heart!

 
Today he is supposed to be started on new anti-psychotic meds.  I have no idea how long it will take for them to kick in and work.  They took 4 mos to get out of his system....I only hope it doesn't take that long for them to do their work in him now.  I miss him and I have got to get myself ok with him living in a group home.  With the help of God and supportive people in my life I will try to be strong for the sake of my family.  I am needed to hold things together.

 
Well, this is just another hurdle to get over in life.....they come and go.  Some more difficult than others.  This one really hurts.  When you see one of your kids lose almost all of their cognitive abilities, their memory, and just about everything else it is difficult to feel anything but pain and grief.  I"ll get through it like everything else...but it just breaks my heart.