The Abyss of Bulimia

Long time, no write...

Wow, it has been so long since I wrote an entry in here. School has been so stressful, and on top of that I was really sick for about a month... I was out of school and everything. I had to go to the emergency room twice... and I just felt like I was dying. They never even figured out what it was, but as of now, I am better. As far as my bulimia goes... I'm trying. I am still working on it. It's a struggle every day, but I can definitely say that I have been doing a lot better than I was a few months ago. I am able to go a few days without any b/ping which is just awesome for me. I find that I am so much happier. The b/ping only brings a temporary happiness and then I just get down again. On days when I don't b/p, I am more likely to get up and shower and go out to do stuff. On days when I do b/p, I don't go out. I stay home because I feel fat and worthless. I have been able to identify some of the reasons that I b/p, and now I need to figure out ways to avoid those situations and feelings. I really hope I can beat this by the time I go into college because it'd be so hard to deal with when I am living with other people in an apartment or wherever. I am going to get an HIV test on January 3rd because I am really worried about it. I was raped last spring break, and with getting sick and just some other symptoms I've had, I think it's better to be safe than sorry. We're celebrating family Christmas today and I am worried about the whole food situation. We're only celebrating at my dad's today. Tomorrow I leave for Arizona with my mom, brother, and sister... so that's definitely going to be hard as far as b/ping goes. I will have no opportunity to because I will be with them in a hotel all the time... that's good though. Maybe that will help me fight it even more. I just hope it goes that way instead of just making me really frustrated. Only time will tell... Well, I still need to wrap some gifts, but I hope that every has a very merry Christmas! Take care :) Love, Ashley

Doing a little better...

Well I have definitely been doing better.. I never made a meal plan like I said I was going to, but somehow I am still doing better. I think that the fact that I started school again is helping because I am there until 3 every day. Then I come home and do homework or sleep. I hope I don't jinx myself by writing this, haha. My mood is better since I've been handling the eating situation more. I am trying very hard. Though I haven't made a meal plan, I have still been able to eat regular meals and not b/p. I stop right when I am full and I don't eat when I am not hungry. I find things to keep my mind off of it. Since I haven't been purging, I am not eating as much as I should because I always feel guilty when I eat and keep it in me, but at least I am not purging. That actually puts me in a worse mood than not eating enough. Hopefully things keep going well... I am feeling very optimistic right now. :)

To Eldalote (I think that is how to spell it...): Thank you for your replies. I am not sure how to exchange e-mail addresses but I would definitely like to. We should figure out a way.

It's been a while....

Sorry that I haven't written in here for so long. I was on vacation for a while, and when I got back, everything was hectic because of school starting up again this week. Things with me have been okay, I suppose. I am still taking it day by day. I don't know what happened with the last entries I posted in here. It kept telling me that they would not post but when I looked at my diary, they had posted. Sorry about that. When I was on vacation, I did a lot better with eating.. probably because I was with my family so it was a lot harder to b/p without them noticing. I learned something though. Eventhough I was able to do it because I kinda HAD to, it showed me that I do have the will power to beat this. I just need to find the right way to go about it. I got some nice messages from people on here, so I am going to take that advice and use it to the best of my ability. You know how before I became bulimic I was anorexic? (I think I may have said that at some point) Well, I still have the tendencies of that. It's like, I either eat and then purge it or I don't eat at all. So I had been trying to beat the bulimia by simply not eating because that way I wouldn't feel the need to purge. However, I realized that I won't be able to do it like that. You're probably thinking, 'And it took you THAT long to realize it??' but these disorders really mess with your mind. I am going to try to plan out my meals each day and maybe a little bit of exercising so that I don't feel so guilty. I have a feeling that when I leave for college I am going to lose a lot of weight because I only b/p when the food is around. I never go out and buy my own food to b/p with. So when college comes, it will be easy for me to not eat at all because I never have the urge to go out and buy the food. That's why I really need to get everything straight before I leave because I can't let myself fall back into this. Well, today... I am doing well so far... granted that I have only been up for about 2 hours... but even that is good for me. Usually I start bingeing within an hour of waking up. Another thing that is going to make me get my eating in order is that I just started this new medication that I have to take 4 times a day... and it has to be taken 1 hour before eating or 2-3 hours after eating. So I really can't b/p because then I won't be able to get 4 pills in 1 day. Well, that's all for now...

Oh my gosh... I am

Oh my gosh... I am really mad right now because I just typed a really long entry and this stupid blogger thing keeps saying I have errors. I am getting really pissed right now. I am doing okay with b/ping. I did 2 times yesterday but before that I hadn't in a while. Now I am doing a cleansing fast so if I am able to do that, maybe it shows that I at least have SOME control over what I am eating. I can't even type this right now... I hate this stupid blogger site... it always messes up my entries. I will write later.

I HATE THE BLOGGER WEBSITE!!!!!!!

I HATE THE BLOGGER WEBSITE!!!!!!! IT WON'T LET ME PUT UP ANY POSTS!!!!!!!!!!!

Still working on it...

Well, I definitely haven't been b/ping AS much, but I still have been. For some reason, yesterday was bad... I did it twice, but before that I was doing well. I got some comments from people on this, and I really appreciated them. I will e-mail you back or send you a note back, because I would definitely like to hear what you have to say. I have realized what feelings I have when I binge, so I am trying to deal with them more. It's a struggle. Right now I am actually trying a cleansing fast, and so far so good! It hasn't been long, but usually I b/p right in the morning because of how much I dread each day, but I just had a glass of tea (I can only have liquids like tea and water) I really really want to do well with this. I feel that even if I am able to do this fast, that shows that I have SOME control over my eating and then maybe I can get back to regular eating. Besides all of this, nothing new has been going on. I try to be with friends as much as possible because that way I don't b/p. I don't even THINK of it when I am with friends. It's something about being at home and how much I resent my family that seems to cause it. Well, I better go, but I will keep updating... sorry this one took so long.

A little better...

I have been doing better! I hope that it keeps going like this, but I always seem to fall back into it... I get these negative thoughts in my head that tell me that I won't ever beat it, and that is a huge problem. I need to tell myself that I can instead of doing the opposite. Last night I went to a club with a friend of mine and we had a blast. That isn't common for me since I usually don't even want to go out at all. I am glad that I decided to. I think I drank too much though, but hey, at least we met a lot of guys. I am trying to eat normal amounts so that I don't want to purge, but it seems like whenever I eat one thing, I am bound to eat at least 10 other things... and they aren't little things. They are a lot... huge amounts with tons of calories... I just need to start eating normally... it's not even about the food though. It's the emotions behind it. I can stuff down my feelings by eating, but I don't want to gain weight... so I purge. It's a terrible, unending thing and I need to get rid of this. I have a feeling it is something that is hard to conquer on your own, but there is no chance of me telling people... I am taking it day by day.

Not going so well...

Well, I am sorry that it has taken so long for me to write again, but a lot has been going on around my house. We are putting it up for sale, so we are getting all new carpeting in the upstairs. Therefore, we have to finish painting the whole upstairs first. You would think that all of this work and then going out at night would keep me from b/ping, but it doesn't. I always find the time to, and I can't stand it. I am trying so hard not to. Actually, I did really well yesterday, so that made me happy. I did well the day before that too, but besides that, it is just the same old thing. I got some tips online on how to keep my mind off of it or try to avoid doing it, but it never seems to work. Probably because I have been in this unending cycle for so long now. My body is really starting to break down from it. I am so tired all the time, whether I sleep for 3 hours or 15 hours. I have a really irregular heartbeat. Sometimes it beats really quickly and other times it hardly feels like it is beating. I feel really sick and exhausted. My mood is absolutely terrible... up and down all day long. My hands shake a lot, and about 5 nights ago, I felt like I was going to collapse. My whole body was shaking... not violently but shaking nonetheless. I'm not really sure what to do anymore, but I am sure that I am breaking down... both physically and emotionally... I wonder if I will ever beat this... if not, it will definitely beat me.

First Entry :)

Well, I am not really sure where to start. I guess I could go through where I've been so far with bulimia. I have had it for about 4 years now... It started off as just a few times a month and is now at being an everyday thing. I would not wish this upon even my worst enemy. It controls every aspect of your life... every day, the first thought on my mind is about my weight. everything I do correlates to food and weight. I was anorexic for a while, but somehow it turned to bulimia. I really want to beat this... I hate it, but I want to do it without having to tell anyone because that is just how I am. I don't like to rely on other people for help. I like to do things myself. So, I guess this diary is going to be about my daily struggles with it and trying to get it out of my life. I will put in the ups and downs, everything about it because that way people can realize how terrible it is. It starts off as weight control and turns into being your life... So, day 1, Not doing so well so far. I already ate a lot and now I've got to purge it somehow unless I want to gain weight (which we all know I don't)... I am going to try to see how many days (or even hours) I can go get myself to go without b/ping (that's an easy way to write bingeing and purging) I am so ready to have this out of my life...