June 30, 2004
Hello, good morning...
Well for me it is morning anyway. I'm sitting here in my pj's waiting for the rest of the family to finally wake up, so I can take a shower. And start my day. Don't worry, I have eaten breakfast...
Let me introduce myself. I am, to you, Eldalote. I am 18 years old and the reason I'm here is because I have suffered from various forms of bulimia for 3.5 years. I currently consider myself recovered, though that does not mean that everything is just fine. On the contrary. It's something I still have to live up to every day. Further I am soon to be a - hopefully - med student. I am moving out of the house to live in an apartment with three strangers in a city near the German border. Right now I'm living in The Hague, Holland. I'm South African, don't ever call me Dutch. We moved here about 6 years ago and no, I did not fall in love with Holland. I'm also sort of a writer. I write stuff for the church magazine (hey, at least they publish it...) and I am working on a story about child abuse. I am very much into sports, because I like it. There's something about getting really exhausted and something about the constant movement and the power and the energy that attracts me. I'm tougher than I look. I have very wide interests (I took health and nature subjects with art and economics in school...)so don't be surprised if I happen to overflow you with useless info.
To be honest, my eating 'habits' (I've never actually had a certain pattern of eating long enough to consider it a habit) suck at this moment. As does my body. I still hate it. It doesn't seem to 'fit' me, though nobody understands that. I eat too much junk and I still do binge once in a while, though the binges are smaller than they used to be. I quit starving, overexcercising, throwing up and laxative abuse. Also, I am no longer a junk-food junkie! (Seeing that they're like that does give me some sense of accomplishment!) Maybe I should start keeping a food journal again, to get my eating straight. I don't feel good about this. Eating three proper meals and sometimes a snack is not that easy... I've made a deal with myself: I won't try to lose weight or anything of that kind until I've sorted out my head. That might take a while.
Yesterday I bought a new pair of jeans!! That is a major accomplishment for me. I have issues about my body, which makes it really hard for me to buy clothes. Especially when they're meant to be worn on my butt. Everything either is too expensive (I am a student...) or makes me look fat or the size is wrong or I'm not worth it or I'm scared I won't fit in it in a month or... My new jeans are a size bigger than I would like them to be. Too bad. It did make me feel better though, when I found out that they are not tight on me or anything. And the were only 20 euros. What the hell, the look nice. After that, my first reaction was: "Hey, cool, let's celebrate with ice-cream." Only to realize that would be something pretty pointless to do. I decided to buy me some earrings. Didn't find any. Why do all the nice earrings have to be either pink or some color that wouldn't match anything I own?
Posted by Eldalote on June 30, 2004 01:36 AM