August 05, 2004

Drinking Coke on my very own couch

Yesterday I went to collect my keys. I had been on my feet all day by then so I was dead tired. By the way: Maastricht is a lovely place to go shopping. So when I got into my room (after struggling with the apartment door for a couple of minutes...) I sat down on the couch (the only piece of furniture) and drank my Coke. Enjoying the fact that this was MY couch in MY room in the apartment I'm sharing. Theoretically I live there now. I'm registered at that adress but I eat, sleep and pee in my parent's house.

For some reason that 'voice' or feeling that belongs to eating disorders (all of them) is still with me sometimes. I suppose it's a ghost from the past that comes to haunt me from time to time. Yesterday for some reason it was there: that oh-so familiar state of mind: I need to get thin I am so fat blablabla. It was so strong I felt like it was everywhere. I felt kind of desperate. I tried and so on, you know, talking to yourself, arguing. In the end I just had to wait 'til I got some reason back. I mean is being thinner actually gonna change in my life? It won't give me instant succes or love or attention. It won't make me a better person. Right now I am sitting here, getting hungry and thinking: 'let's not eat'. I don't know if anyone understands what this feels like. It's not something I can control and I don't really want it bugging me. And I don't know what triggered it. I probably will eat at least something for lunch. After all, it's important. I don't wanna go back to where I came from, it's not a lovely place. Maybe if I just don't listen to it it will go away? I don't want it there I really don't. Does anybody understand? I don't know what to do.

Just go away please! I am not Eldalote the eating disordered anymore, I am Eldalote the energetic enthusiastic confident person and also I am thrilled to be a med student. Please I don't want the crap to take control again!

Posted by Eldalote on August 5, 2004 02:34 AM