I'm scared of Christmas. I'm scared of being with my family and I'm scared of the food. Though the food is the least of my worries. And the only one I can actually deal with.

I tried to find the perfect gifts for my family, spent more money on it that I have. I don't have money, in general. Had my hair done. Plan to act perfect, maybe then it won't be my fault if it hurts too much.

I am basically back to where I started again. Totally derecovered, thank you very much. I am scared, sipping on Coke light and working my ass off (suddenly sounds like a good idea) because I have so much to do. I have to lose weight, I am tired of being fat. The reason I am fat is not because I am genetically programmed to be so. I am not. The reason is that I have been bingeing a lot lately. And recently I rediscovered purging. Which is, still, not a very effective way of dealing with anything except the disgusting feeling of being way too full. Right now I don't have to worry about 'water weight' because i took 2 laxies yesterday to 'clean myself up'. What the hell was I thinking? I only ate today because I had to. I had a lunch appointment with this girl who eats tons and I ate a muffin and a cup of soup because I could not eat just one or none of the above with her. Strange me! It's a good sign that I still care about my social life, it's just rather frustrating that it all revolves around 'let's grab a bite together'. It seems to be the only way to get to see people around here. Everyone, including yours truly, is so damn busy.

This week was supposed to be a test. If I screwed up once during the six days before the Christmas dinner, I was going to see somebody about it. Naturally, I didn't last one day. So now I know I can't stop and I am scared because this stupid disorder does not stop until you've lost everything and even then it does not stop. Will I ever be better? Does it ever end? I am scared also because this means that I actually have to go see somebody about it. I would love some support but that would mean talking about it and that is something I don't really like doing. That's an understatement.

Oh well, the least I could do at this moment is to work on my various assignments. You know, being in med school is actually one of the very few things that really went my way and I am not planning on giving up on it. I love it. I even love hating to do the assignments about pills and stuff. The skillslab is not that bad either: looking back I can see the funny part of having my lungs lined out on me and having a needle stuck in my ass.

I am doing terribly good because I am in the right place in college and actually doing good! Maybe I could do this. I passed my first block! The thing is: unlike many other students I actually work. I do something, I see it as kind of my responsibility to give at least my best shot. That doesn't mean I am dull and nerdy... I am in a sorority, you know. Sort of, at least I am the president of a not-yet-existing sorority. I'm doing good because I've figured out why I binge (I can't handle being alone, I get stressed, whatever, I don't excercise enough) and I've figured out a cure for my bingeing: balloons with flour in them. To keep my neurotic hands busy. The best solutions are often the simplest solutions. And it is kind of silly how the only reason for this whole misery is me not knowing what to do with myself. I'm fine as long as there are people around me, but the problem is: I live alone.

I am wasting my time taking career tests which are telling me I should go into the medical field and personalitly tests telling me I am a shark. I am doing terrible at the same time. My eating habits are horrifying, i am living the nightmare of being fat. I've never been this fat and it's no joke. I've started purging again, but not because I think it'll prevent me frome getting fat. I'm fat already. I purge when I have the time, won't get caught and feel sick from eating too much. Seems like the obvious solution if you feel sick but it's stupid. Right now I feel like my body is going to explode or twist into strange shapes. I'll start losing weight on the 1st of December, and I know I'm being ridicoulous but I need to fit my clothes again. And I need to get back into some heatlhy way of life. I miss my almost-perfect body. I've cut myself and wondered if the test I took on then internet had some point in 'diagnosing' me with borderline. I just don't feel good and I have nowhere to run. While others can go home to Mommy and Daddy I can't. At least, I can but that brings so much stress and hurt everytime. I wonder why I keep going but I feel like i have to. I wish someone could just help me, cure me or take me for who I am.

I'm starting over again with my diet stuff. I kind of screwed up but I did realize why. In therapy my alternative way of coping with stress was excercise. Quite convenient at the time, but it worked. I didn't get much excercise here so that's probably why I started bingeing again. Anyway I am making a nice plan. At the same time I am kind of focusing on other stuff I could do better: keep my place tidy, take good care of myself, do more excercise, work hard for school, (I actually am. Wow.) don't act like a stupid child who is only screaming for attention. I have those figured out, I just haven't made a diet plan yet. That's the most work. I just wanna become the woman I want to be. I know I keep on having 'fresh starts' all the time. This one is for real, starting on Monday, November 1st. Of course, the option of keeping on bingeing today and tomorrow is not very attractive so I am sort of starting today. Had some muesli with yoghurt and a bagel and my last Mars bar so far.I I don't know why i had to have a Mars bar. I find chocolate more or less dissapointing. A nice long shower with delicious shower soap is better than any food. The shower in my apartment sucks. I keep on getting cold water somewhere mid-shower. Most fruits beat chocolate. I will make a nice plan for me to stick to. I can do it.

Anyway, I am having rather trouble with my eating. Bingeing, purging and all and I have no idea where it comes from. Probably got something to do with college...

There is something that I find a little strange: some people, after I told them I am going to study medicine, come to me with questions like, "I've got this pain over here, do you know what it is?" or "Could you take a look at this?". I am starting on Monday. How am I supposed to know what's the matter with them if I haven't even started med school?
I've just had the intro week. It was amazing but I got totally whacked out of my daily rythm. Absolutely no structure and as a result I ate way too much and binged a couple of times. Terrible!! Maybe it was also just because I want to really do something for real. I'm tired of partying. I wanna study. That does sound really dorky but it's the truth. Party? Count me in. But I want more than just that. I've been doing basically nothing for months now and I wanna do something.

I am planning to create a good, healthy eating pattern.
And I want my belly back...

I am very thrilled to say I am now a med student!! I still can't believe it, it's a dream come true and I'm not very familiar with that feeling. I'll write more tomorrow. (a promise is promise)

By the way: Kathy, if you read this: Thanks!!

I've been managing fine with the food stuff and it's actually getting easier and easier. I just keep reminding myself that it's just food and I need it to live. For some reason I have lost some weight over the last two weeks. But, after giving it some (way too much) thought and trying to eat more than I actually wanted I decided 'whatever'. I'm not gonna stuff myself not to lose weight because it'll only make me feel crappy. I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full and after months of eating normally I guess my body's used to that. If I gain some weight: whatever. If I lose: whatever. It won't change me, will it? And I don't really think I'll ever become really fat.

But the thing is, right now, I am packing and painting to take my stuff over to Maastricht tomorrow and I really want some comfort or something familiar right now. Somehow my mind sees that as an open invitation to go back to ED behaviors. I refuse. It's not worth it. I'm gonna go there and I'm not gonna get all eating disordered again and it's gonna rock and of course I'm feeling insecure... After all, I'm only 18 and moving to the other side of the country all by myself. Now, what kind of a nutcase does that?

Further I am acting pretty much neurotic, always twitching and so on. Am I neurotic? Never knew that.
This house is one big trigger.....

This is really scaring me. If I fall back, I doubt I will fall back into bulimia as such. It's just, I've recovered from that and I can deal with that now. If I get sick again, it will take months, maybe years before I get too sick to function. By that time I will be really into my medicine study... If I get sick I will have to quit. I will get lonely (I am just building up a new circle of friends, different friends..) and maybe just as terrifying: I will (maybe) get hospitalized.... In the AZM, where my faculty is. Nice prospect... Your colleague students doing their psych rotation on you... Even if I don't get hospitalized, I'll still have to go to therapy in that hospital, because that's where the ED centre is .But I ate half my dinner last night (that's half a tortilla) and some fruit. This morning I ate a few bites of muesli and yoghurt. Actually yoghurt and muesli. At least I tried. After that I got grossed out by the food. I weighed myself, compulsively. I lost about 1.5 pound since yesterday. I wish I were in Maastricht now. Then I could deal with this, without worrying about worrying my parents. (Yes, there is food in my waste bin.) Actually more important right now: there is no scale. That thing is really annoying me. I am not trying to lose weight. But that thing in my head won't just let me eat. And if I do it keeps yelling fat bitch fat cow! ! I am not fat! The harder I fight the harder it fights. But hey what do you expect? Right now I'm worrying about why it's like that and what about lunch? Not things I really wanna worry about.

For some reason that 'voice' or feeling that belongs to eating disorders (all of them) is still with me sometimes. I suppose it's a ghost from the past that comes to haunt me from time to time. Yesterday for some reason it was there: that oh-so familiar state of mind: I need to get thin I am so fat blablabla. It was so strong I felt like it was everywhere. I felt kind of desperate. I tried and so on, you know, talking to yourself, arguing. In the end I just had to wait 'til I got some reason back. I mean is being thinner actually gonna change in my life? It won't give me instant succes or love or attention. It won't make me a better person. Right now I am sitting here, getting hungry and thinking: 'let's not eat'. I don't know if anyone understands what this feels like. It's not something I can control and I don't really want it bugging me. And I don't know what triggered it. I probably will eat at least something for lunch. After all, it's important. I don't wanna go back to where I came from, it's not a lovely place. Maybe if I just don't listen to it it will go away? I don't want it there I really don't. Does anybody understand? I don't know what to do.

Just go away please! I am not Eldalote the eating disordered anymore, I am Eldalote the energetic enthusiastic confident person and also I am thrilled to be a med student. Please I don't want the crap to take control again!

Oh yeah, about the shopping. I've lost my buy-shyness! I used to be too scared to gain weight and so determined to lose weight that I haven't been able to buy clothes. Not to mention that everything made me look fat. I could try on tons of clothes, not even with the intention of buying any of it. Just to see how it looked. I'm trying to see something positive about it here: at least now I've gotten a touch for wearing things together and creating new outfits. So when I finally bought a jean (cheap and - as it turned out - too big), I was really proud of myself. I really needed clothes. I still need a jean. In South Africa I went shopping for clothes (cheaper there) and the first shopping spree left me in tears. Nothing was right and all the different numbers on the labels didn't make my ass any smaller. Not to mention that the average South African woman is shorter than me. So I probably tried on at least 20 pairs of jeans before I found one I was willing to wear and which was not too short.

This vacation has been a test for me. And I passed. Imagine being bulimic, recovered or not, and being fed 'bad' foods all day. Nothing but 'bad' foods. Seriously, at some stage all I could choose from to eat between meals were cookies and 'beskuit' and sweets. Or if I really wanted to I guess I could have eaten papaya. A whole papaya just for me, whoopee. I didn't really wanna eat a whole papaya. Meals would be 'braai' or white bread or something else in the not-so slimming category. We went out for dinner more often than I can remember. Not to mention the wide range of healthy beverages: soda, not diet (full of chemical shit) and full cream milk. I was really panicking about my weight, spent quite an amount of time staring into the mirror and feeling my belly and bones. And that food did not make me feel so great either. That's the reason I've decided to do some detox once I got back: 10 days no caffeine, sweets, cookies, 'toxic' foods in my books. Basically it means eating really heatlhy stuff: muesli, brown bread, salads, milk, rooibos-,chamomile and green tea, rice, etc (my balanced meals) and lots of fruit. The tough part will be no caffeine but whatever. Don't worry. I am not trying to lose weight or using it as a coping mechanism for anything. I take pride in eating right. Now.

The weirdest thing is: I've been eating way over 2000 calories a day and I have lost almost 3kg. I don't get it, I really don't. Which is why I'm not trying to lose weight. Actually I'm afraid I will lose weight but I don't wanna because people may get worried again and I don't want them to be. I am fine. Though, I would still like to be thinner. I always will. Hmmm but then my pants won't fit and my D cup will be out of proportion...
Actually that D-cup of mine is a whole different story. Over the past couple of months I grew another inch or so, after being stuck at the same height for (what a 'coincidence') 3.5 years. My boobs had to follow, of course and I am not very happy about that. I do not want this. Really. Tops won't fit, bra's won't fit and shortly I hate my boobs. It reminds me of the mommy-type girls, and I never even want kids. What's worse: nobody else in my family has a body that even resembles mine. So they're just maybe a little jealous of my boobs.

I think I'll write more tomorrow or so....