Main » July 2004

July 31, 2004

Back from the wedding

I just got back from the wedding, and it was very nice. As I stated earlier, I met my in-laws for the first time, and I must say that my nerves were well founded. My Husband has always had a rocky relationship with his Mother; she was not a very emotional person, and I think he regrets not having a nurturing Mother. His Father was like I thought he'd be, grabbed me up in a hug right away. It is a little strange that my new Nephew is a little less than a year younger than me, but he'll get used to it :) It was a beautiful wedding, and all in all I enjoyed myself. I do, however, think I had a wee bit too much wine. I usually have either half or a full glass, but I had three small glasses.....still a little much for me. If I drink too much alcohol I feel a little sick to my stomach, but I never feel 'drunk'...I guess I don't drink enough to get to that point, and I really don't want to. My husband looked very good in his suit, and I had to steal a few glances every once in a while. I met many other relatives that I've never met before, and some old friends of the family. One lady in particular was a neighbor of my husband's when he was growing up, and a good friend to his Mother. I liked her immediately, but she started talking about diabetes. Her son is diabetic, and she was talking about how 'we' all don't know how hard it is for him, and she is going to find a cure. My husband looked at me, and told her that I was diabetic as well. She gave me a huge hug and said, 'don't you worry, I'm going to find a cure for you'. I was really taken aback by this, although she seemed to be a very nice woman, she literally is 'riding for a cure'. She gathers donations from people, and rides her bike all over the state, donates the money to diabetes research. I later found out she is the number one donator in the state of Oregon for diabetes research. Talk about a small world. On the down side, the winery didn't have any diet soda, or sugar free anything. My blood sugar was already through the roof because of the stress of meeting my new family, but I knew I couldn't insult them by not having a slice of cake. It was small (but verrrrry good), and I did excuse myself to take some extra insulin. It was hot for awhile there, but as the sun went down, I started enjoying myself more, and even posed for some pictures. All in all, it was a nice day.

"I wish they would only take me as I am."
~Vincent Van Gogh

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 10:06 PM | Comments (0)

July 30, 2004

Triple Dinger

I really overdid it yesterday. I've got so much housework to catch up on, and after doing the kitchen and laundry I was just exhausted. I've got to rest up tonight, because tomorrow my niece is getting married, and I will be meeting my Mother and Father in-law for the first time at the wedding. My Mother in-law (I'm told) already doesn't like me because I'm not the same race as them. That seems like an excellent way to start things off. Personally, I'm upset with her....I know her and my husband have had issues in the past, but when he was diagnosed with hodgkin's lymphoma, she didn't call, write, nothing. My own Mother was on a plane the same day he was diagnosed, and wanted to go confront his Mother. When I pictured my Mother slapping his Mother, I decided not to tell my Mother where his Mother lived. My Father-in-law and I have talked on the phone once, but we mostly communicate through the internet. He seems like a very nice man, and I think I'm more excited than nervous to meet him. It will be an outdoor wedding in the heat, so I've got to bring lots of supplies with me....testing meters, insulin fridge packs, sunscreen...I'm not to excited about being in the sun, but I've heard it will be a beautiful wedding...I still need to size up the groom and see if I'll let him marry my niece.

Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.
~Lin Yutang

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 04:58 PM | Comments (0)

July 28, 2004

Call to arms...sign the health care reform petition

Please take the time to sign this petition urging our legislators to create health care reform that offers affordable medical care to everyone.  Too many Americans have to choose between food and medicine.  Is that right? 

http://www.petitiononline.com/HIR/petition.html

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 03:29 AM | Comments (0)

Jumping Right In

Sleep hasn't come easy these past few nights. My husband and I just moved, and I'm never comfortable in a new place. It has been so hot that we've needed to keep all the windows open, and I believe that is where this insomnia is coming from. I've always had a fear of open places when I sleep. I come close to anxiety attacks if someone comes in the room while I am sleeping. I've been analyzing my behaviors around sleep, and I've found that I've come up with a very complex safety structure for myself, and I didn't even realize it. For example, I've always had piles of something or other next to my side of the bed (which is always furthest from the door), and I thought I was just being messy. I kept putting off cleaning it, until we had to move from the old place. There was nothing cluttering the walkway up to my side of the bed, and I didn't sleep at all that night. I was petrified. I never realized that I put things there to (I guess) keep people from coming over to my side of the bed. When I was a child I used to take every one of my stuffed animals and create a circle on my bed. I would sleep within the circle; I was sure they'd protect me. I'm just dumbfounded...I've been keeping secrets from myself? As I became a teenager, I slept with a knife under my pillow. I guess I always saw these things as normal, but now it is becoming more and more paralyzing. I know I need to seek help, but I'm procrastinating, and I'm not sure why. I think I am a little afraid to seek help for this. I know where this is coming from....the abuse I suffered as a child, teenager, and now in my marriage. Sometimes I feel as if I'm never going to rise above my past issues. I've been in therapy off and on for almost 20 years now, which is a significant portion of my life. I can't really talk about this with my family, because many of them have their own issues. My Mother is in complete denial that anything ever happened, and if I try to talk about it, she immediately changes the subject. Understandable, since she is still married to my abuser. I've talked to my abuser about certain things. He was severely abused as a child and the abuse was blamed on him. I can relate to him in that manner, that we were both abused, but I have a hard time rising above things he did to me, and for 10 years I plotted to kill him. I knew I never could do such a thing, but that fantasy kept me going while I was living in their house. My younger half-brother didn't see much of what went on, he only saw my reaction to it as I became a teenager. (Since he was the biological child of my abuser, he was never abused....so he has told me) I became very rebellious and closed off. This is what the rest of the family saw. To this day many of them think that I am some kind of hard, unyielding, angry, bitter person. I believe had I not adapted to the situation, it would have got the better of me. My Grandmother is a very important person in my life. She's always stuck up for me where others wouldn't. I have always been able to talk to her about anything, except this. She went to see a psychologist when the abuse was outed, and the psychologist told her not to let me dwell on the abuse. To simply forget about it, and to never, ever talk about it. Everyone else seemed to have an okay time with pretending nothing happened, but I felt even more betrayed and angry. I think I have made a large step forward recently, and have been able to forgive my abuser. However, I cannot forgive my Mother until she answers some questions for me. I want to know why when he had a restraining order not to come within a certain amount of feet from me, did they lock me in my bedroom for the day so they could be a family? I've always wondered why she stayed with him, but I have my own speculations on that one. As I became a teenager, and all of this was still going on, I became suicidal. I tried to commit suicide several times, and all she could say was how it was so embarrassing for her. One day when I was spending a day with my biological Father I let it slip what was going on. He called her, and she told him that I had lied. Later on I learned that she had told many people it was a lie. I've told her that she has much to make up to me, but she doesn't see why. I think I've come to the point where I have to either forgive her - because she has her own problems, or not have contact with her anymore. Well, I sure have written a doozy for my second post. Thanks for listening (or reading?) and I hope you have a good day.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.
~Plato

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 02:13 AM | Comments (0)

July 27, 2004

Starting at the Beginning...

Isn't it the best place to start?  My name is Heather, I have several illnesses I struggle with everyday to keep an even keel.  Mainly I'll be talking about Depression, Fibromyalgia, Hearing impairment (congenital deafness in left ear, and a rare cochlea deformity called Mondini Dysplasia or Mondini Syndrome), and Diabetes.  I may eventually get in to child abuse, spousal abuse, and divorce.  I live with my husband and my two pets (Umbrella Cockatoo named Tilly and a Tri-colored holland mini-lop named Snickers) in Oregon, USA.  I also own several online support groups for people who are also going through the struggle.  I hope to post often, though life does happen outside of a computer.  I encourage you to respond to my posts; posting your thoughts, feelings, or your own struggle.  Thanks for stopping by, and have a great day!

Of one thing I am certain, the body is not the measure of healing - peace is the measure.
~George Melton

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 08:58 PM | Comments (0)