July 28, 2004

Jumping Right In

Sleep hasn't come easy these past few nights. My husband and I just moved, and I'm never comfortable in a new place. It has been so hot that we've needed to keep all the windows open, and I believe that is where this insomnia is coming from. I've always had a fear of open places when I sleep. I come close to anxiety attacks if someone comes in the room while I am sleeping. I've been analyzing my behaviors around sleep, and I've found that I've come up with a very complex safety structure for myself, and I didn't even realize it. For example, I've always had piles of something or other next to my side of the bed (which is always furthest from the door), and I thought I was just being messy. I kept putting off cleaning it, until we had to move from the old place. There was nothing cluttering the walkway up to my side of the bed, and I didn't sleep at all that night. I was petrified. I never realized that I put things there to (I guess) keep people from coming over to my side of the bed. When I was a child I used to take every one of my stuffed animals and create a circle on my bed. I would sleep within the circle; I was sure they'd protect me. I'm just dumbfounded...I've been keeping secrets from myself? As I became a teenager, I slept with a knife under my pillow. I guess I always saw these things as normal, but now it is becoming more and more paralyzing. I know I need to seek help, but I'm procrastinating, and I'm not sure why. I think I am a little afraid to seek help for this. I know where this is coming from....the abuse I suffered as a child, teenager, and now in my marriage. Sometimes I feel as if I'm never going to rise above my past issues. I've been in therapy off and on for almost 20 years now, which is a significant portion of my life. I can't really talk about this with my family, because many of them have their own issues. My Mother is in complete denial that anything ever happened, and if I try to talk about it, she immediately changes the subject. Understandable, since she is still married to my abuser. I've talked to my abuser about certain things. He was severely abused as a child and the abuse was blamed on him. I can relate to him in that manner, that we were both abused, but I have a hard time rising above things he did to me, and for 10 years I plotted to kill him. I knew I never could do such a thing, but that fantasy kept me going while I was living in their house. My younger half-brother didn't see much of what went on, he only saw my reaction to it as I became a teenager. (Since he was the biological child of my abuser, he was never abused....so he has told me) I became very rebellious and closed off. This is what the rest of the family saw. To this day many of them think that I am some kind of hard, unyielding, angry, bitter person. I believe had I not adapted to the situation, it would have got the better of me. My Grandmother is a very important person in my life. She's always stuck up for me where others wouldn't. I have always been able to talk to her about anything, except this. She went to see a psychologist when the abuse was outed, and the psychologist told her not to let me dwell on the abuse. To simply forget about it, and to never, ever talk about it. Everyone else seemed to have an okay time with pretending nothing happened, but I felt even more betrayed and angry. I think I have made a large step forward recently, and have been able to forgive my abuser. However, I cannot forgive my Mother until she answers some questions for me. I want to know why when he had a restraining order not to come within a certain amount of feet from me, did they lock me in my bedroom for the day so they could be a family? I've always wondered why she stayed with him, but I have my own speculations on that one. As I became a teenager, and all of this was still going on, I became suicidal. I tried to commit suicide several times, and all she could say was how it was so embarrassing for her. One day when I was spending a day with my biological Father I let it slip what was going on. He called her, and she told him that I had lied. Later on I learned that she had told many people it was a lie. I've told her that she has much to make up to me, but she doesn't see why. I think I've come to the point where I have to either forgive her - because she has her own problems, or not have contact with her anymore. Well, I sure have written a doozy for my second post. Thanks for listening (or reading?) and I hope you have a good day.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.
~Plato

Posted by HeatherLeigh on July 28, 2004 02:13 AM