Main » August 2004

August 31, 2004

Dream

I can't go back to sleep. I was dreaming that my husband and I were on two different sides of a boat, sailing the seas. I think there were portholes in the back, where I was. Somehow the boat was split in two, but still watertight. My half was sailing smoothly for a little bit, but then I felt a falling sensation and looked out the porthole. I was going off of niagra falls. There was a lead anchor attached to the boat. When I hit the water, I was going very fast towards the bottom. The boat was collapsing around me, and I couldn't breathe. I was still sinking to the bottom, and the boat was so collapsed that it encased me. I was gasping for air. I awoke, and realized that I really wasn't breathing. I can't sleep now. I just had to lie there for a minute and breathe. I think part of me is scared to go back to sleep for fear of waking up not breathing again. This only happened one other time, but it was much scarier. I woke up gasping. It took me a minute to catch my breath. I couldn't sleep for a few nights after that one. Well, I hope at least there is a good movie on now.

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 02:44 AM | Comments (0)

August 30, 2004

Rough time

I haven't posted like I usually do...I've been dealing with some things. I need to get them out. I went to my mother's house to return a book. She asked me to stay for dinner. She wanted me to see a movie with her and my abuser. It was okay at first, but then the movie became very sexual. My Mother has no idea what it is like to watch that with my abuser. Thankfully he got up and left the room, but the damage had been done. I've been having a hard time since then, and my body knows it. Stress increases my blood sugar, which increases infection. Just having a hard time right now.

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 04:24 PM | Comments (0)

August 25, 2004

Diabetes Testing Meter

Thanks for your comment Judy, I appreciate your support. I did have a freestyle meter when the little blue ones first came out, but the problem was that because I have such a tight (and complicated) insulin regimen, I can't test on alternate sites. You can only test on alternate sites if you aren't expecting a drastic level change, and because I have been so brittle, I just cant take the risk. When alternate site testing came out, I was just really happy, but they didn't mention that you have to have pretty stable blood sugars to use the alternate site testing. I guess they say it is because if there is a change in your blood sugars your fingers will detect it before alternate sites. The meter I have now has the capability for alternate site testing, but those freestyles sure are snazzy. I actually have a collection of meters, as I'm very hard on them. I have two one touch ultras, an original freestyle, a one touch basic, two accucheck compacts, and the one I use now is a one touch ultra smart. What I like about it is that I no longer have to keep a log of how I'm feeling, the meter does it for me. I can put in the meter if I feel sick, what my ketones are testing at, how many carbs I had with which meal, etc. BUT - I recently had a hard time with one of their customer service agents who was very rude and gave me a hard time because I couldn't read the numbers off of certain things he wanted me to. One of the side effects of uncontrolled diabetes is vision changes. My vision can change from one hour to the next.

Most people tend to be afraid of the needles, but the needles that you inject insulin with, and needles used when you get a shot at the doctor's office are different. (for the most part..if you have to inject a lot of insulin, you may come closer to the same needle size) The needles I use are very small. Most of the time I don't feel the shot at all. It's a good thing, because I take multiple shots a day of two kinds of insulin. My insulin regimen has to be changed. All the health practitioners I've seen lately say it is the most complicated they've ever seen, and I agree. But it is all I have right now, and I'm getting by. I'd like to get an insulin pump someday, but they are very expensive, and some doctors are determined to get me off of insulin all together, but that is just them still not believing I am a true type 1....my body doesn't make insulin on it's own. I'm watching islet transplants carefully. That is where they take pancreatic cells and transplant them in to you. It supposedly gets your pancreas to make insulin. It has a pretty good success rate, but from what I've read, it isn't permanent. Not nearly. I read one article that said you'd have to get the transplant twice a year. I think I'll wait until it is further tested, and possibly improved.

Orthodox medicine has not found an answer to your complaint. However, luckily for you, I happen to be a quack.
~Richter cartoon

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 05:48 PM | Comments (0)

August 21, 2004

Controlling Diabetes with Diet

To lose weight, you have to cut calories and fat. To help blood sugar stay under control, you cut carbs and sugar. I have early kidney disease from diabetes, so you have to cut protein. What else is left? I can only exercise if my blood sugar is between 90-150, and only with a meter, insulin, glucose gel and water, under doctor's supervision. If I go in to ketoacidosis, they tell me to eat more fat, but still lose weight, while not exercising. ARGH! anyone else feel confused???

Do you have any idea what just cutting carbs and sugars out of your diet entails? I love carrots. Healthy, right? Wrong. They have lots of sugar! I still eat them, I just have to take more insulin to eat them. Breads, carbs, sugars, even natural sugars, some medicines, stress, even excitement, infections...all raise my blood sugar.

The message I'm getting from doctors is : Don't eat, and Don't exercise. Don't be happy, but don't be said either. Live in a germ-free environment.

Everyone rises to their level of incompetence.
~Laurence J. Peter

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 01:23 AM | Comments (0)

August 18, 2004

Diabetes and Infection

One of the most fun aspects of diabetes is an incredible susceptibility for infection. Last night I went to the ER because I had swelling in my legs that were moving upward. I have an infection from the sunburn on my leg. I seem to get infections just by looking at my body crosseyed. Argh!

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 06:04 PM | Comments (0)

August 17, 2004

Ask Heather!!!

I want you all to feel free to ask me any questions you may have! Don't feel silly or embarrassed, my main focus of this blog is to educate. The best way to have your questions answered is to ask! Topics that I am familiar with include: (but are not limited to LOL)

1- Hearing impairment. I was born deaf in my left ear due to birth defects, and have limited hearing in my right ear. I've been diagnosed with bilateral Mondini's Dysplasia (aka Mondini syndrome, mondini defect) which is a birth defect of the cochlea. I also have no middle ear bones in my left ear, or cilia hair. In my right ear the cilia hair are short. I have a theory about my mystery fluid (seen in earlier posts) that I believe I am leaking cerebrospinal fluid into my ear canal. I do have a hearing aid for my right ear, but I tend not to use it. I have used a bi-cros hearing aid that had a microphone that I wore on my left ear, and a hearing aid on my right ear that amplified sound and processed the sound from the left, to make it seem like I had hearing in my left ear. It didn't work out well, since my brain has never had sounds on that side before, I became confused. I also have used ALDs (assistive listening devices) in college and had problems with professors allowing it in the classroom, which is against the law, by the way. I'm fluent in sign language, mainly because my hearing loss is progressive, and I may someday become deaf. I do have some experience with Deaf culture, however, because I have some hearing and use a hearing aid, I am not welcome.

2- Fibromyalgia Syndrome and all related problems. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia (FMS) in 2000 and I've dealt with several of FMS' friends: Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), Chronic Myofascial Pain Syndrome (CMP or MPS), Headaches, fatigue, sleep disturbance, muscle twitching, burning sensations, fibrofog (lack of mental clarity or attention span), and several others. I've experienced mixed reactions from both family and physicians on this, ranging from almost-too-empathetic to its-all-in-your-head (IAIYH syndrome) and that itself is very difficult to deal with. I suppose most of the problem is because there are hundreds of people being diagnosed every day, it is thought to be 'popular' or 'wastebasket' meaning that either everyone is being diagnosed to be with the 'in' crowd (pain as a fashion statement?) or that doctors, being all-knowing and all-mighty don't know what to diagnose you with, so they say you have FMS.

3- Depression. I've been diagnosed with many forms of depression, by many doctors who may or may not understand depression in it's entirety. The diagnoses that I agree with are Major Depression, mild agoraphobia (which isn't really depression, but I only seem to have a problem with it when I am depressed) suicidal tendency/ideation, and I'm not sure about dysthymia, but it is possible. I've been on countless anti-depressants, even some anti-psychotics, which haven't been the cure-all promised. I have many problems with my past abuse in childhood and in my marriage which have contributed to this, I'm sure. I've attempted suicide before, and I very rarely engage in cutting, or self-harm.

4- Diabetes. I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes in 2001. I had been misdiagnosed as hypoglycemic in previous years, which led to my hospitalization in 2001 with diabetic ketoacidosis in a coma. Many problems surround the fact that many practitioners believe that thin=type 1, overweight=type 2, but that is not accurate. I am an overweight type 1. Deal with it. I hate to put it that way, but most medical practitioners are absolutely dumbfounded, mainly because they aren't current on diabetes and the advances made recently. There are, in fact, more than just type 1 and 2, there are actually closer to ten types. Much confusion is surrounds the 'typing' because researchers have changed the names so often. I have to tell many medical practitioners that I have Insulin Dependent Diabetes Mellitus (IDDM) Type 1 auto-immune adult onset diabetes with insulin resistance. If you put all of that together with what most of them know, it is a contradiction in terms. I am on two types of insulin that I inject myself, and I take avandia. Now, another misconception is that Avandia is for type 2 diabetes. No, it is for insulin resistance. I will be looking in to insulin pump in the future, since I take multiple injections per day. Believe it or not, the injections are not as painful as testing my blood sugar. The fingersticks are by far more painful, most of the injections I give are not felt at all (as long as I wait for the alcohol to dry first....if the alcohol is wet and I stick myself.....OUCH) There is so much to know with diabetes. I have to watch for nerve damage, kidney, liver, eye damage, neuropathy, infections of any sort, stress, my A1c count (it looks at your blood sugar range over the last three months) and I have to be careful of Diabetic Ketoacidosis (DKA). It is a confusing, expensive, and time consuming disease. Not only that, but incurable and fatal.

5- Other things that are not as prevalent in my life: Degenerative disk disease, degenerative joint disease, osteoporosis, stage I ovarian cancer, and a caregiver to my husband who had Hodgkin's lymphoma.

I am here not only to express my feelings about these things, but also to give you information and help you in your quest for health, so ask away!

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 02:51 PM | Comments (1)

Fibromyalgia Information and Support

I'm currently putting together an information page on fibromyalgia, but because there is so much to know and I have to go rather slowly for a couple of reasons, 1) my illnesses slow me down, and 2) my IE keeps crashing because I installed the new 'updates' (LOL), for now, I'll refer you to my favorite page on FMS written by an author/physician who herself has FMS and CMP. www.sover.net/~devstar/ is a great place to get lots of help and information. I belonged to her support group at one time, but the high volume mail got to be too much for me to handle. There is a page also with handouts to give to your doctors and even your friends and family that describes what Fibromyalgia and Chronic Myofascial Pain is about. Great reading, I highly recommend it! She also has written (in my opinion) the most well-written books about fibromyalgia on the market. You can find information about where to get the books on her website.

It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.
~Confucius

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 01:49 PM | Comments (0)

August 16, 2004

Bad Sunburn

I was able to get my insulin. It took me almost all day to do it, but I did it. Only one of my insulins was in at the pharmacy, but it'll be there tomorrow. At least I have one.

The nurse at the hospital remarked about my sunburn. 'You really should use sunscreen'. Really? No! I'm of Irish ancestry....I burn easily. If they made a spf 300 I'd be first in line.

My blood sugar wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, for not having any insulin since yesterday. It was 273...no ketoacidosis....thank God.

I'm going to get something to eat and might take a nap.

Victory belongs to the most persevering.
~Napoleon Bonaparte

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 02:58 PM | Comments (1)

High Blood Sugar

I thought I'd try to do something 'normal' yesterday, and it backfired. My husband got tickets to the air show and I wanted to go so badly. I've never been to one. I brought insulin, water, sunscreen, light colored clothing...thought I was prepared. From the car it was about a half a mile hike to the airport. From the airport gates it was a mile and a half hike to the airshow (for security reasons) and when my blood sugar shot up, I knew I had no chance that day of having any fun. Thankfully there was a bus taking people to the airshow area, but it couldn't get you all the way. You had to walk probably a quarter of a mile on uneven grass to get to the place where we could sit. I didn't know there wouldn't be chairs....so I had to sit on the ground. It was a wonderful show, especially the blue angels! For those who don't know, the blue angels are an elite squad of jet pilots, usually from different branches of US service. (http://www.blueangels.com/) I kept chugging water, but my insulin had gone bad from the heat, and my blood sugar was going higher and higher. When your blood sugar goes high, it makes you very thirsty and dehydrated. Add that with being in a crowd of people, no shade, sitting on the ground roasting in the sun.....you have problems. Toward the end of the day, I wasn't sure I was going to make it out of there. I had a very bad headache and muscle cramps from the dehydration. The event staff were completely unprepared for transportation. They had trams that would take you to the busses, but they kept saying 'seniors only'. I kept trying to tell them I was very close to passing out. They didn't listen or care, not sure which. We finally got on a tram, and were taken to the busses. We had felt a sense of victory getting on a tram, but it faded fast when we saw the line for the busses. They had three busses for, I'm not sure how many people were there, but there was at least 25,000 people. I was really afraid then, that I wouldn't make it. A nice gentleman in front of us saw I wasn't doing well and offered me his water...I didn't take it, he'd need it himself. It took a long while before we got a bus and made it back to the car. When we got home I drank more water, took a shower and some advil for the headache. I just woke up after sleeping for 12 hours...I'm sure I needed it. I looked at myself in the mirror and I'm very sunburned. I had spf 45 sunscreen on, and reapplied it several times, but I guess it was no use. The more critical problem now is I have no insulin. All of the insulin I had left boiled in the sun, now is useless. So I am on a mission today to find insulin. I also feel now I'm beginning another flare of fibromyalgia, so this ought to be fun :)

When defeat is inevitable, it is wisest to yield.
~Quintilian

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 05:36 AM | Comments (0)

August 14, 2004

Fibromyalgia Flare

Since most of my postings lately don't have much to do with illness, maybe I should post an update.

Depression: that has been rough. I feel I've gotten over the hump in regards to Paxil withdrawal, but PMS is coming around the corner.

Diabetes: I hope we get insurance soon. Diabetes is such an expensive disease. If I got everything I should, and tested like I should, it would cost me close to $1000 a month just for diabetes related products alone. My insulin is $200 just by itself. We don't have insurance, and I have probably about 60 units of insulin left. I know we won't be able to afford that. I'm not all that concerned, because I can walk in to any Emergency Room and they have to help. I just don't like doing that. I'm going to see if there are any low cost clinics around here that can help. I'm down to testing my blood sugar about once every few days, and guesstimating my levels for insulin usage. C'est La Vie....

Hearing: Haven't gotten a reply from OHSU about a study on the cerebrospinal fluid thing. Maybe they're not interested? I didn't like reading about the increased risk of meningitis (bacterial) with it, but I figure that if it was all that increased, I would have had meningitis by now, don't ya think?

Fibromyalgia: I'm in the middle of a flare right now. With the stress of moving and not having insurance, no wonder. What makes me very upset is that I've been having pain in my arms and shoulders that I don't usually have. It is making it difficult to knit, which is my comfort/relaxation helper. I'm not getting enough sleep, and not enough quality sleep. I wake up every fifteen/thirty minutes any time I sleep. Thank goodness I haven't had any other involvement, like irritable bowel syndrome...that tends to make the diabetes worse, perpetuating the whole cycle.

Be sure that it is not you that is mortal, but only your body. For that man whom your outward form reveals is not yourself; the spirit is the true self, not that physical figure which and be pointed out by your finger.
~Cicero

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 10:00 AM | Comments (0)

What you may not know about me

I thought It'd be nice to share some things about myself that you may not know. Some of you from my groups may know most of these, but I'll try to throw some in that you won't :)

I love knitting and chrocheting, and have an insane love to knit dishcloths! I'm trying to teach myself how to knit socks, but I'm too intimidated to knit sweaters yet.

I am a Libra (October 11, 1978)

My wedding anniversary is exactly 1 week between my husband's and mine birthdays. His birthday is September 27, Our anniversary is October 4, My birthday is October 11.

I love animals! I have an umbrella cockatoo named Tilly and a Tri-colored (rare coloring) Holland Mini-Lop named Snickers.

I'm an avid fisherwoman when I get the chance

I love to barbeque, cook, and especially bake. My specialty is homemade breads.

I don't like to talk on answering machines.

I have to have at least one plant in every room of my house.

My favorite smell of all time is a fragrant lilac bush. Reminds me of walking to school...I used to pass by many lilac bushes, and that was my favorite part of the day. Sometimes I'd linger at the bushes for a half hour or more. I wonder what the neighbors thought....lol

I love to donate time to charities, especially soup kitchens and blood drives.

I always stop at accidents to offer help, I carry first aid kits in every car, and several in home.

I appreciate home-made gifts more than store bought ones, but feel guilty when I give home-made ones over store bought. go figure.

I leave the dishes in the sink until someone complains about them.

I never clean out the refrigerator, or wash windows.

I hate doing laundry.

I used to belong to 4-H and competed in barrel racing competitions.

I've kept everything anyone has ever made for me.

I'm incredibly competitive.

I'm not great at math.

I'm fascinated by the human body, and have several dozen medical texts.

Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.
~Albert Camus

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 09:36 AM | Comments (0)

Nightmares aplenty

I always come to write in my blog and think 'hmmm, what to write about today?' I guess it is difficult, since my blog is multi-disease oriented. I try to write a little on this, a little on that....at least something on one of them, or whatever is bothering me the most at the moment. When they all are, what then?

One note, there are some things in this post that could trigger unwanted emotions with someone who suffered child abuse. I don't wish to trigger you. Please stop reading if you feel you should.

There is something bothering me right now. I had a discussion with my know-it-all 18 year old brother. We have different fathers, and his father was my abuser. Since there is 7 years between us, we sometimes have a hard time relating. There is so much he didn't see, doesn't know. He saw my reactions to abuse as a teenager, and that is who he thinks I am. He doesn't understand I had to become a soldier to survive. Hard, no attachments, no feelings.

He seems to think that I was always untrusting of men, always scared. Sometimes I just want to tell him everything. He thinks that our mother is the most blessed of all women. He doesn't know that she would sell our souls so she wouldn't have to feel pain. She sold mine.

He doesn't know that his father was my best friend, until he was born. When he was born, my abuser didn't have to 'play' father anymore, he had his son. I became, overnight, his scapegoat. One of the largest shocks of my life...and I was 7 years old. At 8 I plotted to kill his father. I couldn't do it...mainly because of him. At 14, I knew someone who could bomb the house, make it look like an accident, but I couldn't......because of him. Not to mention the fact that I wasn't sure that homicide was something I could do, but neither was surviving abuse for 10 years. It sure was a great fantasy though....thinking I could get even with him. In the long run, it seems his survival is a more fitting punishment. I remember telling judges that I didn't want my abuser to leave the house...I had lived without a father, but my brother wouldn't. Looking back, how could I make those decisions at 7, 8, 9? He doesn't see that our mother lied to people about what had happened to me. I was threatened that if I told anyone, I'd be taken away, put in a foster home. Did she think that was something I didn't want? She later told me that she'd be put in prison, lose her job, and my brother would go hungry. Did I want to cause all that? There were few people I did tell, and usually it was because I broke down in tears. I told my biological father. He confronted her, and she told him I had lied. Another was two children I babysat for a woman from her work. They confided in me some abuse they had suffered. I wanted them to know that I understood. They told their mother, their mother confronted my mother about why she was still with my abuser. My mother told her that I had lied. Their mother told them that I had lied to them, maliciously. They confronted me one day, and I was in such shock I couldn't defend myself. I quit that job, and their mother died of cancer. They were whisked away to Ohio, I think. They still don't know. Corey and Laura, if you're reading this, I didn't lie. I don't understand why my mother must keep up this image of the perfect family. That didn't happen, so she told everyone it was me...a product of my wild father, no doubt. No, it wasn't her fault, I was just a bad seed. Well, what brought this all up is that my brother said that I didn't belong in their family. Maybe he's right. I'm upset though, because, a product of modern divorce, I don't belong to either family. My father went off and had an instant family of two children and one wife, whose husband had committed suicide, so they needed him as a father. When they hated me for being his 'biological' child, I bowed out. My mother went and had another family. Where did I belong? To this day, I 'm not sure I belong anywhere. I guess I'm getting close to bowing out there too. If she would just tell me why she stayed with him. If she could tell me why the sacrifice of one child is better for the other. If she could just tell me why she decided I wasn't worth her effort.
Why I let this bother me I'll never know. I don't want to tell my brother all that went on. He's already dealing with quite a lot just being a teenager. It is just a matter of time before my abuser chooses another scapegoat. My brother will be leaving soon. That leaves my mother. I see it coming. When she comes to me for comfort, what will I do? The way I see it...I can remind her of how she valued either herself or my brother over myself, and she can now deal with the consequences. Or, I can be there for her. I honestly don't know which I'll chose....I guess it is a matter of how well I've healed by then. If the nightmares continue like they have been, I don't see much healing happening.

If you're wondering what made me write this tonight, I had another nightmare. I was 9 again. My abuser and I had finished putting up a fence in our backyard. (you should see me with the auger - I was pretty pleased with myself! if you want to see what this beast looked like, http://www.stihl.com.au/products/product.cfm?iModelID=345) I won't get too specific at this point, but I shut the gate too hard and a board fell off. He was so angry....to this day, I can't look at weight lifting belts without feeling panic. My husband has one in the house somewhere, but he has to hide it to where I'll never see it.

I still feel like there are other people that have handled child abuse better than I have. Why does this keep bothering me? I understand that not many people still have contact with their abusers, that their mother's didn't stay with their abusers, and that they don't have to live in a pretend world that nothing ever happened when around either. I still feel like maybe I should be beyond where I am now. I know that my family has always told me I should be over it. I always thought that I would decide when I was over it, but when is enough enough?

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
~Rita Rudner

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 04:19 AM | Comments (1)

August 12, 2004

Squirrel Joke

Trust me, pee before you read this one...lol

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect... I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic.

As I passed an oncoming car, a brown, furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves.

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I was pretty sure the scream was Squirrel for "Bonzai!" or maybe "Die you gravy-sucking heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular... He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans, this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing... I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have, The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of my throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.

His attacks were continuing and now, I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can have only one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.

The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in ... well... I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle...my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time, the squirrel decided I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel however.

The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop. Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand .. I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort of. Spectacularly sort-of . so to speak. Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade into your police car.

I heard screams. This time they weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really...Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street aiming a riot gun at his own police car. So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.

That was one thing. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car...but it was all his. I took a deep breath, turned on my turn signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 10:50 AM | Comments (2)

Spoke too soon

Revenge of Fibromyalgia. I knew I overdid it at the storage unit, but if I stop, I don't start again. Don works 14 hours a day, he can't do it. I have to work through the pain and take the consequences later. You know...I don't even tell many people that I have been diagnosed with FMS. I hear quite a lot of how "popular" it is, or how it is a wastebasket disease. You know how that makes me feel? I'm a wastebasket. Are doctors really so egotistical to believe that just because they can't find a diagnosis it doesn't exist? What about the millions of people with FMS? Yes, I'm sure many of them really don't have FMS to begin with, but again, that is the doctor's error. Many of us deal with misdiagnosis, especially with auto immune diseases. Doctors even tell us that even if we are misdiagnosed, the treatment is the same. I've actually heard this. The human genome project has revealed some genes that are related to auto immune diseases. Many members of my family have HLA-B27. There are more genes involved, because most of my family has auto immune diseases, but about half are HLA-B27 positive. The ones that are HLA-B27 positive have Ankylosing Spondylitis, Lupus, Arthritis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Psoriatic Arthritis, and one has Fibromyalgia as well. We all tend to have the same symptoms, but many different diagnoses. Migraines, dowager's hump, constipation, sleep disturbance, sleep apnea, muscle pain, joint pain, thyroid problems (that aren't detectable by blood work, most have nodules on their thyroid), TMJ problems, joint degeneration. Funny thing is, when one is diagnosed with something, we all go in, and sure enough......yet we all have different diseases that we are diagnosed with. My Uncle has Ankylosing Spondylitis, and is completely disabled. He's had two hip replacement surgeries, pain pump, and is in a wheelchair. The social security administration in all it's wisdom has said he's not disabled. My Aunt, who has Lupus, Ankylosing Spondylitis, Fibromyalgia has been without an income since 1999. She's lost her house, her children, and her self respect. She's been turned down for disability several times. My Mother is now facing the fact that she can no longer fight her body. It is winning. Why, when we have to fight our bodies to live, do we also have to fight the governmental systems that are in place for people like us? I have a new fight now. The system has to change. One doctor told me that Hitler (Adolph Hitler, fascist nazi dictator of Germany) was right. Only the strong are supposed to survive. Nature is supposed to weed out the weak. Well, I'm not a weed, and I'm anything but weak. Hitler was a sociopath with a god-complex. These are good people and they deserve to not only live a good life without pain, but free from discrimination and free from persecution for something beyond their control. The sooner we all realize that these people are not trying to get something for nothing, they want a chance at a good life. Who doesn't want that? Who doesn't deserve that? Once we wake up and start putting programs in place that are designed to help people who are disabled, then we are truly on our way to a peaceful world.

Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumble bee doesn't know it so it goes on flying anyway.
~Mary Kay Ash

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 12:49 AM | Comments (2)

August 10, 2004

A very thought provoking quote

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours. Ayn Rand

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 11:13 PM | Comments (0)

Planning for lows

Thank you for your lovely comment Judy. I also cruise your diary once in a while. I'm actually quite surprised that my Fibromyalgia isn't acting up more, but you know the saying....if it aint broke, don't fix it. My depression is worst at night. I can think more clearly in the daytime...so I thought about what I could do now to help me then. I brought another car load of stuff back from the storage unit and was putting it away, when I got an idea. I came across a jar that was given to my husband when he went through chemotherapy from his chemoangel (www.chemoangels.com) it was from Choose Hope, Inc. (www.choosehope.com) and it has little slips of paper that have some kind of a uplifting note on them. I can do this for my depression...like daily affirmations. Who knows if it will help, but it can't hurt, right? As far as my ears, I did send an email to the hearing researchers, I'll see if they are interested in studying me. They should be, I have rather unique ears. (on the inside...outside they look normal) Well, it is so darn hot outside....I hope it cools down soon, or I'll never get any sleep.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
~Herm Albright

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 08:55 PM | Comments (0)

Mondini Dysplasia

I mentioned in my first posting that I have what is called Mondini dysplasia (aka mondini malformation, mondini syndrome) it is a rare (though becoming less so as doctors understand it more) cochlear malformation. Not much has been known about it, though scientists are finding it to be more common than first thought. It is believed to be caused in the 7th week of gestation and can cause chronic meningitis. I've been pretty lucky, I don't have many of the effects that are seen with Mondini's. I occasionally do research for my group on it, since we are mainly an information clearinghouse. I came across a document about mystery 'fluids' in the ears of Mondini's sufferers. I've always had mysterious inner ear fluid that was unexplained, and I never knew why, I just accepted it as my norm. It is cerebrospinal fluid!!!!! I'm amazed I never picked it up before. When I get a bad ear infection, I am usually leaking quite a bit of fluid from my ears (mainly my right ear) usually enough to lie on a towel to let it drain. I get a very bad headache afterwards....could that be a spinal headache? I can't believe this! I'm writing immediately to the local university that used to use me as a guinea pig when it came to my ears. Maybe they'll want to study me again. I'm so excited. Mainly because from what I've read it can be corrected with surgery. The main reason I don't like wearing my hearing aids is because when I put something in my ear it leaks more fluid and becomes very uncomfortable. When I wear a hearing aid I have to take it out every hour or so and wipe out my ear canals. The fluid itches something awful. Even if it isn't cerebrospinal fluid, which I'm sure it is, this is still a huge step. There is also some clinical trials going on that have just concluded and I can't wait to see the results. I'm so overjoyed......

Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one's values.
~Ayn Rand

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 01:31 AM | Comments (1)

August 09, 2004

All is well....for now

Everything went okay when my Mom, stepfather, and brother came to visit. My brother, who is significantly younger than me stayed out in the parking lot and skateboarded. I'm sure the neighbors loved it. My Mom brought her two dogs in, and just about scared my rabbit to death, but it may be a good experience for him. He's never seen dogs before. My Great-Grandmother seems to be confused and is spreading lies (whether intentional or not, I'm not sure) about my husband and I in the family. I've never known her to be malicious, but we have got to get it straightened out. My Great Aunt had a stroke and is now in a nursing home, so I hear. I haven't had any details yet, but on a search. Diabetes is behaving itself, which is a very big plus. Thanks Carleene for your support, and I'm okay. Depression is hard to deal with, and especially hard when I don't have anyone (physical body) to talk with things about. Everyone around me says I should be over everything, and I must be asking for the depression. Personally, they must have never dealt with a hard-core depression or they'd have never said that. Well....slowly going down my to-do list, but I feel so overwhelmed. One day at a time? Heck...I've gotta take it one hour at a time.

Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.
~Sir Winston Churchill

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 11:26 PM | Comments (0)

August 08, 2004

No Allergy Relief

Never did get the appointment, they said they'd call me when they have an opening. Allergies have been acting up some, other than that not much has been going on. It is getting hot here again...I hate it when it gets hot. My Mother is coming by tomorrow....hope that goes okay.

"What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 09:15 PM | Comments (0)

August 02, 2004

Need Help for Depression

I took the step, I made the call for help with my depression. I must say I'm a little upset that I had to leave a message, and they will get back to me within 48 hours. I hope it's closer to 24. I'm doing better right now, and that is the best time for me to ask for help. I know depression is right around the corner.

All progress is precarious, and the solution of one problem brings us face to face with another problem.
~Martin Luther King Jr.

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 03:10 PM | Comments (1)

Sleeplessness, depression, and harder topics

One of the hardest parts of depression is dealing with the constant. It doesn't take vacations and doesn't care if you're on one. Since my husband lost his job, we've been without medical insurance. I've been without my anti-depressants for two weeks. I knew this would have an impact on my diabetes, since stress makes my blood sugars rise, but now I'm just at a breaking point. I did read the FDA's public health advisory on Paxil, which I already knew this. (see http://www.fda.gov/cder/drug/advisory/mdd.htm) Doctors are still saying that you shouldn't have any depressive side effects for about a month, I still feel that any drop in my levels equal exaggerated depressive effects. We won't have insurance from his new job for a couple of months yet, so I'm here trying to decide what to do. I called 1-800-SUICIDE for community options, which they are great at finding. I have a few leads. I'm not suicidal at the moment, but dealing with depression is a very sticky issue. If I am the edge, anything can drive me off. Yes, I've considered how my family would feel...all that. My Maternal Grandfather died from suicide....our family is well aware of the effects. I don't want to die...it is the feeling of hopelessness that is so overpowering. Depression is forever. Diabetes is forever. My nightmares don't let up. The nightmares are very hard to deal with. I relive every bad memory that has ever happened in my life. Tonight I talked some with my husband about how I feel. Sometimes I feel like cutting...he said I shouldn't tell anyone that because they'd put me in an insane asylum. All I could say is that they must not understand cutting to do that. I don't cut often, mainly did it in my past to relieve pain. It is difficult to relive everything every night. Things that you had hoped you had put away. The stigma of depression and suicide is nasty and wide-spread. I've been doing a lot of research tonight on suicide. I see that a renowned rape advocate committed suicide. (http://preventsuicidenow.com/jacque-moore-suicide.html) Her story is sad, and personally I feel her rapist should now be tried for murder. When I get to feeling down, I sit and wonder why these things happen to people. Sometimes I write to help, but now I need to seek professional help. I don't see myself getting through this alone. God grant me the strength.....

I am walking through a dark wood. I feel creatures that intend to harm me are hiding everywhere. They make no noise, but I feel their icy breath upon my face. The darkness is enveloping every feeling of hope left in my body. These creatures are too numerous to defeat. Is there a way out? The path beneath my feet has vanished. The tulips that led the way have withered and died. The silence is deafening. I stand my ground in a feeble attempt to show the creatures of the darkness just how solid my resolve is. They call my bluff as I crumple to the ground under the weight of their absoluteness.
~Heather Leigh 8-2-04

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 03:51 AM | Comments (0)

August 01, 2004

Ketoacidosis

Posted by HeatherLeigh at 05:12 PM | Comments (1)