August 02, 2004

Sleeplessness, depression, and harder topics

One of the hardest parts of depression is dealing with the constant. It doesn't take vacations and doesn't care if you're on one. Since my husband lost his job, we've been without medical insurance. I've been without my anti-depressants for two weeks. I knew this would have an impact on my diabetes, since stress makes my blood sugars rise, but now I'm just at a breaking point. I did read the FDA's public health advisory on Paxil, which I already knew this. (see http://www.fda.gov/cder/drug/advisory/mdd.htm) Doctors are still saying that you shouldn't have any depressive side effects for about a month, I still feel that any drop in my levels equal exaggerated depressive effects. We won't have insurance from his new job for a couple of months yet, so I'm here trying to decide what to do. I called 1-800-SUICIDE for community options, which they are great at finding. I have a few leads. I'm not suicidal at the moment, but dealing with depression is a very sticky issue. If I am the edge, anything can drive me off. Yes, I've considered how my family would feel...all that. My Maternal Grandfather died from suicide....our family is well aware of the effects. I don't want to die...it is the feeling of hopelessness that is so overpowering. Depression is forever. Diabetes is forever. My nightmares don't let up. The nightmares are very hard to deal with. I relive every bad memory that has ever happened in my life. Tonight I talked some with my husband about how I feel. Sometimes I feel like cutting...he said I shouldn't tell anyone that because they'd put me in an insane asylum. All I could say is that they must not understand cutting to do that. I don't cut often, mainly did it in my past to relieve pain. It is difficult to relive everything every night. Things that you had hoped you had put away. The stigma of depression and suicide is nasty and wide-spread. I've been doing a lot of research tonight on suicide. I see that a renowned rape advocate committed suicide. (http://preventsuicidenow.com/jacque-moore-suicide.html) Her story is sad, and personally I feel her rapist should now be tried for murder. When I get to feeling down, I sit and wonder why these things happen to people. Sometimes I write to help, but now I need to seek professional help. I don't see myself getting through this alone. God grant me the strength.....

I am walking through a dark wood. I feel creatures that intend to harm me are hiding everywhere. They make no noise, but I feel their icy breath upon my face. The darkness is enveloping every feeling of hope left in my body. These creatures are too numerous to defeat. Is there a way out? The path beneath my feet has vanished. The tulips that led the way have withered and died. The silence is deafening. I stand my ground in a feeble attempt to show the creatures of the darkness just how solid my resolve is. They call my bluff as I crumple to the ground under the weight of their absoluteness.
~Heather Leigh 8-2-04

Posted by HeatherLeigh on August 2, 2004 03:51 AM