September 12, 2004
Family, Kids & EX this time
Lets face it, men and women in American society are raised with different expectations. While women are taught that it is OK, completely natural to talk about their ailments, men are told from early childhood that we are to be stoic, to never complain about pain or fatigue, unless it is the "burn" from exercise, or some other macho thing.
We are expected to just suck it up and keep going, despite pain and fatigue. Just look at any action movie. My father went 18 years working at a rubber mill, doing intensely physical labor. During this time, he missed a total of four days from work. One when he was in a bar fight and spent the night in jail, and couldn't get out in time to show up, one when he had an on the job accident that tore his right hand up, requiring over 40 stitches, and two when he had surgery to remove scar tissue from his hand, caused mostly from going back to work before any of the tissue had had a chance to begin knitting back together.
Was he considered foolish for returning to work so quickly, and forced by management to take more time off? No, he was a man's man, and admired for his perseverance. My mother during this same time missed a week with the flu - Dad had it just as bad, but worked through it - several days when she twisted an ankle, and many individual sick days that usually used up her allotment of sick time each month. Was she chastised for missing so much? No, she was a woman, and expected to be more fragile and to need more time to recover from even the slightest thing.
Things are slowly changing, but for our generation, the old attitudes still apply. Even if only in our own minds. Often, though, the place that this gender specific expectation system most effects us is in the doctors office. If a man comes in with complaints of generalized pain and fatigue, we are blown off as whiners. It is for this very reason that FM is still considered a "womens ailment", and there are still over ten times as many women diagnosed each year. Not because there aren't almost as many men with FM, but because the expectations of male behavior sets us up to be dismissed when we complain.
This is true after diagnosis, when we have to start giving up activities, and talking to friends and family about our condition and limitations. People just plain do not understand why we can't just tough it out and keep going, and look down on us as wimps and lazy because we just can't do that. The hardest people to make understand the need for staying within our limitations are our male relatives and friends. They have seen us healthy, and since we do not look like we are dying of some terrible wasting illness they assume that we can do all we could before.
This is very painful (another thing men are not supposed to admit). We are supposed to just say "To hell with them", and never look back when people in our lives make disparaging remarks or talk about us behind our backs. Simple fact though, we have the same emotions as women, we have just been taught to hide them.
My time today is limited, so more on this tomorrow, when I will talk about how I have learned to deal with these issues, become actually stronger emotionally, and reduced the stress on my life by actively and aggressively challenging these expectations and refusing to be let others define who I am based on their reactions to my limitations.
Michael
Posted by Michael A. on September 12, 2004 9:20 PM
Comments
Hi again Michael,I totally understand the moment when you must listen to your body and set limits on activities, and express limits to family and friends, and take the 'guff' and take care of yourself. And end up narrowing your actual contact to those who are supportive.I've not heard of a family being so affected, 4 siblings. Wow. I'm concerned every day that my 18 yr old daughter may somehow be predisposed to get this life robbing illness. Whenever she hurts or is tired, it's in the back of my mind.I did sign up for your yahoo group, but haven't looked thre yet.Best, judy
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TITLE: Some challenges that are different for guys
AUTHOR: Michael A.
DATE: 9/3/2004 08:00:51 AM
Posted by: Judy in AZ at September 11, 2004 8:03 AM
You said:But in the end, I still have hope, not necessarely for the medical community to provide me with a cure, but from the knowlege that I am loved, and those who love me know that I come with a rather heavy load of extra effort, and they are not only willing, but eager to share the burdens that life hands me. I know that as long as that is true, all the rest is just how my body feels, and that I will remain, in the end, not to burdened by this illness, because there are those hwo share it all with me, and fill those emotional needs that are so much more important than any concern of health or comfort."AMEN! Here I must ask if your children are in your life and if your ex has ever come to believe, even though you are now co-parenting, no longer married?? It's so hard to let your child down. Yet they are resilient. Jen is 18 now (11 when I was dx'd at age 35), and she is proud of me. "proud of me" for doing all I did before my illness and for being "the best mom" even with this beast of a disease (I saved my energy for her evening/family time as best I could). She has been maddened by my fibro fog, having to answer the same questions from me about where she's going and with whom repeatedly according to her (I don't remember) At the same time, we share unconditional love, as I do with my mom, and she understands the illness. She hates that I suffer from it, but she understands and is supportive, as much as an 18 yr old wrapped up in their own lives, can be. My mother, who saw me through the early doc visits and panic attacks and severe pain sessions and wiped out for days periods........Mom is my best supporter.......for she's seen what this invisible disease has done to me. My life is gone as I knew it, but better for it too. I focus on quality of life and spend my time only with or on my family. I met my fiance' 2 years after being dx'd, he's only known me as I am now and he takes me as I am. (we can't marry either, because of his health coverage which would be lost if we married, he's 42 and had a stroke at 37, juvenile diabetic since age 3.....he had the stroke 3 mos. into our relationship and it just brought us closer together.)Glad to get to know you. It takes character (and Faith) to get through these times. Look forward to continuing to check in on you here.Best, Hugs and Blessings, Judy
Posted by: Judy in AZ at September 11, 2004 8:15 AM
BTW, I also understnad the 3 stores day. I actually have ridden the scooters at our super Walmart a few times because if I didn't I'd crumple in pain half way toward the front of the store from the back. Folks look at me way wierd, because look healthy. I'm learning humility, and also to stand up, or in this case ride, for myself without shame.I will only do one store a day. If my fiance' aka 'husband' wants to do more he does it without me. He understands, usually, my limits. When I say I can't, it means I cannot possibly physically or mentally do whatever it is.We have a new member of our family, you can see the details in My Life with Fibromyalgia....I hope he comes to understand also.
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TITLE: Dealing with my family
AUTHOR: Michael A.
DATE: 9/5/2004 11:55:41 PM
Posted by: Judy in AZ at September 11, 2004 8:19 AM
Hi Michael,& Hi Rose,I've read her posts and written a time or two. Cool to know you two are together and happy.Sorry your sons were so ill affected by her judgment of you. Glad they're coming 'round a bit.Can't believe your ex was coming on to you with Rose right there....what a piece of work she must be.Maybe let her know that you co-parent your sons, and that is the only dimension to your relationship, that's the way you want it and the way IT IS, nothing more, your interest in her is OVER. Might hurt her, but...how much were you hurt???? It's just the facts.....Good Luck & thanks for your encouraging words to me....Hugs and blessings, Judy
Posted by: Judy in AZ at September 18, 2004 7:04 AM
DATE: 11/1/2004 11:34:29 AM
Michael,Thanks for all your insight in your posts. I write a blog here called "Life with RA." I like to think of RA and FM as cousins - many of the same issues to deal with. Reading your blog reminds me of a friend in my RA support group. Males do have different and complex issues dealing with conditions like RA and FM. A couple of month's ago my friend raised his concerns about dating and having RA... the expectations on men in romantic situations can be unfair even to "regular joe's" to say nothing about those guys who also have a condition to contend with. I'm going to recommend your blog to the guys in my RA support group and appreciate your willingness to write about the tough emotional stuff. Best,Renee N.
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TITLE: Just another day
AUTHOR: Michael A.
DATE: 9/6/2004 08:37:36 PM
Posted by: Renee at January 1, 2005 11:32 PM
DATE: 9/11/2004 07:53:48 AM
Hi Michael,Judy here from My Life with FMSI agree with you so much on the issues of men suffering with fms or any illness. Society has placed a limit or a prohibition against men being vulnerable.I agree that the reason there is such a disproportionate number of women reported with the disease is that there are men out there who are 'making due' and 'muddling through' and won't admit to weakness or vulnerability. I certainly know my father was that way about any illness. I'm reading your posts to catch up. Will stay in touch.Hugs and Blessings, judy
Posted by: Judy in AZ at January 1, 2005 11:32 PM
Contact me, I can help.
Anne
Posted by: Anne Hillebrand at May 1, 2005 11:33 PM
Buy and read Kevin Trudeau's Book, Natural Cures "They" (FDA)and(FTC) Don't Want You To Know About. It is very revealing and informative.
To your good health,
Roger
Posted by: Roger at September 1, 2005 7:05 AM
Has anyone ever left a marriage cause husband/inlaws gave them fibro? If so did you feel better after it marriage was over or did the stress make the flares worse? Spiteful hubby and inlaws are making flares worse. Any suggestions?
Posted by: Jo at September 2, 2005 6:53 PM
4LmhCp
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