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August 8, 2005

Drug Addicts

Hello all, sorry I have been absent for so long, it really is a shame! I must say that I lost my way, I lost my focus! I have been so depressed and so sick that I only have the energy to do the bare basics. It has been non-stop "BS" from every direction!

To start off! I finally got my letter from SSI. As you can already guess, they"DENID" me! So off to work it was, I knew that they would so I secured a job at a local bank and call center! So am on the phones all day! Talking to people about their overdrawn checking accounts! I work full time. I lost my car because I didn't have the money to keep it up, so now am back on the bus! I get up at 5:30am just to be out of the house at 7am to be at work my 8:30am. When I come home I "TRY" to cook or just order out! My daughter and I eat and it is off to bed. My daughter stays at my mother's house. She lives in the same apartment complex as me! I miss her so much. I see her everyday but not like I want because I've been so out of it. I can't remember anything. It feels like I miss days. You know like I'm skipping days of the week because I am so out of it.

Well this week it all came crashing down! The weather in Buffalo, NY has been crazy hot. But Friday it dropped 20 degrees! Well Sat afternoon I got sick as HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to die. I was in so much pain it was unbearable! It has been this way for the past 2weeks. I went to the ER I have been going to. The doctors treated me like I was some type of "DRUG ADDICT", like I only come to the hospital to score drugs! He talked down to me, forced me to take off my clothes with the door open. He told me I could leave if I didn't like it. Of course I didn't leave. For one I could not walk, second I need pain medication. So they sent in a nurse and gave me 1mg of DILODID! and drew blood. He comes back in and says, "You don't have Lupus, who told you you had lupus!" I was in shock!!!!!!!!!!!!! I said, "Well I have been treated for this since 2002." He said, "Well you don't have it and I am sending you home!" No more blood work was done! My mom comes in and damn near agrees with the doctor! I was so hurt! She drops me off, doesn't help me to the door, and leaves.

I then feel really sick. I call my doctor's office, and they say go to Buffalo General Hospital. I went and the same doctor I saw last week sees me again. Needless to say he as well thought that I was a drug addict looking for drugs!!!!!!! This makes me mad as hell. Instead of helping me, they dismiss any problem I might have and send me home. He also says, "Well yeah, we have done bloodwork on you before and you were never having a lupus flare!" But it is funny that all my discharge papers say"lupus flare".

So now I am back to square one! I once again ran out of pain meds, because they say"TAKE AS NEEDED". Well I need it all day. I am in pain all day! No one believes that I am sick, not my doctors, my family, my job. No one but me, my daughter, and Jehovah God! And you guys! Everyone that has written me and posted positve messages have been very helpful and I hope that I can be as well. We can and will beat this! I don't want to give up! Even though my body says so, my mind won't let it be! My hands hurt so bad from all this typing ! But I feel that it is worth it. I can't lose my job.

I am so scared right now! So confused. I don't have all the answers-hell I don't even have a few. All I know is how I feel! And I feel really, really, BAD!!!!!!!!!!! I miss being able to feel the sun on my skin (IT BURNS NOW). I miss the wind in my hair! (MY HAIR IS FALLING OUT). I miss playing at the park with my daughter. She is so worried. I'm gaining weight from all this stress and my skin is breaking out like am a teenager! I just want my life back! I miss it dearly! I want to be able to move again! I miss that! If they want to call me an addict fine, I'll say I'm an addict! What am I addicted to? LIVING! Living a life without chronic pain! A life full of hope not dispare!

Love, Peace, and Happiness to ALL!
Keeon.

Posted by Keeon Williams at 6:54 AM | Comments (9)