August 8, 2005
Drug Addicts
Hello all, sorry I have been absent for so long, it really is a shame! I must say that I lost my way, I lost my focus! I have been so depressed and so sick that I only have the energy to do the bare basics. It has been non-stop "BS" from every direction!
To start off! I finally got my letter from SSI. As you can already guess, they"DENID" me! So off to work it was, I knew that they would so I secured a job at a local bank and call center! So am on the phones all day! Talking to people about their overdrawn checking accounts! I work full time. I lost my car because I didn't have the money to keep it up, so now am back on the bus! I get up at 5:30am just to be out of the house at 7am to be at work my 8:30am. When I come home I "TRY" to cook or just order out! My daughter and I eat and it is off to bed. My daughter stays at my mother's house. She lives in the same apartment complex as me! I miss her so much. I see her everyday but not like I want because I've been so out of it. I can't remember anything. It feels like I miss days. You know like I'm skipping days of the week because I am so out of it.
Well this week it all came crashing down! The weather in Buffalo, NY has been crazy hot. But Friday it dropped 20 degrees! Well Sat afternoon I got sick as HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to die. I was in so much pain it was unbearable! It has been this way for the past 2weeks. I went to the ER I have been going to. The doctors treated me like I was some type of "DRUG ADDICT", like I only come to the hospital to score drugs! He talked down to me, forced me to take off my clothes with the door open. He told me I could leave if I didn't like it. Of course I didn't leave. For one I could not walk, second I need pain medication. So they sent in a nurse and gave me 1mg of DILODID! and drew blood. He comes back in and says, "You don't have Lupus, who told you you had lupus!" I was in shock!!!!!!!!!!!!! I said, "Well I have been treated for this since 2002." He said, "Well you don't have it and I am sending you home!" No more blood work was done! My mom comes in and damn near agrees with the doctor! I was so hurt! She drops me off, doesn't help me to the door, and leaves.
I then feel really sick. I call my doctor's office, and they say go to Buffalo General Hospital. I went and the same doctor I saw last week sees me again. Needless to say he as well thought that I was a drug addict looking for drugs!!!!!!! This makes me mad as hell. Instead of helping me, they dismiss any problem I might have and send me home. He also says, "Well yeah, we have done bloodwork on you before and you were never having a lupus flare!" But it is funny that all my discharge papers say"lupus flare".
So now I am back to square one! I once again ran out of pain meds, because they say"TAKE AS NEEDED". Well I need it all day. I am in pain all day! No one believes that I am sick, not my doctors, my family, my job. No one but me, my daughter, and Jehovah God! And you guys! Everyone that has written me and posted positve messages have been very helpful and I hope that I can be as well. We can and will beat this! I don't want to give up! Even though my body says so, my mind won't let it be! My hands hurt so bad from all this typing ! But I feel that it is worth it. I can't lose my job.
I am so scared right now! So confused. I don't have all the answers-hell I don't even have a few. All I know is how I feel! And I feel really, really, BAD!!!!!!!!!!! I miss being able to feel the sun on my skin (IT BURNS NOW). I miss the wind in my hair! (MY HAIR IS FALLING OUT). I miss playing at the park with my daughter. She is so worried. I'm gaining weight from all this stress and my skin is breaking out like am a teenager! I just want my life back! I miss it dearly! I want to be able to move again! I miss that! If they want to call me an addict fine, I'll say I'm an addict! What am I addicted to? LIVING! Living a life without chronic pain! A life full of hope not dispare!
Love, Peace, and Happiness to ALL!
Keeon.
Posted by Keeon Williams on August 8, 2005 6:54 AM
Hi Keeon,
I'm a little bit older than you but I know your story all too well. I too have Fibro (might have Lupus---it runs in the family), am a single mom, with no family support. Shopping for food on the weekends, plus actually cooking food after work, is a nightmare. I feel so bad for my two daughters. I sink into deep depression and feel that they deserve a better mother than me-----one who has energy to take them fun places.
Posted by: Tonia at February 13, 2006 9:52 AM
hi keeon
Nice to meet u. I am a single white mother (lol )with fibro for 10 yrs and just diaginose this past January. I know how u feel I can not work now either but also had a heart attact in 96 then 2002 and in 2000 i had back surgery because fluid blew out of my back when i tried to work so i was off again but now told i cannot work and am fighting CPP for disibility. My kids are a little older they are 28,19,and17 but i have been raising them on my own all the way I had a drug addict husband. so divorced with no child support. I have nothing to help my children,money wise . My daughter is in college thanks to osap and her winning scolarships ,she is going to fanshaw to becaome a police officer,my 28yr old is going to b a father again (2nd one)I am so excited And my 17 yr old was a little confused and off to a ruff start in teenage hood but seems to b finding his way back I have learned never to give up on yourself or your children I really just wanted to give u good news instead of dwelling on the bad. I really find it helps. Even if u feel the pain hug your daughter and thank your lucky stars for having her. Give her a kiss every day and tell her u love her you will b surprised how good it feels. Each day look for the good and focus on them when ya feel down look again If in pain breath in and out slow while thinking good . And have faith, Nobody ever said this ride in life was going to b easy, so sit back and try to enjoy. take care
Posted by: carol at September 13, 2006 6:12 PM
It must be so terrible for you. I have just found out that I have Fibromyalgia and can't even imagine going through what you are. I am in pain every day and have a hard time with stairs and my depression. I know it is only going to get worse as it has been doing for the past 7 months. I think we may have something in common. I rarley hear anyone refer to god by his name except at the Kingdom hall. Are you one of Jehovahs witness's or studying with them. This is somewhere that you would get alot of support and love. Well hang in there and keep Jehovah in your heart and mind and he will give you the support you need.
-Abbie
Posted by: Abbie at November 18, 2006 5:56 AM
Dear Keeon
i also have fibromyalgia as well as chronic fatigue syndrome. i am married now, but was a single mum for many years. I have been sick for 20 years now & have struggled all the way. life is still not easy, but i cope now most days & have found limited support. I have been a jehovas witness for 15 years now & I do believe that god has given me strength. i now have found ways to battle the pain & also see a psychiatrist who prescribes me painkillers everyday.
I will pray for you.
lots of love Yvonne
Ps my email does not receive at the moment so i can only send messages
Posted by: Yvonne at July 27, 2007 12:49 AM
Dear Keeon,
I know parts of your story all to well. I know the suffering part and the part where you desire to play with your daughter. I too have Fibromyalgia and have just recently been diagnosed with CFISD also. I can't imagine having to go through this without spousal or family support. You will definitely be in my prayers. I have included a link to my blog where you can read my story it also has some helpful resources listed. http://www.fibromyositis.blogspot.com. The disability resources I have listed may be of some help to you. I have just contacted one of the lawyers I have listed myself. He suffers with FMS/CFS as well. Hang in there.
Posted by: Traci at February 23, 2008 8:05 PM