But it’s not about all the downs that I face, it’s also an opportunity to make changes and do more! I just made a commitment to myself to lose 80lbs! 80lbs I put on because of worry, and fear! I made this commitment to myself because I don't like what I see in the mirror and I have to power to change that, I may not be able to get rid of my illness's but I damn sure can look good fighting them! HOT DAMN!

So am finally ready to come out of denial and face this battle face to face! I have been hiding for so long and have not been able to heal! But now is the time, now is the time to stop making excuses for why I can't and do what I can! It’s late right now and I have to go to bed, however I will be back to talk some more because I have a whole hell of a lot to say! I hope to encourage and uplift on this site and to make new friends here! My hope is to inspire anyone who reads this to start to be kind to themselves and to love themselves, for so long I have hated myself because so many others did and told me so! But those days and thoughts are over; let’s start this new chapter off with LOVE! LOVE 4 GOD, LOVE 4 SELF, and LOVE 4 OTHERS!

Peace, Love, and Much Happiness!

To start off! I finally got my letter from SSI. As you can already guess, they"DENID" me! So off to work it was, I knew that they would so I secured a job at a local bank and call center! So am on the phones all day! Talking to people about their overdrawn checking accounts! I work full time. I lost my car because I didn't have the money to keep it up, so now am back on the bus! I get up at 5:30am just to be out of the house at 7am to be at work my 8:30am. When I come home I "TRY" to cook or just order out! My daughter and I eat and it is off to bed. My daughter stays at my mother's house. She lives in the same apartment complex as me! I miss her so much. I see her everyday but not like I want because I've been so out of it. I can't remember anything. It feels like I miss days. You know like I'm skipping days of the week because I am so out of it.

Well this week it all came crashing down! The weather in Buffalo, NY has been crazy hot. But Friday it dropped 20 degrees! Well Sat afternoon I got sick as HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to die. I was in so much pain it was unbearable! It has been this way for the past 2weeks. I went to the ER I have been going to. The doctors treated me like I was some type of "DRUG ADDICT", like I only come to the hospital to score drugs! He talked down to me, forced me to take off my clothes with the door open. He told me I could leave if I didn't like it. Of course I didn't leave. For one I could not walk, second I need pain medication. So they sent in a nurse and gave me 1mg of DILODID! and drew blood. He comes back in and says, "You don't have Lupus, who told you you had lupus!" I was in shock!!!!!!!!!!!!! I said, "Well I have been treated for this since 2002." He said, "Well you don't have it and I am sending you home!" No more blood work was done! My mom comes in and damn near agrees with the doctor! I was so hurt! She drops me off, doesn't help me to the door, and leaves.

I then feel really sick. I call my doctor's office, and they say go to Buffalo General Hospital. I went and the same doctor I saw last week sees me again. Needless to say he as well thought that I was a drug addict looking for drugs!!!!!!! This makes me mad as hell. Instead of helping me, they dismiss any problem I might have and send me home. He also says, "Well yeah, we have done bloodwork on you before and you were never having a lupus flare!" But it is funny that all my discharge papers say"lupus flare".

So now I am back to square one! I once again ran out of pain meds, because they say"TAKE AS NEEDED". Well I need it all day. I am in pain all day! No one believes that I am sick, not my doctors, my family, my job. No one but me, my daughter, and Jehovah God! And you guys! Everyone that has written me and posted positve messages have been very helpful and I hope that I can be as well. We can and will beat this! I don't want to give up! Even though my body says so, my mind won't let it be! My hands hurt so bad from all this typing ! But I feel that it is worth it. I can't lose my job.

I am so scared right now! So confused. I don't have all the answers-hell I don't even have a few. All I know is how I feel! And I feel really, really, BAD!!!!!!!!!!! I miss being able to feel the sun on my skin (IT BURNS NOW). I miss the wind in my hair! (MY HAIR IS FALLING OUT). I miss playing at the park with my daughter. She is so worried. I'm gaining weight from all this stress and my skin is breaking out like am a teenager! I just want my life back! I miss it dearly! I want to be able to move again! I miss that! If they want to call me an addict fine, I'll say I'm an addict! What am I addicted to? LIVING! Living a life without chronic pain! A life full of hope not dispare!

Love, Peace, and Happiness to ALL!
Keeon.

Well it all started when I went to my doctor to get released to go back to work. I have been out of work for about 5 1/2 months because of being ill. I work for a cable company in my local area customer service, and it is stressfull but I need the money. Since I have been sick I have been living off of short-term disability but that ran out. So I went to HR and she was so nasty and mean to me saying, " Thats a shock." She did not accept me back to work, and said that the head office would need to look at my file and she will let me know. I did however ask for a accomodation under the ADA! I wanted to be off the phone talking to customers and do back office work. Well they said no.

So since I needed money and have been on new meds and taking supplements I have been feeling better! I was released on 5/11/05 and to this date they have not returned me back to work. I was under an old accomodation working first shift, and being off 3-5 days a month for doctor appointments and flares. I have gotten 4 different answers as to why I can't come back under my old accomodation. They gave me a shit load of medical paperwork. I said that I have used all of my resources on my leave and I had no money. As you all know doctors now charge for filling out paperwork and faxing. My doctor won't even fill out forms unless I have an appointment. I have co-pays with each visit and I don't have "ANY" money. I don't even have gas money for my car or even bus fare to get to the doctor.

Times are really hard for me, but you know what! I have developed a very personal and special relationship with "GOD" and he has been my rock! So I have been proactive. I filed with the EEOC, I have an appointment with the HUMAN RIGHTS DIVISION and I have been on job interviews. I am in FIGHT MODE, I WILL NOT GIVE UP, THIS WILL NOT BEAT ME! I WILL BEAT IT! I WILL BE HAPPY AND SO WILL MY DAUGHTER!

Speaking of my daughter, I went to court for child support, and her father did not want to pay. He does not call her, or show any interest in her! But you know what? He was ordered to pay and she will be just fine! He has a wife and 3 other children but does nothing for Austyn. Anyway, I am so grateful to express myself to all that will listen and to this website is truly a blessing. Maybe I can be of some help to as many people as possible.

Peace, Love,and Happiness!

P.S Since I have been through hell with my employer and daughter's father, I have gotten sick again. This scared me! I am kind of glad this happened because I feel that things happen for a reason and it made me realize that any and everything is going to try to get me down and out, but I cannot let anyone or anything take my joy! I realize now that it is my joy, happiness, and love for "GOD" that cures me everyday, and the moment I give that away I will have "NOTHING". So stay encouraged!

Then I remembered I had some calcium & magnesium supplements. I started with 2 tablets a day and now I'm up to 4! Guess how long it took me to feel a difference? 1 day! Can you believe it? Now don't get me wrong. It is not a wonder pill I don't think. I have changed my diet a little. I only drink water, all day, nothing but water. With or without lemon. I also drink green tea sometimes. I am also on Gabitral, an anti-convulsive medication. It is supposed to help with my depression and anxiety! But lately I have been feeling really "weird" after I take it. I was only on for about 2 months. I was taking 8 mg in the morning and 12 at night. I tried to lower it but it still makes me feel angry! I will talk to my doctor about it. But as for the calcium & magmesium suppl ements, I think it is helping. My daughter can't understand why I am singing all day and jumping up and down. I feel so good. But I am also being careful! My body could be playing a dirty trick on me. But I really think it is the real thing.

Money is getting tight and I think I will have to go back to work! I can't wait for disability any longer! I have no money, and my rent is due! I have been living off of my short-term disability but that ran out ! But nothing at this point can get me down. NOT EVEN THOSE ON THIS SITE THAT THINK THAT THEY CAN JUDGE ME OR DISMISS ME LIKE I AM NOT HUMAN! I KNOW WHO I AM AND WHERE I AM GOING! DO YOU?????

So as I always say!
Peace, Love, and Happiness!

P.S. THANK YOU TO THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN NICE AND SUPPORTIVE OF ME. IT MEANS ALOT! THANK YOU!

Peace, love, and happiness!

Around about 2 years ago I sent her to stay with her father and step-mom and siblings in Burlington, VT. I was unable to work full-time, take care of her and be sick all at the same time. And besides, I thought that since he was not paying child-support (we went to court but he never held a job) I would send her up with him so I could work and save money to get us a place to live and a car. You see at that time I was homeless because I was always getting sick and bills got out of control. I have no support from family, and my "boyfriend" at the time was no help (now he is my"X"):) Besides the fact that my "JOB" and "LANDLORD" did not give a S!@* if I was sick let alone ever heard of what Lupus was (at that time I only had the lupus). They still wanted their "MONEY" and did not like it when I took time off from work for being sick!!!! So needless to say I became homeless. So I thought at that time she could go live with her dad, while I looked for work and found a place to live. That was one of the hardest things I have everdone. I MISSED HER SO MUCH it hurt, which did not help my lupus!

At that same time her father, wife, and mother had this great idea to take "AUSTYN" (that is her name) from me, saying I was a bad mother for sending her to stay with her dad! They tried to keep me from talking to her in any way. They talked to lawyers and child and family services. It was a nightmare! But I held my own and "JEHOVAH" worked it out. I got my daughter back. She lived with me in a 3 room studio apartment until we could find better. But the happiness would not last for too long, because in May of 2004 I was told I was in the early stages of FIBROMYALGIA. I said what the hell is that? The doctors in Buffalo, NY are not very helpful so I found out all I could on line. Look at me writing a book. I will break it down later.

Peace, Love, and Happiness!

I seem to feel different about this. The reasons are simple. 1) None of my doctors suffer from fibromyalgia. 2) Many doctors don't even believe that fibromyalgia is a real illness. They think it is all in my head. I have to battle the doctors every time I go. I have this one doctor (she will remain nameless ) who is very cold, hard, and mean to me. She does not want to give me pain medications and she believes all I have to do are these leg excercises and I will be better then new! She is my pain doctor and she is the one that prescribes me the medication that I take. She always underprescribes and dares me to ask her for more.

I feel that as a black women that needs to take pain medication everyone involved gets nervous: the doctors, the pharmacy. The nature of my illness' are "PAIN". I am not an addict. I am just someone who wants to be able to get up in the morning and make my daughter breakfast, take her to the park and run around. I want to be able to drive my car without being in pain, and most important I just want to be able to "feel alive" again. This illness has taken so much from me and I intend to "fight it". I will not take "NO" for an answer. So if you want to say I'm an "ADDICT" then yes, I'm an addict of a pain free life. I'm an addict of being able to play with my daughter, making a living for myself and daughter (right now I'm unable to work). Yes, I'm an addict of being whole again. That is what I want. I will beat this!

Please stay encouraged!
Talk to you soon.

Peace, love and happiness!