October 26, 2004

Back Again

It's been so long since I posted. I forgot the site address..isn't that bad of me! So much has been going on that days have rolled into nights..some of them sleepless ones at that! My best news is that I have been given the all clear from Cancer, which is great and a godsend. It turned out I had a very bad infection in the membrane of the mouth, which was causing the same kind of symptoms, but I am on a 3 month course of medication and it should clear up. Howeve,r they just had to throw something at me..and they tested me for diabetes, which I will hear about in November.

Since my holiday I have been busy socially and professionally. I joined a company as a Director on the Board, to take over a Local Authorities Housing Department and that has kept me busy. I have been undertaking more studying to do with clinical hypnosis and psychotherapy and have been making plans to start an international clinic, offering hypnotherapy, life therapy, spiritual insight and guidence to private clients in the UK and USA. Living in the modern world, I needed a website, which I have developed and setting up the biz takes time and resources. I have started going out on the dating scene too. I thought it was about time to put the past behind me and see what it's like dating in 2004! I have had offers from attached people, which I find quite strange! However, I am enjoying going out meeting people much more and getting my confidence back to actually approach women! I also got into contact with my dad, who I haven't spoken to for about 4 years after a silly disagreement. It turned out he had a cancer scare at the same time so that gave us common ground. We are now communicating regularly and back to the old way we were.

I had a good going over heart and lungs wise at the start of October and thankfully there's no change there. Everything is as it should be. The back continues to get worse and as the cold weather sets in here in England thats when I will really suffer. In short I am having a good life, coping with all that is thrown at me and hope the future remains bright. I'd like to thank everyone that emailed me to ask where had I gone..what happened to my blog! It's nice to know people actually read them and find them interesting.

Also to those people that asked me what happened to the dating site idea for people with health problems, I haven't forgotten!..honest!! It's in progress and I will let you know individually when its done. Hope you will be the first to use it! I'll be on there so don't forget to look at my profile! He he!!

I heard a funny story the other day sitting next to a couple of ladies in a bar. They were about twenty something and one was talking about her boyfriend and the other talking about the loss of her mother last year in a car accident. The one with the boyfriend was fed up with her boyfriend because he spends so much time with her, buys her 'stupid' gifts and is just too nice! The other was angry that her mother was taken from her and how hard she is finding it and started going on about if there was a god he wouldn't have allowed it to happen. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten involved but I offered them a drink and said I could'nt help overhearing their conversation and would they mind if I made a point. Which they allowed me to do. My point to them was this.

" I'm sorry for your loss (to the girl who lost her mother) however the world is not perfect and you must have some faith, to have recognized god as the person to blame. God gave us all something called free will. The person that went into you mother's car while drunk, chose to drink and chose to drive, he used his free will, god never made him do it, he chose to do it. We all have free will and... (turning to the other girl) you too have free will. If you're not happy with your boyfriend, you can choose to find another." With that I said think about it, and left.

They looked at each other and shuffled uncomfortably in their chairs as I was leaving. What amazes me is that we are all to quick to blame other people for the things that go wrong in our life. I am sure that many of you that have a health problem do not blame your neighbour or your sister or your mother or even god for what you go through every day. Some things are just meant to be. It's how we live the life that we have, that determines what kind of life we have. And as someone that has found himself ready to start dating again, I found the other girls' comments about her boyfriend being too nice..a scary thought. Don't we all want to be with someone that is caring and attentive and nice? Or am I so out of touch that 'treat them mean, keep them keen' is the new world order?

Posted by Lee at 04:16 PM | Comments (0)

August 24, 2004

Hollywood Smile

Sorry for the delay in posting. It's been pretty hectic recently. I have been up and down, well and ill, tired and full of energy! I had my appointment at the dentist. It was an experience! Lets go back a while.

Here I was sitting nursing the news that I could have cancer of the mouth and it would be confirmed by a visit to an oral surgeon. My dentist had written to the hopsital and all I had to do was wait for the appointment. Easy. The letter came and to my shock and disgust, I have to wait 16 weeks for an appointment just to be looked at! Thats 4 months. What can happen in 4 months? Will I be here in 4 months? So I go to my planned appointment with the dentist to have lots of work done on my teeth. Before we start I tell her about the appointmen to see if she can get me seen quicker. No such luck, it's the state of the waiting list system. So many people are on it, I will have to wait.

Okay so I will just tell Mr. C to wait. Do'nt kill me yet until I have waited 16 weeks!!! What a complete load of horse crap!! I was in the chair for an hour and fifteen minutes. Had some fillings, bridge work done and my teeth super cleaned!! I came away with a Hollywood Smile. It's amazing how a nice smile can give you so much confidence. My teeth had been savaged by endless antibiotics, coffee, and a million cups of tea a day. Now they were whiter than I had ever known them. I showed them to everyone...even sent pics to penpals around the world! The pain lasted for about 5 days but it was well worth it!

I am off on my holidays in a few days time, which has been a long time coming. It's been booked for 14 months and now it's finally here! My family has decided that they are going to try and fix me up with a nice lady on holiday...who knows they might just do it! Im looking forward to swimming, something I haven't felt comfortable with doing in about 15 years. I hope I don't chicken out and end up giving in to my fears. When I come back I plan to complete a Diploma in Clinical Hypnotherapy and set up a practice. The Clinical part is an addition to Hypnotherapy experience I already have. When I come back from holiday I plan to make some changes to my life, hopefully for the better. Look out Holywood here I come!

Posted by Lee at 12:48 AM | Comments (0)

July 30, 2004

'Back Again'!

Summer has finally arrived in London!  And so has my back pain.    I have been incapacitated over the last few days, with my old back problem.  Because I had the operation for Scoliosis and they took bone out to make holes for the wiring of the Harrington Rod and then took bone from my right hip to fill those holes!, I get bad, bad backaches.  Where my spine leans to the right and has pushed my ribs out of their normal resting place, this then pushes my shoulder blade out of place too. 

For the past few days, I have been unable to move my neck, had severe pain in my right shoulder, my arm has felt like 100 ton of weight on it!  So I have been miserable, uncomfortable, and uncooperative. I have been popping ibuprofen like smarties and the pain just won't go away. Normally I can muster enough breath to expand my lungs so much that it shifts everything and then the pain goes away.  No such luck this time. I think I have a lot of muck in my chest and I'm only able to open my lungs a little bit.   I have epiodes like this every so often.  It's like getting a bad form of sciatica. I don't know if I should sit down, stand up, lay down or just chop myself in half.  It's like having an itch that you just ca'nt scratch!! 

So whereas I should be out in 80 degree heat trying to get something of  a tan, I am walking round like a bear with a sore head.   I seem to have confused a few people over my last posting 'Final Thought'. A lot of people thought that was the end of my diary. I can exclusively reveal it's not!!  I was quite pleased.  I did a search on the internet and my blog came in second on search results on AOL/Google.  I just did a search on my condition and there it popped up!  I wonder if I could type in 'soul mate'  and mine would show up in the results.   I guess with feeling under the weather I have been feeling a bit retro lately. I'm having feelings of 'why haven't I got a girlfriend',  'what am I going to do about it'.  I was quite happy being on my own, in my own space up until yesterday!!  But then I sat and thought, you haven't dated for at least a couple of years and your 34 now, time is ticking away, you don't really want to be on your own forever!!  I don't know about you but I must have profiles posted on a zillion dating sites on the internet. I thought It would be a good way of getting to know someone gradually and then when comfortable move on to meeting them in person, with all the I like this, I have this, out of the way.   On some sites I have had maybe 45 emails a month and on others 1!  The problem I find is that the people that reply are too old for my liking, are Mrs. Nigeria telling me she will split $25,000,000 with me if I help her move money, or I write to a couple and they are not a member so they can't read my reply!   A couple of sites I have paid for trial membership, or a monthly plan, but guess what, when I'm paying to be able to read all emails and reply to them, I get no mail!  As soon as my membership expires, the mail floods in!! I wonder why that is....hmmmm!!! 

As a web designer, I have  often thought about starting a dating website for people that have some kind of health problems and are a little uneasy about that and would like to meet like minded people, but only charge a once in a lifetime fee of say $5/$5. Trouble is I couldn't come up with a good enough name, and would it really be appreciated and used?  What do YOU think? Is it a good idea? Answers on a postcard please!

Well that is all for today. My chair is not so good when my back hurts and it just aggrevates my back, so I will say bye for now, look out for the next post!

Posted by Lee at 02:10 AM | Comments (0)

July 27, 2004

Final Thought

I've had so much fun writing my health diary. The trip down memory lane was quite refreshing.  I started writing a book about over a year ago and I stopped for one reason or another. What I have learned from writing on Health Diaries is that I really do enjoy writing.  So I am going to dust down the file and revisit my book and see if I can complete it. Strangley, but true, it's a romance novel and it's written as if I was a female! It's vaguely based on some events and people in my life.  I decided to write as a 'female' to try and see if I could grasp the female perspective on things and my intention was/is to be published under a female name!!  And then reveal to the world, that men really do understand women, as the author is in fact male!   Sneaky eh! If I do get published, then healthdiaries.com will be the first to know and it will be available to anyone that's interested at a secret website!  If any Hollywood Directors are happening to be reading my diary and would like to buy the rights to my Health Diary life story, or a publisher wants to publish a book based on it....I'm open to offers!

I have read many entries to other people's diaries and as bad as my life has been, I feel that the old addage rings true.  "There's always someone worse off." I consider myself lucky.  To everyone that has taken the time to read my diary, I thank you. Remember life is what you make it, you play with the cards you are dealt and you try and make the best hand out of it.  If you can smile while everyone around you is losing their head, your doing alright.  Be lucky!

Posted by Lee at 02:19 PM | Comments (0)

July 26, 2004

July 2004

From Cared for to Carer.

Over the past 5 years I have been acting as a 'carer' for my mum.  She suffered a stroke, which she recovered from quite well, but has been left with  a short term memory problem. So I look after her making sure gas rings are off, taps are not left running, deal with her letters and finances and generally make sure she is safe and okay.  I visit her every day and we chat and sort out daily difficulties. She gave so much of her life and now its my turn to take the time to make sure she is okay. We are very close. She is my best friend as I am hers. Even though I am 34 she still sees me as her little baby. Well don't all mothers!  She still worries about my health and makes sure that I am okay.

Life can be cruel.

I went to the dentist this week on Tuesday for a normal checkup. Expecting a clean and polish I left with a very bitter taste in my mouth and a heavy feeling in my heart.  The dentist told me that she wanted a second opinion from another dentist, which she called in and confirmed her thoughts. It seems that in my palet I have something which she called 'white spots'. "I want you to go to an oral surgeon. I think you may have cancerous tissue in your mouth. I think he will do a biopsy to check."

Well knock me back with a brick wall!! I only wanted a polish!! It made me recall a conversation I had with myself one night, when your laying in bed and things are running through your head, that I have had something wrong with my heart, my spine, my head with the breakdown I had...all that's left is cancer Lee.  Well it just goes to show, be careful what you 'wish' for!  It's not confirmed yet. I'm still waiting for the appointment. I expect I will deal with it as I have all things, one day at a time.

I have a holiday to look forward to and that's what I'm concentrating on. I feel sure that should I get bad news, there will be someone who will come along and save me once more. Should the worse happen, there will only be one regret in my life, that I am not married and do not have children. The rest of my life I am content with and have accepted as a natural life path and 'cest la vie'. When my time is up, be it 5 months or 25 years, I will go contented, but still broken hearted.

 

Posted by Lee at 05:04 AM | Comments (0)

July 25, 2004

The Angel of Death

Throughout my life, I am sure that I have been blessed with Angels watching over me and guiding me through difficult and dangerous times. I think of Jenny as an Angel and Peter as one too. I was about to experience a new kind of Angel. One which I did not welcome, but had no control over. I sailed through life, 21, 22, 23 having a ball. All my health problems were behind me. I had been involved in various relationships, some lasting just a month, some lasting up to a year. Now, having had these relationships, you would think that I would realize that my view on my appearance was totally different to others.

I have always had that problem, that too look at me you wouldn't know I had any health problems, not unless you looked at my back or chest closely. But I had years of self confidence issues, paranoia about my scars and rib hump, that it were stored in my brain as fact. I have had further two small operations from 21 to 23. One to remove six ribs for cosmetic reasons to allow them to grow back into a normal shape. That did not work. I also had an operation to remove the metal clips from my chest that were in place since 1976 and were sticking out of my chest like gold nuggets trying to break out of my skin. Again for cosmetic reasons. Another relationship ended and I spent many night pondering on the entirety of my life, looking at myself in the mirror and I was disgusted with me. I even thought I was being punished for something to have to have to go through all these things. I sank into a place where only the Devil enjoyed. I was a good actor. I could disguise my deepening mood at work and at home. One dark day I had severe thoughts of killing myself. It was the right thing to do. I wasn't ever going to be married or have children, which is something I so very much wanted. After all, who is going to want me? I would always be unable to enjoy swimming or walk around feeling the breeze against my skin. My life was one of pain, broken hearts, in more ways than one, and dissapointment.

By the time I reached 24, I was at my lowest ever. One day seemed a good day to die. I took lots of pills, two bottles of night nurse (don't ask me why!) and went to bed. For god's sake, I woke up in the morning!! I took half a pharmacy. I should be dead! I had no bad head, no bad stomach, nothing!! So of coure I felt worse. I couldn't even accomplish that. I tried again. This time a sure fire way. I took a knife and slashed into my artery where the dip in your elbow is. I laid there on the bed, blood flowing. It wouldn't be long now. Then someone walked into my house and found me. I told them I had had an accident. They called an ambulance and I was sticthed up. Asked a few 'suicide' questions, fooled the doctor and came back home, in quite bad pain. I could hide the dressing, my arms were never on display anyway.

A week or so later I just packed a few things, left a note to my mum saying I was going away to kill myself and left. It was strange that day. I wasn't me. I was someone else. I felt as if I was being led by someone. I caught a flight to Spain and left the country. Booked into a hotel and found the biggest knife I could. I was going to slash my wrists and jump off the balcony. Two hits are better than one. I decided I would have one last day on earth, have a drink, explore the town a bit. That night in a bar I met a young woman who it turns out was working with my old best friend from first and middle school. I sat for ages talking to her, asking about him and his family and sharing stories from the old home town. We danced and even had a little kiss or two! I felt free and I felt detached from the world. If someone had come up to me that night and offered me drugs, i would of taken them, even though I have never ever and still to this day not touched any kind of drug. Or if a street merchant had asked me to have my picture taken with a tarantula or a cobra, I would of done it! I don't remember much except arriving back in the UK, having been away for over 2 weeks.

I was met by the police as the plane landed. They had been looking for me. The Spanish police had been involved and here I was. I was taken to see my GP and they wanted to take me into the hospital. I begged my mum not to let them. I had been running away from hospitals all my life. It was agreed that i would see a doctor at home 3 times a week to start with and I was prescribed the new wonder drug of the day. Prozac. I sat legs under my chin for days, weeks, just crying and crying. I had a wondeful doctor. I say he reprogrammed me. My mentality today is so different from my previous years. I am a new man. I'm sure in my darkest hours the angel of death was with me waiting to take my soul, but as before in all the days I needed someone to see me through, there was this old friend of a friend, there to help me. Amazing.

Now, I don't worry what people think. I say take me as I am or not at all. If someone is talking about me they are leaving some other person alone. I am what I am. I have fought to be me and my heart is better than a lot of people out there. I have true love to give. One day an angel of marriage may come my way, but at least for now, I can say I am no longer ashamed of my body , no longer feel inferior or worry if people are talking about me.
I have a very small circle of friends now, that are true friends and I can walk around with no top on with them and they think nothing of it as nor do I. So this is where I end my trip down memory lane and start to tell you about my most recent days and life. 34 years was a lot to catch up on! I was 34 this June (2004). I have a new outlook on life and am looking forward to a holiday in August. But life can be cruel, as I recently found out.

Posted by Lee at 04:17 AM | Comments (0)