July 23, 2004
Six Million Dollar Man
Before I continue my diary, I would just like to thank everyone who has emailed me (princesingle@aol.com) or posted a comment, to say how much they are enjoying my diary and how much of a help it has been.
I had improved enough to be able to walk up and down the corridors, up some stairs and get myself in and out of bed. My journey home was a bit rough, having to travel on the London Underground (the Tube). I was rocked about, shook and swayed, as the train ran across the tracks. My bed had been moved downstairs to make it easier for me. I was still pretty weak and sore, so a nap here and there was in order throughout the day. I had several visits from Jenny over the months and we got along fine. Just as quickly as she had entered my life, she was gone. I suspect that she had found herself a boyfriend nearer her age, with a bit more street credentials. I was still only 15 and she was 19. The age gap at that point in her life was significant and besides I was 'out of action' for a couple of months. I don't blame her, in fact I thank her. Sometimes I wonder if she was real. Maybe she was an angel sent to help me through some tough times. Whatever she was, she is and alway wills be a lasting cherished memory.
I had to have a home teacher to help me prepare for my exams. I couldn't go to school for the last six months of my school life, partly because I was still in such discomfort and partly because the school was nervous about having me on the premises! I took some exams at home and some I managed to do at school. Considering I missed pretty much the first 6 years of school with my heart and most of my final year with my back, I think I did well. I passed 5 O Levels in English, Math, Geography, French and History. By the time I left school at 16 I had more spare parts in me than the Six Million Dollar Man! A Dacron Patch between the two chambers of the heart, a false pulmonary valve and a Harrington Rod attached to my spine. I was quite fortunate that I was able to get a job immediately after leaving school for the Local Council (City Hall). I was in tip top health now, moving into the adult world. I mixed with my colleagues, went drinking with them, attended dinner parties, disco's and family functions. I found myself a nice girlfriend, was working and had a great set of friends. So everything was great, wasn't it?
Well it should be. Trouble was, I was now interested in women in a more adult way. I had my boyhood experience and really just laid back and thought of England at the time, but now I was more mature and more active sexually. And that meant taking my clothes off in front of someone I cared for a lot and possibly was in love with. It took me a long time, in a roundabout, dropping hints in a kind of way to explain my medical conditions to girls that I went out with. I didn't want them to think me a freak, or to run a mile. I was always making excuses why I was it a sweatshirt when the sun was blazing. My girlfriend bought me T Shirts and short sleeved shirts to wear. I smiled and said they were lovely. They only got worn when she came round. This particular girlfriend was quite sweet and understanding. My mum explained my situation and I remember one particular day when we were alone in my bedroom, kissing and cuddling, and she undid my shirt. I was horrified, scared, I was waiting for her to look at my chest and scream or run off and be sick or do something drastic! I know it's just a scar and as I have mentioned earlier, my left breast bone is slightly more protruding than my right one due to the operation, but to people who have never experienced that, or have only had boyfriends who have had a normal physique, it can be quite daunting. Anyway, to my surprise, she kissed my scar and stroked my chest. We talked about my condition for hours, she had a little cry and I was never embarrassed in front of her again.
The trouble is, finding a girlfriend was never the problem for me, I was never shy about approaching them or showing them affection. I was just always very scared of that inevitable time when the relationship would move on and I would have to show my body off again. The thing I like most is a nice cuddle when a girl puts her arms around you. I would always wait for the "whats that" when their hand would find my raised ribs on my back. Whenever a relationship finished, I would always add to the list of reasons my back and chest as one of the reasons why. After all, when there are fitter and more normally shaped men out there, surely I'm just a passing ship in the night.
It was fast approaching my 21st birthday. I was still full of energy, life and expectation. Then I started to notice a decline in my energy levels. At first I thought I was doing too much. Out partying 'til 2am, working a 12 hour day, but it was more than that. I was coming in from work and going to sleep straight away. My breathing was getting worse too. There was more to it than just overdoing it.
Posted by Lee on July 23, 2004 12:36 PM