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October 19, 2004

Still Riding the Roller Coaster

My very first post and I had to stop writing after proof-reading what I'd done to that point. All the emotion of that day came rushing back and I sat at the keyboard balling my eyes out. I thought I had a pretty good handle on my feelings, and that I was in a pretty good place, mentally speaking. Guess not! Just when you think you've got it all together, turns out you don't!
Tried filling out forms today for LTD for my workplace insurance company, and the same thing happened....Niagara Falls all down my face!
Before I try going on with the story of my journey thus far, I may need to take a break and maybe just use this venue as a sounding board to get some of this crap out!
Enough for today.

Posted by Sue Checkley at 01:53 PM | Comments (0)

October 17, 2004

Life Forever Changed

Sitting here at the keyboard, wondering where to begin my "story", I realize that the beginning would probably be the best.
I've never been much of a journal-keeper. Oh, I've made the odd attempt over the years, but never was able to maintain an on-going record of the daily things that make up one's life. Besides, what's the purpose? Who exactly are you supposed to be writing it all down for anyway? I've been told that one can look at it as a form of therapy, a way of purging oneself of all the garbage that we tend to keep pushed down inside ourselves. And I suppose one could record some good stuff too, to keep a nice balance. After a while though, I tend to get bored with the writing and all my good intentions go out the window.
So here I am, taking another stab at it (although in a different format than what I've used in the past) and maybe this time.....well, we'll see!

It was Thursday, March 25th. to be exact that my life as I knew it was forever changed. The weather that day seemed to match my mood. It was a cold and snowy late March day, with the kind of cold that cuts right through you. Dull skies hung heavy overhead, with clouds that felt like they were pressing down on you. It was hard to breathe, but not because of any physical problem; my mind was all over the place and I couldn't concentrate on any one thing because of the fear. You see, I pretty much already knew what the surgeon was going to tell me, but I was hoping against hope that maybe I was wrong; maybe the tumour would be benign.
Two months earlier, at my husband's insistence, I went to see my G.P. about a cold I'd had for just a little over 3 weeks. There had been an occasion in the past where I had developed pneumonia that started out as a cold, and Mark wanted to be sure that something similar wasn't happening again. After the usual examination and questions, my doctor suggested that perhaps we should get a chest x-ray done. Within hours of having the x-ray, my doctor's office was on the phone, saying the doc wanted to speak with me. There appeared to be a "soft, tissue mass" outside my right lung that wasn't there on an x-ray done in August 2003.
The doc said that she could shedule a CT scan but it would take weeks (2 months actually) before we would know anything. The only other way to be sure of what we were dealing with would be to have a biopsy done, which could be arranged in less than 2 weeks. Having been a smoker for over 40 years, I figured I had already tempted fate long enough so I may as well go for the gusto and get the biopsy done.
So here were Mark & I on this dreary March day, sitting in the surgeon's examination room waiting for him to deliver the news. When he said the words "non-small cell lung cancer" and "adenocarcinoma" I felt a cold rush go through my entire body. "This must be a dream and any minute now, I'm going to wake up!" was all I could think. This couldn't be happening to me, not now, not when my life with Mark was going so well!

Posted by Sue Checkley at 06:22 PM | Comments (1)