May 05, 2006
Losing One's Right to Complain
The other day I came across an article written by an oncology nurse, who also happens to have cancer. The piece she wrote described exactly how I feel sometimes. I thought it would be good to share it here and let others know that it's o.k. to feel this way now and then because I certainly do. This woman was able to articulate the emotions that many patients have but are reluctant to express. She is an American with ovarian cancer, but the feelings she has are universal and apply to anyone who has cancer in any form.
Losing One's Right to Complain - by Cary Vera-Garcia
As Americans, we have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I would like to add that, despite being diagnosed with advanced ovarian cancer, I also have my sacred right to complain.
A cancer survivor is expected to always be positive, cheerful and optimistic. If you verbalize any physical complaint whatsoever or fail to have a sunny outlook, you are usually scolded severely by family and friends. Apparently, once you have cancer, you must be so ecstatic about simply being alive that you no longer have the right to say anything negative.
Once you have cancer, bad days must become a thing of the past. Receive a cancer diagnosis and you may never scowl again. If you have hair that is thinning because of chemo, you are told that your hair is beautiful as it is. If you are plumped up with steroids, you are told that you look great with those nice, pink cheeks. You are constantly reminded that you look good, so it must mean that the cancer is gone.
You are told that if you remain positive, you will be cured. It doesn't matter what the doctors tell you. If you have faith, you will be cured. The people that tell you how you should act and feel are the same people that complain about headaches, toothaches, body aches and bad hair days. They have the right to complain because they don't have a life-threatening illness. They have the luxury of worrying about the little things. I have news for non-cancer survivors - there are a lot of positive cancer patients residing six feet under.
Despite having cancer, I have not suddenlly become superhuman. Many of the treatments for cancer feel worse than the disease. I have the right to say that the treatments are difficult to handle. Cancer treatments are expensive and it is normal for me to complain about my finances. I am entitled to feel upset just like anyone else. I am not obligated to act more positive or happier than I actually feel just because I have cancer.
My complaints do not mean that I have given up. They do not mean I will not continue taking treatments. Complaining allows me to vent and work through my feelings. If my family and friends feel uncomfortable being around a person who is honest about her feelings, then I suggest they don't hang around a cancer survivor. Cancer is difficult enough and I don't have the time or inclination to put on an act.
Cancer is a lonely disease. If someone wants to help a cancer survivor, they should just listen. While many people are quick to tell me everything will be fine, few people are willing to let me talk about death, fear about treatment and how cancer has changed my life.
If you have rolled your eyes as you listened to your friends admonish you on your less-than-stellar cancer survivor behavior, tell them to be real friends. Tell them to be quiet and listen. Tell them to withhold their judgment on how you should act until they have been diagnosed with a llife-threatening disease. Or hand them this essay and walk away. My life is no less precious or lived less well just because I complain.
-30-
I would like to add a few remarks to this person's essay.
Along with constantly being told how "good you look", and the silent but acknowledged inference that if you look so good, then why aren't you working, it's good to remember that old adage, "Never judge a book by its cover."
Canadians are covered provincially for their health care and many employees have additional benefits as part of their compensation package at their workplace. Getting by on long term disability benefits is no picnic, however, because the numbers just don't add up to the same amount as your regular salary or wage. On the job you have the option of being paid over-time, or receive bonuses, higher commissions, etc. if you work harder. No insurance company I know of will pay you extra because you were sicker this week than last, or had to endure more procedures or testing.
Comparisons to other people who've had a bout of cancer (e.g. "My sister had breast cancer and she's just fine!")
are not welcome to the cancer survivor who's still fighting the disease. No two people's diagnosis is the same, nor are the circumstances surrounding each patient's individual situation. To compare one cancer survivor to another is just plain ignorant and hurtful.
Finally, not everyone's friends and family draw closer to the patient once they've been diagnosed with cancer. Sometimes adult children, parents, wives, husbands, etc. distance themselves from the cancer survivor at a time when she needs them the most. The reminder of their own mortality is more than they can handle, so they choose not to handle it at all. Nothing is sadder than a mother who's children have abandoned her in her time of need.
Yes, I believe all cancer survivors would agree that your life as you once knew it is changed forever with the diagnosis. As much as you try to remain positive and take one day at a time, there is always the possibility of a recurrence hanging over your head like a black cloud. It's very hard going through life knowing that you could wake up one day and be right back at square one. So you try not to think about that; but sometimes being able to talk to someone about your fears is a welcome respite from constantly holding it in and trying to "put on a happy face".
Posted by Sue Checkley on May 5, 2006 06:27 PM