December 20, 2010
Its been a looong time:)
Long long time since I have been here but I believe I will be here more regularly now. I who if you ever have read this blog have fought going on disability for eight long hard years now and I gave in-I filed in April and was approved last month-so that is how my story goes now.
I have always felt that I look normal, people can not look at me and tell I am sick so I was too afraid of what people would think about me being on disability at my age and not obviously sick to the naked eye, but I can not work anymore and it was becoming glaringly obvious that something had to change or I would not have any quality of life. Imagine my surprise when as the "queen of de-nile" regarding my lupus I got approved right away and without an attorney! I cried the day I found out. They were not tears of relief they were tears of resignation. I was resigned to the fact that I truly truly am very sick and that was hard to learn lol. You would think with eight years of experience at this I would have already accepted it........acceptance is hard at least for me.
October 06, 2009
Tired depressed and miserable
I am in so much pain and I am at work. My neck, head, and left leg from the hip down hurt dreadfully. I looked in the mirror today and noticed I am getting my "mask" back. I hate seeing the black mask start to form on my face it seems it always brings a hospitalization flare up with it. I wish I may I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight. I wish I could make this go away for ever and not have to deal with it anymore. It is worse because a friend of mine has a friend of hers that moved here that also has lupus and she is on disability for it and the two of them tell me "oh you should go on disability, oh you dont have to work, oh you would feel better if you stayed home"-BULL-that might work for her but it would kill me. I have no kids left at home, I have nothing to do all day but wait to die? I am only 40!!!! I am not done living yet. I am studying for my insurance exam and I have alot of plans still! This may be the hard way to do it but it is my choice!
September 17, 2009
I do not know what to do. I need the painkillers to maintain a normal life, and yet I need to get off them because I am doing things that are not my character generally and I know that. There have been so many major stressors in my life lately and I have been taking way to many to numb emotional pain as well. I just do not want to live anymore. That is the way I feel 90% of the time now. I have been to depressed lately to even know what is right for me and what is not. No one even tries to understand especially my husband. he does not want to take any responsibliity for this even though I will not betray my family by posting what happened just take my word for it it is BAD and it is not that he had an affair with some strange woman it is way worse than that. My life and my mind are in such turmoil right now.........