February 09, 2005
I get so lonely I could cry.....
I am so isolated at work being in an office by myself for nine hours a day and I thought that I was getting better, we had a seminar and it was upstairs (nothing but bright fluroscent lights) after about thirty minutes in those my head was hurting my eyes were burning and I was sick to my stomach, so I guess I still have to stay alone :(.
I was really hoping to get moved back to a room with everyone else now that I am feeling somewhat better I no longer want to be so isolated but there is no where for me to go that does not have those damn lights! So I sit in my dark office with only a small lamp and atleast my head does not hurt so badly.
This has really adversely affected my job in many ways. I was definitely next in line for a promotion and I can kiss that good bye now. No one even asks me for help anymore and when they do mention my name it is in whispers and I know they feel sorry for me. I just want my life back the way it was LBL (life before lupus). I have nto done anything wrong-I do not deserve this and it is wrong that I am being punished for my immune system not being able to do its job! There is now no way that I will ever get ahead at my job and I am too old to try and go somewhere else and hope to end up in at least middle management. IT IS NOT FAIR! I did not do anything wrong! Somedays it seems like playing by the rules and doing the right thing are for naught. I want a raise, a promotion and the respect that comes with both but I will never get that now. I am really at a crossroads in trying to decide what direction my life should take now. I just wish sometimes that I had a guardian angel who could point me in the right direction. Tonight I am whining because I will never get ahead at my job and yet I know I am no longer as reliable as I used to be, I know I can not be counted on to always be there and I know the company can not afford to promote based on past performance alone, so realistically I do not blame them, but it hurts so bad. I have always been an overacheiver as far as my life goes and it seems like everthing I have wanted all I have ever had to do is work really hard and I got it-now it is out of my control and I do not know what to do to bring it back.
Lupus is not for control freaks that is for sure! You never know what each day is going to bring. The temp is supposed to take a major nosedive tonite so I know I will be hurting in the morning and I am not looking forward to that at all. What can you do? I keep trying to have a positive attitude but some days it is so hard and I get so down about the drastic changes in my life. I can not shoot basketball with my son anymore that breaks my heart.
Posted by Lisa on February 9, 2005 06:47 PM
Comments
Mother Nature definitely deals out brutal tough love sometimes. Because of this unknown disease, I was never able to begin a career. Everything kept getting hyjacked, even though the Phoenix would rise again and again, only to be shot down.
So this disease is brutal, tough love. But you never know what blessings this can bring to enrich your life either. While playing the hand of card you are dealt, along the way we control freaks learn patience, acceptance, tolerance, self esteem, flexibility, and many other "management promotions" in the overview of the Universe itself, instead of the employer at hand.
Grieving the loss of what you expected your life to be is a journey, and it must be done in your own time, at your own rate. Until acceptance comes from within, and not because it is forced from without. And then you may find a faith that you never expected to find. And self esteem and courage and other blessings you would never have had were it not for this horrendous disease.
But we each have to take the time it takes each of us personally to accept what is happening, acknowledge what the long term effect is going to be. And this may take 10 years. The next step - taking actions - well - I haven't gotten there yet. But I have hope and faith that it will come.
But you are in the process of grieving a loss, Lisa, my friend. And we all go thru that process on our own schedules. And anger, and disappointment, and self pity, and all those other things are necessary for us to each experience. And it's a journey. To Let Go of one life, and to embrace that somehow, you will eventually envision the joy and serenity that will come, somehow, in the upcoming years. It is not going to be what you expected ten years ago. It is going to be different. Right now, all this sucks. Vent as much as you want. You need to. You have to. For inorder to see the rainbows at the other end, and find solutions, you do have to do a lot of letting go.
I'm still in that process. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Because every time I trained to do one thing, my body sabotaged that plan.
As they say, "Man makes plans while God laughs."
Give yourself time. Healing takes time. And there is not way to not acknowledge this. We control freaks, we planners, we perfectionists, do not want someone else to come and sabotage our well laid plans. But once you accept that it has happened, I can tell you there will be a lot of blessings and opportunities that you would never have dreamed of ten years ago. Sure lupus sucks. But there are actually some things that happen in the midst of all the shit that bring you gratitude that is immeasurable as well.
Posted by: Cath at February 10, 2005 11:37 PM