This is your first acute flare up and it is not over yet. Once it is, you will have time to breathe again. But you first have to get thought this first acute flare up. It's the pits at 36. I know. But it will never be as bad as it is right now again. It seems the first big hit is the biggest. Just accept. Breathe. And let go of all your expectations for this year. Then, when you go into remission, and things calm down, you'll be able to see the calm through the storm. You have to give up control to gain control over this disease. I know it sounds ridiculous right now, but Let it All Go, Lisa. You're expectations are what are killing you right now, not the disease. Once you just relaz and realize that it will take this "retrovirus" a period of time to come out of flare up, and you have made it through, and are no longer running any fever for two months, you'll have the headset to start working on the bigger issues of life. You'll be able to do alot of those things again. And if you go into another acute flare up in 21 months or so, you will know how to handle it, it won't be as virulent as this attack has been, and it won't last for as long. No more than three months if you totally behave yourself and do exactly as your body is telling you to do. Fifteen years from now, this kind of acute flare up will be a dim memory as the disease changes in future decades as hormonal factors change.

It's like getting a puppy. If you thought the dog was going to chew up everything and pee and poop all over the place for 13 years, you'd go beserk. It is because we know that it is just a "stage" and a "season" to be weathered, we can "train" our dogs when they have bladder and bowel control very easily by being consistant. CTD are the same. The meds that help the fibro are totally different than the meds that help the CTD such as Lupus. It took me 51 years to figure this one out, so don't feel so badly or beat up on yourself. It takes time for all of use to figure out all the pieces of the puzzle. And it has to come from keenly observing ourselves as an non judgementa, outside observer - looking at ourselves from ourside of the picture. And you need to givfe yourself the time and patience to just ly back and be that non judgemental "scientist" and see exactly how your body is reacting to what, what helps, and how long certain symptoms last during flares, and how many hours are between symptoms that are recurrent. It's almost like the reverse of labor from the acute flare up to remission if you do nothing to interfere with your body being able to heal itself. Then you get a few years off with the SLE or whatever. If fibro remains, you treat that. You also treat any infection pro-actively, prophyllactically so that no infection developes that could turn on your immune system and then turn on you in an autoimmune disease, self destructive attack on yourself. It takes time to learn about your body. And only by listening, and experienceing a few flares in the next five years, with time off for good behavior, will you get a sense of how this disease waxes and wanes.

And by the way, some of those people you are jealous of now? They'll die of breast cancer before they hit 50, and you'll be holding your grandchildren at age 75. So don't think you can see the whole picture. You are focused on just that little bit of the parade that is right before you eyes now. Take time to grieve, but do it in perspective. When you are up with the baton twillers twenty years from now, some of the people in your section of the parade right now will already by six feet under. And that is also something that you have no control over. Acknowledging your disease is the first really hard step. Accepting it is only something you can do in time when you have gone thru a few flares, and you have more knowledge of how it goes into and out of remission, and is in flux. Taking action will be your third step, and that will come in many different phases as well. Now, becoming your own in hospital, honest care giver and reporting everying to your doctors. Later, when you are in remission, going back to college part time is a great way to phase back into the real world. Keeping hope alive and well, and knowing that you will no be feeling the way you do next year at this time, is the one fact that you have to accept and just let go of the control of how you can "make" something happen. Just let the disease run its course without trying to fight it and it will go into remission faster. Otherwise, you'll just stay in flare up until you get the idea that it is your power to get rid of every single physical and mental stress in your life. Eventually you'll get a handle on things. Like, one hour of brain work takes the same "energy" as four hours of physical work done after sunset, or one hour done between four and eightPM while the sun is still out - or whatever you find your limits to be.

Acceptance is the toughest job you'll ever do. But you can "think" yourself to death. And thinking that you will remain as hopeless a case as you feel right now forever, could just make that a reality. Lighten up. Destress you mind. Let everything go. Nothing is worth worrying over right now. Put yourself in a position where you can rest, bathe, and eat healthy. That's it. Let everything else go.

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