January 30, 2006
Just call me Cleopatra-I am the queen of Denial :)
If you have read through my blog before, then you know there are times when I have accepted (sure) my lupus and other times when I have been shocked that it is here. Ever notice how your mind plays tricks on you? I had been feeling almost normal for a little while and that is not good for someone as prone to denial as I am.
I have a fever again and swollen joints and hurting, and headache and yadda yadda yadda. My husband looked at me and he said-I guess you really do have lupus. At first I was offended then I looked at him and started to cry and said yeah I guess so. I guess after a few months with no real problems other than going blind for a few days-I assumed maybe they were wrong and I was really alright. This sucks...........I have a life and I want to LIVE it. The worst part for me is the mind games I play with myself though. "Oh I am fine, just tired"-that is my favorite one apparently because I use it all the time. I wonder what other mind games we play with ourselves to just pretend to be normal? What is normal? I can feel I am getting depressed all over again as if I was just diagnosed-WHY? I have known for over a year now!! God Lisa-get over it-others have it a lot worse than I do!! Why can I not stop feeling sorry for me? I wish I could just blow it off and not dwell on it but it is so hard when you wake up feeling like you have been hit by a truck while you were sleeping and it does not get any better over the course of the day.
Last night I went to bed at 7-at 8:30 I woke up to my husband wiping me down with alcohol-my fever shot up again and I was too weak to even notice-but he had come to check on me and felt it-this is CRAZY! I just want my life back the way it was before lupus invaded!
Posted by Lisa on January 30, 2006 1:56 AM
Comments
Lisa, I suspect we've all been Cleaopatra at some time or another in our lives, especially when we're hit with irrefutable evidence. It makes it so hard to live in the fantasy land most of live in that "everything just fine!" Life is wraught with so many disappointments but the one thing I do know is the more we know the more control we have over the one thing we only have control over our own reactions and abilities to live with dignity. Knowledge is power right. Find out everything you can on Lupus because the study of what afflicts you gives you power over the symptoms and "surprises" that those who hide their heads in the sand get. You'll be able to say: "I expected this and I'm prepared so we'll get through this moment or set back because it's all about the quality of life that you have however you have it. You have a wonderful caring partner and that's so fabulous and such a blessing! I was touched that he was taking care of you when you didn't even realize it! So enjoy your reign as Cleopatra and more importantly enjoy your reign as LISA in your life and all that Lisa still has to offer despite this debilitating illness. I bow to your strength sweetie and your given journey. I thank you for sharing your feelings and your struggles with us, it's quite admirable, blessings to you and yours from now on and I'll pray for your healing and comfort! -ijellorca
Posted by: ijellorca at January 31, 2006 10:32 AM