July 25, 2004
Why Me?
I ask myself this simple question all the time...why me? I can remember a time before when I could go places on my own, when I didn't NEED to have somebody with me just to go shopping or on the bus to the park. I hate this. I hate feeling like I am living in a bubble. My therapist says it will eventually get better, that one day I will be able to walk more than 100 yards outside my house without feeling like I am going to have a panic attack. I want to be able to go "mall-crawling" with my sixteen year old son and tell him I will meet him in an hour at the food court. I want to go Christmas shopping without having the person I am shopping for at my side all the time. I want to feel human again, not like a caged animal or dog that can't be let off it's leash.
You see, for me that is what agoraphobia feels like. I was house bound for 3 years when I went for a ride on the bus and had to get right back on because I was starting to panic. I was finally diagnosed 2 years ago with agoraphobia with panic disorder. I can finally go out of the house but not without a "safe person" or my seizure alert/comfort dog with me. If I try I am afraid I will have a panic attack and then I start having all the signs of one coming on. I am determined to get better. I have to get better so I can do simple things again with my family and not feel like such an outsider. And so that I can stop asking "Why Me?"
Posted by Rose S. on July 25, 2004 08:59 AM
DATE: 8/6/2004 11:09:55 AM
Sweet, sweet Rose.....I am so glad that you have the wonderful support system that you do. Your day described on 7/30 was pretty full; I could've only done 2-3 of the stops before my body gave out (I'm writing under Chronic pain, Fibromyalgia). So reading your long list of stops and your plans for getting through them, which btw is a great idea, tired me out just reading.How did you do with your errand day? I know what panic attacks are like from FMS, couln't have related before that. I was kinda in a constant panic for the early months and now it rears its ugly head when I least expect it, usually in front of my inlaws or in public...of course that doesn't count the near-panic-depressive episodes that keep me from even thinking of leaving the house. In the early days I had to rely on my Mom and my 11 yr old daughter and so I know what you mean about feeling bad/guilty about leaning on loved ones.....but we'd do the same for them and we do, right? I'm ok at home, but the thought of laboring through pain and fatigue on errands can make my body and mind say NO NO NO.Also I wondered if you'd share a wee bit about your seizure/support dog with us. I love dogs and am so proud of them for being support for those in need. I have a 5 year old yellow lab who would be great, and I'm sure she's trainable, even tho we've nicknamed our Ginger "the Moose", because she's BIG. I never had large dogs before. Ginger gives unconditional love. Our other dog is Suzie, a white german shepherd/huskie mix, mid-size and lean, can jump and look over the 8 foot wall in back.....we rescued her from a kill shelter in El Paso. She was very shy and wouldn't leave our sides or the family room for the first month. Now she'll romp through the house with us. She still doesn't like us to leave her and will take our hands gently (usually) in her mouth to try to get us to stay in or out with her). And she'll just pop her upper body on our laps now and then, she's more needy and her random hugs are full of love. Anyway, that's our doggie family, they give me such Joy, often the laugh out loud kind which is such good therapy!!I'll check back in with you and visit me at My Life with Fibromyalgia if you get a chance.Hugs, Judy
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Posted by: Judy in AZ at January 1, 2005 09:18 PM
hey my name is bekah, and iam 19 yo. And what you explain in this passage describes me to a t. I know there is other ppl out there with the disorder, but up intill now ive felt alone. i go to therapy, and am on meds, but that all doesnt really seem to help. My therapist keeps saying in the future ill be able to do things i could never imagine doing now, but i just dont see it, altough i try to stay positive.
Posted by: rebekah at April 6, 2009 02:07 PM