Health Diaries > Bipolar Disorder > Handcuffed to the Roller Coaster
October 10, 2004
What Depression Means
Don't you just wish you could explain to people what it feels like when you're depressed? Ideally, you could be in mental telepathy with them and show them, but there's really no way to tell people what depression is like.
They think it is like being sad, or unhappy. They may relate it to simple boredom. This is where you get suggestions like, "What do you have to be depressed over?" or, "Why don't you just do *-* and then you'll feel better," as if depression were only being at a loss for things to keep one occupied. My mom likes to tell me to take a walk or get some exercise.
I've been riding a low this week--part of the reason I haven't been writing, and today I couldn't get out of bed until it was time to go to work. And it's not like I didn't have tons of stuff to do, or I couldn't have exercised on the treadmill, I just couldn't get up. I was tired.
Being depressed is more like being physically exhausted. Every chore or task seems insurmountable. I had laundry to do today, and I mean LAUNDRY. Everything I own is dirty. But I couldn't make myself get up to do it. I was too tired. The physical task of sorting, carrying down to the laundry room, putting the soap in the wash, it was all too much. Easier to stay in bed.
Being depressed is like having just run a marathon. Everyone has seen the end of an ironman triathlon on TV, when the runners come in and just collapse into their trainers' arms, spent, with nothing left to give. They may have laundry to do too, but you'll never catch them doing it. No one would expect it of them. Depression is like that.
Nothing is pleasurable, in depression. People may say, "I don't always like everything, either," but depression is different. It's like looking at the world through smeared glasses. Flowers are less bright, the sky is less blue. It's just not nice, and there seems to be no reason to keep trying to find something to like in all that gray dinginess.
It took me forty-five minutes to sit down and write this, and it's not coming out at all like I hoped. Depression is like that. Nothing is right, thought it's hard to say what is wrong. Everything's askew, and it's just a question of waiting till things straighten back out again.
I'm very tired. I want to sleep. I will have to get up tomorrow and do at least one load of laundry, or my work clothes will go to work by themselves. I think I can manage one chore tomorrow, the laundry. And I will tidy up the kitchen, which I also haven't done all weekend. But maybe this post will help. Maybe you can give it to someone who doesn't understand why you're depressed, and you can explain what it means.
Posted by Susan on October 10, 2004 4:12 AM
Comments
Hi Susan,I think you did a good job of explaining depression. I have Fibromyalgia and since giving up my life as I knew it at age 35, and I'm gonna be 42 this month, I've developed an agitated depression and major depressive disorder.All I know is that a depressive period (it usually lasts a couple or few days so I don't want to say 'episode') is generally triggered for me by: 1) something triggering pain from the past, anniversaries of lost loved ones, even a movie that has a part like when I lost my grandparents, or uncle at 36, or my daughter, Jen's, dad (my ex) at 37 of a stroke 10/13 to brain dead 10/15...this just anniversaried last month and was sooo hard on me, I cry for my daughter; a crying jag is followed by med & bed and attempts at double nostril breathing.....then depression....2)overdoing things and suffering the wrath of my body, the additional pain (I live with a 5-6 on a scale of 10 every day & often shoot to 12 several times a day), brings on the hopelessness of my situation; there's no cure, this comes on me whether I overdid or not so don't beat myself up on overdoing if I enjoyed whatever I was doing, and is this going to be my life forever?? Back to med and bed.....then depression.......3)Blame it on the weather, an argument with my daughter or husband, blame it on the moon or the fact that this is the one week of the month that the $Piggy Bank$ is empty so there's nothing I could do anyway...then depression.....Depression....I feel like I'm worthless, I feel like I'm nothing, I feel like these feelings will never leave, I can't even think of a reason to get up though they are out there, I can't even think of what is out there, I can't even think PERIOD, rather I can't COMPLETE a thought. So I stay in bed, I go to bed and stay there, I only ever take my meds as rx'd, and I take what I can to help, but I still don't feel like me, like I feel, and I don't think the dark fuzzies around my edges which are creeping in will leave, and yes there are times I think my family would be better off without me, though I don't necessarily answer that on medical questionnaires, I've seriously considered what I'd do & how they'd benefit.....then I remember I'm a cradle-Catholic and that suicide is a direct ticket to Hell for ETERNITY...so I stick with the depression knowing it won't last for ETERNITY...Then one day, I'll have to get up and go somewhere and eventually I realize the sun is shining (I'm in AZ so that's not a toughie!), and I realize that it's not so scary out there, and that I was able to shower and dress and leave the house and the world didn't cave in on me, someone will smile at me, someone will hug me, someone will care, and just accept me (esp my Mom, she's always good for me), and I'll find the dark fuzzies are gone and the fog is lifted to above my head. Oh it's still there, but damnit I happen to enjoy something and I won't let it get me again....until next time.Wow, I never tried to put this into words before. I'm gonna copy & post on my diary Living with FMS...Thanks Susan for increasing awareness of depression for all of us.Hugs & Blessings, Judy
Posted by: Judy in AZ at November 2, 2004 9:58 AM
Depression is like if your mind is being strangled and you have only little of life energy left in you. Everything gets darker, looses smell and taste. All your senses are turned down and it hurts quietly 'inside'. You just cannot do the stuff you must do and that makes you feel so guilty that is hurts the all of you and you try to do somethings and that drains you even more. It is like if a vampire is sucking out your minds 'fluids' and you cannot fight to free self. All around is thick and heavy and there is no hope and there is terrible loneliness and the heaviness is kind of bending your mind and body and face down, and pressing your eyelids down and an attempt to smile hurts and the light in a windows hurts and there are no sounds. It feels like you are in dimm darkish thick fluid in very deep well beyond any hope of getting ever out of it.
Posted by: Juliusz at March 3, 2007 8:41 AM
