Handcuffed to the Roller Coaster > March 2005 Archives

March 21, 2005

Just a Little Unwell: WARNING! SELF-INJURY TOPIC

Had a bad couple of weeks, that got me thinking about what we do to ourselves when we're feeling down. Half this disease is feeling bad, and when I feel bad, I tend to do bad things to myself.

WARNING: I'LL BE TALKING ABOUT SELF INJURY. IF THIS IS A BAD TOPIC FOR YOU, STOP READING NOW.

So, I wasn't feeling very good. I was, in fact, feeling kind of disassociated from myself. I had this weird interlude at work, where I got off the elevator and couldn't remember where I was or why I was there. It only lasted a second, but it was scary, nonetheless. When I get these disassociated feelings, they always go hand in hand with needing to cut myself. This time, I held it off for two days, but the need got too strong. I never cut deep, just enough to hurt and see blood. What made this time unusual was that I did it at work. (I ruined two work shirts, getting lots of blood on the sleeves)

I've known a lot of bipolars who self-injure. Usually, it happens during what's called "mixed" states. The best way to describe these states is feeling depressed and anxious at the same time. You feel nervous and hopeless and manic and suicidal all at once. Nerves sing like high-tension wires. Any release is a welcome release, and cutting is such a release.

If you do self injure, don't feel all alone. Nothing is as isolating as being a self-cutter, but there are websites that provide forums for those of us who have this secret shame, and will talk to you and hold your imaginary hand while you go through the despair. And they won't judge you while you do it. You can even search them through Google.

As a self-injurer, let me close by saying this: Don't be afraid to tell someone. Even the embarassment of telling someone isn't as bad as suffering alone. I was shocked and surprised when I finally told my mom, and she didn't have a fit or get upset. She asked a few questions, then told me she would pay for me to see a therapist, which I havent' been doing. It was nowhere near as bad as I thought. Tell someone, even if it's online. Don't suffer alone.

Posted by Susan at 2:43 PM | Comments (0)

March 10, 2005

Don't Get Tired

I had quite the misadventure a week or so ago. I ran into a nice little mixed state, nearly quit my job, nearly dropped out of school, and in short almost screwed up my life quite royally. A good mixed state will do that to you. Not surprisingly, it came on the heels of a small hypomanic episode wherein I wasn't sleeping as much as I should--that, of course, should have been an instant tip off.

If you're bipolar, not sleeping is a deadly symptom. It's always a sign you're manic or hypomanic, and that always means you're going to crash. It may seem wonderful at the time--who doesn't need more hours in the day to finish projects, clean the bathroom, pet the cat, etc? But who needs the crash afterward? It's never worth it.

If you find you're not sleeping, get yourself to the doctor. It's time for a med adjustment. I didn't do that, to my near-regret. I only saved myself through a brief, blinding moment of sanity that made me back out of the job interview I had that would have given me a worse, lower-paying job than the job I have now. God moves in mysterious ways, as does this disease. You have to learn to listen.

I drink way too much caffeine. That's probably part of the trouble. I also work swing shift, which means here I am at 2 in the morning, when normal people are abed, busily typing away. I make up for it by sleeping 10 hours anyway, from about 4 to 2 p.m. It's not the best sleep pattern, but it's one I maintain, so at least I'm regular. Besides getting enough sleep, us bipolars need regularity.

So, get to bed, get enough rest, stay regular. Sounds easy, doesn't it? Then why's it always so hard?

Posted by Susan at 1:39 AM | Comments (0)