Main » October 2004
October 24, 2004
i'm such a selfish, horrible person
I am such a horrible person. I just read about the young woman who had a diary here who passed away. She was the same age as me and probably would have given anything to stay alive. And I'm sitting here wanting to give anything to just die. Why did she die and I'm still here? I hate myself and feel so guilty for wanting to die. I wish I didn't want to die, but I do. I want so badly to take her place. I want to give her back to her family. No one would care if I wasn't here anymore. I feel so selfish for sitting here wanting to die when this young woman would probably give anything to still be here. I hate myself and the way I think and feel. I feel so trapped in a cage of unending depression, unbearable pain and sadness, excruciating lonliness, fear and heart ache. A cage that has no door. Therefore there is absolutely no way out. I feel like there will never be a way out. I am in this cage and I will remain in it until I die. If you were trapped in a cage like this and knew there was no way out until you just died, wouldn't you want to die too?
October 23, 2004
i don't think i'll ever be happy
I'm just not sure that I'm capable of being happy. It's my own fault. There has to be something seriously wrong me.
I had to go to a fundraiser dinner for my school tonight. It's a huge affair. Pretty much like a wedding. 400+ people. After awards are given out and speeches are made, it's usually a fun evening - for everyone but me. I just don't know how to have fun. I have gone to this event in the past and I have had a good time when I was drinking. Without drinking I just cannot enjoy myself. There is something seriously wrong with that. Everyone was dancing tonight. They were having such a great time. I wanted so badly to just drink so I could have a good time. But I haven't had a drink in 1 year and 4 months. At this point, I'm not even sure why I have stopped drinking. All I know is usually when I start drinking, I can't stop. It got me into some trouble in the past so I have tried my hardest to just stay away from it. But tonight was one of those nights that I wish I could have drank so I would have loosened up and been able to have fun like everyone else. Instead, I just sat there at the table while everyone else had a great time. Everyone else with their husbands or boyfriends. Everyone else whose life is moving in a meaningful direction. Everyone else who knows how to be happy and enjoy life. I finally just got up and left. Why can't I just be able to dance and laugh and have fun like everyone else? I feel so depressed. So hopeless. Driving home I just wanted to drive my car off the bridge. I don't want to live like this anymore. But everything I have tried hasn't worked. Medications haven't worked. I've been in therapy forever. It seems like individual therapy and groups are all I ever do. Yet, I'm still so unhappy. I still feel so hopeless. I think I am just one of those people who is meant to be like this their whole life. Except, I don't want to live like this much longer. I'd rather put myself out of my own misery as early as possible. I just can't be like this anymore.
October 17, 2004
I can't get everything done. The amount of paperwork that I have to do for school is completely overwhelming me. I have progress reports due tomorrow for 30 kids and I haven't started them. I still have a huge pile of papers to grade before I can even do the progress reports. I still have to do my plan book, write two letters to parents, write up an evaluation for a child and plan out a unit on the election that I need to start this Wednesday. It's 9:40 on Sunday night. It all has to be done by tomorrow morning. I just can't focus enough to get it done.
I've been feeling so sad and lonely and abandoned. I just want to be able to curl up on Donna's couch and have her hold me. I want to pretend that the rest of the world and all my responsibilities don't exist. A bunch of the littles are so close. I can't switch now. I can't. I have too much to do. That has been the problem all weekend. I haven't been present much of the time and nothing I had to do for school got done.
I feel so overwhelmed. I can't do this anymore. It seems like the teacher doesn't show up unless the children in my class are there. She is never around at night or on weekends so that I can get work done. So I am left to do all this work but I can't focus. I can't handle all this school stuff right now. Not with everyone else inside feeling the way they are. I don't know what to do.
My head hurts so much. I just want to go to bed and hide. I'm never going to get it all done. I don't know what to do.
Posted by Butterflyteam at 9:45 PM
October 9, 2004
blah and confused.....
I've been feeling so.......blah. Depressed. Unmotivated. I could spend hours laying in bed staring at the wall. It wouldn't phase me. I feel like I don't care about anything. I have been having a lot of images of Tara and I guess this is my way of trying to avoid it. Maybe that's it........or maybe not. I don't know.
I'm having a hard time judging reality. They're not really flashbacks but something like it, I guess. I will be so convinced that it is the year 1981 and I am 6 years old. I'm scared and alone and hurt. Then I'll "come to" and all of a sudden realize that what I was just "experiencing" wasn't really happening now. It was many years ago. And I'll be so confused because it was so real. I would have bet anything that I was really 6 years old. And then before I know it, I'm back there and convinced of it all over again until I snap out of it again. And this has been happening over and over again. I almost prefer full blown flashbacks because at least when they are over, thery're over. I'm back to "now". With these other "whatever they're called", it's a constant back and forth and it's leaves me so disoriented.
I wish I could see Donna right now. I just wish I could be with someone who makes me feel safe.
Posted by Butterflyteam at 5:57 PM
October 5, 2004
an overwhelming time of year.........
I haven't written in a while. I've been struggling. It's always hard for me this time of the year. For so long I never really knew why I would fall apart every October. But as more and more pieces of the puzzle come together, it's amazing how many traumatic things have happened at this time of year. All it takes is the weather getting a little cooler and that starts a chain of triggers. And then there are the anniversary dates. Just so many of them from the end of September through the beginning of November. It justs seems like more and more get added to the list as the years go on - all during these months. Tomorrow is the first anniversary of the death of a student from my school. His younger sister is in my class this year. Tomorrow will be a hard day.
It's cold tonight. Very Fall-like. I keep seeing flashes of colored leaves in my mind. Even though the leaves haven't really begun to change colors yet, I think I know where these images in my head are coming from. I think it means Jane is close. The few flashbacks that I have had from the abortion (a result of a rape from ***** when I was 13) there were leaves on the ground. I don't know the exact date of the abortion. I assume Jane does but she has not revealed it. I just know it occurred in the Fall. Most likely October - possibly early November. This was a very hard period of time last year. This year, some new things have been added. There is a great fear of Halloween. I can't stand the decorations I am starting to see everywhere. The cooler weather associated with this time of year brings so much fear. Yet, I'm not sure exactly what of. That's the hardest part. I have so much fear but no specific memories. I know someone inside does. I think they shared it with Donna. But she hasn't told me and I don't have coconsciousness with this alter. So I'm left with the feelings of fear, terror, anxiety and I'm not even sure why. It's so hard. I just wish I could crawl into bed and not come out until this whole season passes.
Posted by Butterflyteam at 6:01 PM