October 23, 2004
i don't think i'll ever be happy
I'm just not sure that I'm capable of being happy. It's my own fault. There has to be something seriously wrong me.
I had to go to a fundraiser dinner for my school tonight. It's a huge affair. Pretty much like a wedding. 400+ people. After awards are given out and speeches are made, it's usually a fun evening - for everyone but me. I just don't know how to have fun. I have gone to this event in the past and I have had a good time when I was drinking. Without drinking I just cannot enjoy myself. There is something seriously wrong with that. Everyone was dancing tonight. They were having such a great time. I wanted so badly to just drink so I could have a good time. But I haven't had a drink in 1 year and 4 months. At this point, I'm not even sure why I have stopped drinking. All I know is usually when I start drinking, I can't stop. It got me into some trouble in the past so I have tried my hardest to just stay away from it. But tonight was one of those nights that I wish I could have drank so I would have loosened up and been able to have fun like everyone else. Instead, I just sat there at the table while everyone else had a great time. Everyone else with their husbands or boyfriends. Everyone else whose life is moving in a meaningful direction. Everyone else who knows how to be happy and enjoy life. I finally just got up and left. Why can't I just be able to dance and laugh and have fun like everyone else? I feel so depressed. So hopeless. Driving home I just wanted to drive my car off the bridge. I don't want to live like this anymore. But everything I have tried hasn't worked. Medications haven't worked. I've been in therapy forever. It seems like individual therapy and groups are all I ever do. Yet, I'm still so unhappy. I still feel so hopeless. I think I am just one of those people who is meant to be like this their whole life. Except, I don't want to live like this much longer. I'd rather put myself out of my own misery as early as possible. I just can't be like this anymore.
Posted by Butterflyteam on October 23, 2004 11:56 PM
i get it all. I want to die every day all day. I am in a state of non existence. I am unable to accomplish anything but sleep and other than that people don't know how much pain my mind is in and my body is limp. I go to work everyday and stare at the walls hoping to die. I wish I could just die.
Posted by: linda at April 3, 2007 8:09 AM