Main » January 2005
January 26, 2005
today was a crappy day at work. the kids were ok, but this other teacher really annoyed me. it's not really important. i'm feeling depressed. i feel like i don't really care about anything. i could sit here and just stare at the wall all night. i wish i could crawl into bed and never come out.
Posted by Butterflyteam at 5:07 PM
January 24, 2005
2 hours. i exercised for 2 straight hours. mainly running on the treadmill and then some other exercises. i was exhausted but i had to keep going. it was punishment for screwing things up and not going to see donna. so i decided i must punish myself for the 2 hours that i would have been in the group with donna. it was just somrthing that had to be done
This is JP. I needed to stop her from writing anymore. She doesn't really understand all that is going on. Tomorrow is a full moon. She doesn't understand all of what that represents. I think she will need to soon. However, some of us inside definitely know what this time of the month represents and what will happen. She fell apart last month right before the full moon. And it has happened again this month. I wish Donna would have some insight into these things and anticipate them and help her through them.
today just absolutely sucks. my head is killing me. i can't stop crying. i screwed things up with donna and now i'm not seeing her today. my fault. i can't do anything right. i can't get a grip on my emotions. everything seems so out of control. i really want to cut so i can escape the feelings for a little while. i don't know how much longer i can avoid not cutting. i feel like no one understands what i'm going through. but even if they do understand, that doesn't seem like it's enough. i need someone to help me. i need someone to take away the pain. and i guess the problem is that no one can take away the pain and i'm the only one who can help myself. therefore, i feel trapped because i feel like i don't know how to help myself and the pain is too great. i hate this. i hate this. i hate this.
Posted by Butterflyteam at 10:42 AM
in the way....
i feel so in the way. i feel like all i do is inconvenience people and bother them. everyone would be so better off without me around. i can never do anything right or say anythign right. i hate everything about me.
Posted by Butterflyteam at 8:29 AM
January 23, 2005
When I emailed Donna and told her that I had a hard night and a hard day, she asked me what I meant by "hard". This was my response:
"Hard" means that the anxiety and panic doesn't seem to loosen it's grip at all. It means that my thoughts and feelings are conflicting each other. My head is in the present but my feelings are in the past. Also, the feelings are those of many alters all at once. Usually one or two of them is up front but today I seemed to be feeling it from many of them - Stephanie, Jane, Abby, Tara, Samantha. I have made attempts to do things but I can't stick with anything for more than a few minutes. The panic intensifies and I can't stay focused. At that point I seem to find myself curled up in a ball holding stuffed animals, rocking back and forth and feeling scared.
I think what makes it hardest is that I am the one staying present and feeling everything. It's almost easier to just switch and let them feel it because then when I come back, I'm not attached to the feelings. I'm not sure why I really haven't switched. They all seem to be there, but no one seems to come all the way foward.
i was so afraid to go to bed last night. i was feeling so scared. i eventually fell asleep for a little while but i had very vivid, unsettling dreams. i'm trying to remember what they were about but i can't. i finally just got up out of bed the last time i woke up because i started to panic. my hands are shaking right now and my heart is racing. i just feel so panicky and i don't know why. i don't want to feel like this all day. i don't have a ton of options to distract myself today because we have a foot and half of snow outside and the streets haven't been plowed yet so i can't go out anywhere. i just want the panic to go away.
Posted by Butterflyteam at 12:05 PM
January 22, 2005
Feeling unheard or misunderstood is a huge trigger for me. These feelings have been very present lately, yet there is another level to them. I have felt very disconnected from Donna. I've been trying desperately to find a way to feel connected to her and so much is getting in the way. The other day she said to me that she felt like she couldn't reach me. That's how I have been feeling about her. I feel like I have so much I need to tell her but I don't know what or I don't know how. I feel frustrated. And when I can't figure out what I need to say, I feel unheard and all alone. I know it's stupid to feel unheard when I haven't even said anything, but I think that's the issue. I remember always desperately needing someone to know without me having to say it. I wished that someone could just look at me and figure out what was going on, knowing I could never say anything about it. I think maybe there are things that I just desperately need Donna to know without me having to tell her. While growing up there were a few times people asked me what was wrong and I could only respond "nothing" - while I was screaming on the inside -please see it without me having to say it. Please.
I told Donna some of this and she said that she would make an effort to "see it without me having to say it." Today I was with her for a long time at a workshop and everything just went all wrong. It was a workshop that was supposed to be about body issues which is something I desperately need to work on. Stephanie was even willing to do some work with this. I think she really wanted a place to say how she felt about the body she has to live in. She was expecting to do this today (whether she came out and said it herself or she would get her feelings out through me). But this didn't happen. Samantha got triggered by something and Donna felt it was better to process that. I told her Stephanie was upset but she said sometimes other things take priority. I can understand that. Really I can. But, this is where the feeling unheard piece becomes a huge trigger. I think Donna thought that Stephanie was upset because she didn't get to do what she planned. That she needed it to go perfectly. Yes, that's true. But it's so much more than that. Expecting something to be one way and then have it go in a completely different direction is unbelievably triggering for all of us. It's so much more than just needing things to go prefectly. It's the unexpected. It just sets us all off, even if the unexpected thing isn't necessarily harmful to us. It is still something that wasn't expected. The only experience we have known is that the unexpected leads to something very bad.
I feel like Donna thinks I'm angry with her. I'm not. At one point in the workshop, after all this happened, she checked in with me and I said I was fine. I know she knew that I wasn't fine but by her reaction I felt she thought I was just angry. And I wasn't. I desperately needed her to see what I wasn't saying. And I know this is such an unreasonable request. How can I expect someone to always see what I am trying to say without actually saying it? That's not very fair of me. But why is it so important to me?
UGH! This is so frustrating. Everyone inside is just screaming "WILL SOMEBODY JUST FUCKING SEE WHAT IS GOING ON?????!!!!! WE DON'T HAVE WORDS TO EXPRESS IT. WE CAN'T EXPRESS IT. WE'RE NOT ALLOWED. BUT PLEASE. PLEASE JUST SEE IT!!!"
And as I sit here and write all this the feelings of being unheard are just growing ang growing. I don't want to have to write all of this and explain. I just need people to know without me having to say it. I suppose this is why I have had an excruciating headache for the past 5 hours. Somebody probably pounding me on the head trying to get me to see how unreasonable I am being......
Posted by Butterflyteam at 4:21 PM
January 19, 2005
I went away for a few days. I went to Florida. I got back last night. I've been struggling a little. I really miss Sandy. It was helpful to be out of the house for a few days. It's so hard to be here and not have her here too. I keep forgetting that she's not here anymore. Isn't that horrible of me? I'll think to myself - where's Sandy or I'll go look for her and then it hits me. I remember that no matter where I look, I won't find her. While I was away, I kept thinking that I didn't want to come back. I just wanted to disappear and not be heard of ever again. That way no one would expect anything from me or want anything from me. I had a new memory while I was gone. A bad one. I was triggered by the hotel room. I just keep wondering - when do the memories stop? How much more can there possibly be? *Sigh*
January 8, 2005
Last night I had to put my dog, Sandy to sleep. She was old. It was time. I am so very sad. She was with me for over half my life (15 1/2 years). It's been such a long time that I don't even remember what it was like without her. I'm not sure what I will do without her. They let me stay with her until she was gone. I sat on the floor with her and held her while they gave her the shot. I kissed her and I hugged her and I told her how much I loved her and then she was gone. I'm glad she didn't have to die alone.
Some of the feelings and thoughts I'm having now are triggering some old stuff. I hate that everything is always connected to the old bad stuff. Why can't I just feel sad and miss my dog? Why does there have to be a ton of other stuff on top of that? When I brought Sandy last night I kept thinking - she has no idea where we are going or what is going to happen to her. She trusts me to take care of her and I am betraying her (even though I know I really didn't betray her - at this point, I was doing something to help her). It has brought up old feelings of going with or being with people I trusted and being so betrayed and hurt by them. These feelings are so hard to deal with. I'm not sure how to handle this.
I miss her so much. It's so quiet here. I keep looking for her. I feel so sad and so alone.
January 1, 2005
Jane (13 year old) is very present right now. We were watching a movie about a 14 year old who was bulimic. But this isn't really about our eating disorders. And it's not about the abortion (which is usually the issue with Jane). It's something different. I'm not really sure what it's all about, but this movie has really stirred things up with Jane. I think she was paying very close attention to the relationship between the mother and daughter in the movie. I heard Jane saying that she just really wants someone to notice her. I'm remembering age 13. Whether it was Jane or me, I'm not really sure. If it was Jane, she is starting to share the feelings with me and I am certainly feeling them myself right now. The overwhelming feeling is one of lonliness......heart-breaking, agonizing loneliness.....the SCREAMING inside of us for someone, anyone to just notice us. It's such a confusing age. We felt so terribly lost and afraid. Why did no one ever notice the pain we were in? That agonizing time period of still feeling so little but also wanting to be grown up. It hurts so much. In the movie, the daughter was laying in bed and the mother was just laying with her and they were just talking. Why didn't my mother ever do that? Why did my mother want nothing to do with me? Why was it so hard for me to ever tell my mother anything? If I had a different mother, would I have been able to tell her the first time M or D did anything to me? Would I have been spared years of pain and torture? Would it have never happened in the first place? I am such a horrible person for even saying this. My mother loves me. I know she does. But I needed something more or something different than she was able to give me. Am I bad for needing something more or different? Is it my fault?
Posted by Butterflyteam at 11:26 PM