Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
January 23, 2005
"hard" day
When I emailed Donna and told her that I had a hard night and a hard day, she asked me what I meant by "hard". This was my response:
"Hard" means that the anxiety and panic doesn't seem to loosen it's grip at all. It means that my thoughts and feelings are conflicting each other. My head is in the present but my feelings are in the past. Also, the feelings are those of many alters all at once. Usually one or two of them is up front but today I seemed to be feeling it from many of them - Stephanie, Jane, Abby, Tara, Samantha. I have made attempts to do things but I can't stick with anything for more than a few minutes. The panic intensifies and I can't stay focused. At that point I seem to find myself curled up in a ball holding stuffed animals, rocking back and forth and feeling scared.
I think what makes it hardest is that I am the one staying present and feeling everything. It's almost easier to just switch and let them feel it because then when I come back, I'm not attached to the feelings. I'm not sure why I really haven't switched. They all seem to be there, but no one seems to come all the way foward.
Posted by Butterflyteam on January 23, 2005 06:13 PM
Oh boy, can I ever understand this one. First, I'm so sorry you've had such a rough time. Second, I'm glad you e-mailed Donna to let her know what was going on (way to go on taking care of yourself a little bit), and good job trying to explain to her what was going on. Third, I SOO understand what you mean--- it'd just be so much easier if someone else would come out and take over completely so you didn't have to sit here and take it all. I have the same experience myself a lot of times. Do you supposed there's anything you might supposed to be learning from this experience right now? I mean, maybe you are actually getting strong enough so that you are finally ABLE to handle all of this anxiety without switching? I have seen a lot of strength in you in the past few months. I see you getting stronger, even if you can't see it in yourself.
Posted by: Pilgrim at January 23, 2005 06:22 PM
