January 01, 2005
Jane (13 year old) is very present right now. We were watching a movie about a 14 year old who was bulimic. But this isn't really about our eating disorders. And it's not about the abortion (which is usually the issue with Jane). It's something different. I'm not really sure what it's all about, but this movie has really stirred things up with Jane. I think she was paying very close attention to the relationship between the mother and daughter in the movie. I heard Jane saying that she just really wants someone to notice her. I'm remembering age 13. Whether it was Jane or me, I'm not really sure. If it was Jane, she is starting to share the feelings with me and I am certainly feeling them myself right now. The overwhelming feeling is one of lonliness......heart-breaking, agonizing loneliness.....the SCREAMING inside of us for someone, anyone to just notice us. It's such a confusing age. We felt so terribly lost and afraid. Why did no one ever notice the pain we were in? That agonizing time period of still feeling so little but also wanting to be grown up. It hurts so much. In the movie, the daughter was laying in bed and the mother was just laying with her and they were just talking. Why didn't my mother ever do that? Why did my mother want nothing to do with me? Why was it so hard for me to ever tell my mother anything? If I had a different mother, would I have been able to tell her the first time M or D did anything to me? Would I have been spared years of pain and torture? Would it have never happened in the first place? I am such a horrible person for even saying this. My mother loves me. I know she does. But I needed something more or something different than she was able to give me. Am I bad for needing something more or different? Is it my fault?
Posted by Butterflyteam on January 1, 2005 11:26 PM