Main » March 2005
March 30, 2005
my mind had an interesting day....
i woke up very present this morning. it felt so good for a change. i went out to lunch and went shopping with my sister and niece. i went to the gym. i ran some errands and cleaned up around my apartment. i felt like such a normal adult. it was so good. but then....
late afternoon, early evening i started to feel the shift take place. i started to lose the clarity. i had spent a good part of yesterday and most of today in the front. i could feel myself in the front of my mind. and then i felt myself start to slip back. it happened slowly. it's like i can see myself in my mind. all day i was in the front and then i could see myself slipping further and further backwards. usually i can see who else might be around, who might be closer to the front. i can't right now. i'm not sure if anyone is in front of me. all i know is that i am way in the back. i feel far away. i've felt like this before so i'm not sure why it's bothering me so much. maybe because it was just so nice to feel normal for a change. it was so clear. it was right there. and i want it back. why can't it ever last? i hate this far away feeling. i would rather just switch. i know dissociation saved my life but i don't need it anymore. why can't i just stay present?
March 29, 2005
I haven't written in a while. There's been a lot going on. For a while I thought I might be going inpatient. This past weekend was Easter and next weekend is my birthday. Some alters have been making it known that these two events have been extremely dangerous for us in the past. Donna wanted us to go back to the hospital in Florida to make sure we were safe. I wasn't thrilled with the idea but was willing to go. But it didn't work out with my insurance so we had to come up with another plan. I survived Easter, however it wasn't easy. Kritsy (3 year old) had a very hard time, especially on Good Friday. I have a plan in place to get through my birthday. I'm actually looking forward to it. My birthday is on Saturday. I will see Donna for a session in the late afternoon and then we are going to meet some other women from support groups that Donna runs at a show put on by survivors for rape and incest awareness. Then we are all going out to dinner (even Donna). I will probably stay in the city overnight and then Donna is doing a workshop all day Sunday to process things that may have come up from watching the show. I will be with Donna for the majority of the day on Saturday and Sunday so that will be very helpful. My mother gave me grief about not being available on my birthday to be with "the family", however, I'm happy with my choice on how to spend my birthday. I will see my family for my "birthday dinner" on Friday.
I've been on vacation from school which has been nice. I've been able to relax and do some cleaning around my apartment. The best thing is not having to be in that perfect, sociable mood if I don't feel up to it.
I'm working on a lot in therapy. A lot of new memories have surfaced and I'm also beginning to take an active role in working on my aftercare book from the hospital in Florida. I'll explain more later. I'm getting tired and think I'll try to get some sleep. Sleeping has been an issue again - an issue in the fact that I can't sleep! I'm so exhausted all the time. I think it would make such a difference if I could sleep at night. And I mean good sleep, several solid hours without waking up. *sigh* I wonder if that will ever happen.
March 11, 2005
too many voices all at once
feeling very overwhelmed and out of control. i feel so much inside right now but can't seem to get a handle on any of it. i feel like i'm being taken over and being controlled by everyone inside. when that happens, i feel disconnected from everything else. and then feeling disconnected leads to not feeling safe. i'm such a mess right now. i need my head to just be quiet. i need to feel in control for just a few minutes. my head hurts so much.
March 7, 2005
not off to a good start today.....
i managed to sleep a few hours last night but i woke up at 5:00am TERRIFIED. i'm not sure why. i don't think i had a bad dream. i have to get ready for work now but i just feel like if i walk outside my door today, i'm going to have a heart attack.
March 5, 2005
can't quite grasp it......
feeling really weird right now. very anxious. feel like i can see safety but it's right beyond my reach. i keep trying and trying but no matter what i do, i can't quite grasp it. i can't reach safety. i see it and i can't get to it. why can't i get it? why?
i feel like my head is in a vise and it is being turned tighter and tighter. my head is being squeezed so tight. the pressure hurts so much.
March 1, 2005
what's been going on....
I feel like I need to write about something but I don't know what. I feel like so much is going on inside but it doesn't seem clear. It's like a million things swirling around inside and they go faster and faster and faster and suddenly all of the images are too fuzzy to make out what they are. They are there, I just can't tell what they are.
The past several days I have been hearing in my head over and over again "I just wanna die. I just wanna die." At first I thought they were my thoughts but now I think they belong to someone else inside because there are some moments when I don't hear them. When it is me feeling that way, it's usually constant and I can't escape the feelings connected to them. But with this, they seem to come and go, which I assume depends on how close whoever it is they belong to is. I'm just not sure who it is. Since I can't tell who it is, I'm wondering if it's an alter I don't have co-consciousness with. So it might be either Chloe, Cloud Girl or Samantha. I don't think it's JP.
Tara has been close lately. She hadn't been around for a while. But ever since I saw a talk show a week or two ago about a brother abusing his little sister, Tara has been close and has been feeling a lot. Around this same time something happened with Abby and I don't know what. But ever since then, Abby has been gone. I haven't seen her or heard her. I'm scared that maybe she left the dome. Or maybe she is just hiding somewhere in the dome where I can't see, but that's not like her. I don't know what happened.