Main » May 2005
May 19, 2005
holding it all in......
As you can see, I have not written since my birthday which was over a month and half ago. I have been struggling. My birthday set off a lot of triggers and many new memories. It has been very difficult. There has been so much going on inside of me...so much that I don't even think I was able to verbalize it and have it make sense. I think it might help if I started to write about at least some of it. Even if it doesn't end up making sense, at least it might help to just get some of it out of my head.
I desribed an image to Donna the other day about how I have been feeling the past month and a half. I said that I had an image of a carnival ride in my head. Some type of ride that spins and goes very, very fast. I saw that I had been thrown out of my seat and as this ride continued to spin uncontrollably fast, I felt myself holding on by a finger while my body got dangled and flung about from the side of the ride. I knew that I would not be able to return to a seated position with a seat belt until the ride came to a stop, but in order to make sure that I didn't get thrown off completely, I needed to somehow get a firmer grip with at least one hand. I knew the ride would continue to be scary and feel unsafe when holding on with one hand but that's the best I could do. One hand was better than one finger. So how do I get a grip with at least one hand?
This past month and a half, I have been spinning out of control. I'm desperately searching for something to help me get more grounded, more in control, more stable... I have to stop holding it all in.