Main » July 2005
July 11, 2005
i want to make her love me so she'll keep me forever...
I read a line tonight in the novel I'm currently reading that said - "I wanted to make her love me so she would keep me forever." I cried when I read it. Donna just emailed me and I needed so badly for her to write something to help me know that she loved me. I couldn't find anything. I'm sure there was something, not to mention simply the fact that she cared enough to even write at all, but I couldn't find it. I have too much doubt. She constantly does things to show me she cares and all I do is doubt it all. I hate that I do that. I desperately need to know that she loves me because that way I'll know whether or not she'll abandon me. I want to make Donna love me so she'll keep me forever.
July 9, 2005
Too Much Loss....
Yesterday, my sister in law's mother died. She just turned 52 years old 2 weeks ago. She fought cancer for many years but this last time that it came back, it was just too much. This loss comes only a week after a second grade student from my school was killed by a drunk driver. I also found out this week that a friend of mine's mother in law just found out she has very advantaged staged cancer that can't be treated. The doctors didn't give her much time. There seems to be an awful lot of loss present and it's sending me into a tailspin. I spent 3 hours with Donna today and I feel like I wasn't even there. I hate when that happens. All week long I had desperatley needed to see her. I needed something from her. What I exactly needed, I'm not sure. But I know it was something. I was so hoping to get what I needed when I was with her today but instead I find myself sitting here, not being able to stop crying, and just needing to be back in her office with her. I just don't know what to do with myself lately. All of this painful loss has triggered things I guess. Things that I maybe don't fully understand. I don't know. I just feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into a depression and not wanting to do this anymore.
July 8, 2005
New York City Marathon
I found out a few weeks ago that I got into the New York City Marathon! Unless you are an elite runner (which I am SO not!), people chosen for the marathon are picked randomly through a lottery. Over 85,000 people applied and my name was picked!
I'm excited because this is something I have always wanted to do but now that it is actually happening, I am very nervous. The longest I have ever run is a half marathon. I've done that twice. But now I have to do some serious training over the next 4 months. The marathon is November 6th. I'm nervous because it's really going to be a test for me to keep my eating disorder behaviors in check. I need to be strong and healthy in order to do this. I can't be playing around with not eating and not taking care of myself. I have talked about this with a few people and they really feel this will help me with my eating disorder. Someone else I spoke with who is not an active runner but trained to do the marathon once just to feel the accomplishment of doing it said that the experience changed her life. Her confidence increased so much after setting the goal to train for something difficult and then actually accomplishing it. I am SOOO hoping that is what happens for me. I could really use a true boost in my self confidence. I think it would help me in so many areas in my life.
Of course my abuser values are trying to rear their ugly head telling me that I'll never be able to do this. Some days I think that I will never be able to do this. Other days, I think it might be possible. I'm trying to take it one day at a time - one run at a time. The training is going.......slowly. But it's happening. I'm having some problems due to the fact that I have such flat feet. I'm doing a lot more training on the treadmill than outside because it's so much easier on my ankles and feet. But the thought of doing a 20 mile training run all on a treadmill makes me insane. But I have quite some time before I'd have to worry about that. I had a good run this morning on the treadmill and then did some weight training at the gym. Tomorrow I'm doing a 5K women's run outdoors. That will be harder on my feet, but I should be able to get through it. I just wish I wasn't so impatient! I want to be able to run all 26 miles right now!
Posted by Butterflyteam at 7:39 PM