Main » September 2005
September 25, 2005
I should be out running right now. Or I should be wrapping my niece's birthday presents because I will be leaving for her party in a little while. Or I should be doing my plan book or grading papers for school. Or I should be cleaning my apartment since you can barely walk through it. But instead....I'm sitting here trying to sort through the thoughts in my head. Thoughts that are so jumbled and and mixed up that they don't make any sense to me at all. I've become so frustrated with trying to sort them out so I thought maybe if I wrote for a little while, something would begin to make sense.
First off, I can't believe I haven't written here in so long. I always have intentions to come here and write but I never seem to follow through. Things have been much busier for me lately. Training for my first marathon is exciting but it has taken a lot out of me. The marathon is exactly 6 weeks from today. I am beginning to get very nervous. For the past 2 weeks my training has suffered a lot because I have been so exhausted since school has started. The next 2 to 3 weeks will be very important. I will be running a half marathon next Saturday and then the following weekend will be an 18 mile training run in Central Park. I have to keep up my weekly mileage in addition to these long runs which is going to be very hard. I am just so tired being back at school and I don't have much energy left to devote to running. I have to somehow find a way to dig deep into my energy reserves for the next 6 weeks.
Well....apparently I don't want to face the things I've been thinking about because I just allowed myself to get side tracked by running. Something has been going on the last few days with Donna and I've been thinking about how it all started and what exactly it was that I got so upset about and I can't even figure it out. I just feel like something caused everything to spin out of control and I couldn't stop it. I know that Stephanie (16 year old alter) is inside absolutely raging. She is not happy with how things are and has come out swinging in an attempt to protect us. I know she means well and is acting up because she doesn't want us to get hurt but the way she goes about it doesn't really help.
Another thing that is going on is that I incorporated 4 alters who were not previosly in the dome. (The incorporation is a smybolic process that allows me to have more coconsciousness with certain alters.) Anyway, since incorporating these 4 alters, I have been feeling the things that they held onto for all these years. I am overwhelmed by it all and can't seem to make heads or tails out of everything I'm thinking and feeling. I think I'm reacting out of terror and from a very young place. I'm confused and terrified and I know that I'm not operating from a healthy, adult stand point. I think that's partly what contributed to whatever happened with Donna the past few days. And on top of that, Stephaine coming out and attacking didn't help matters.
I'm tired. I'm just so tired. School, running, the beginning of fall, memories, feelings...........I can't keep up with it all. I'm very overwhelmed. I'm not sure how to handle it all.