Main » November 2005
November 29, 2005
lately i'm finding myself with nothing to say. i can't find the words to express how i'm feeling or what i'm thinking. it's hard to believe this is possible, but it makes me feel even more alone than i normally do.
Posted by Butterflyteam at 6:19 PM
November 12, 2005
I have been doing so well with sleeping the past few months that I think I almost forgot what it's like to not be able to sleep. I'm being reminded of it tonight though. I'm thinking all that marathon training caused me to be really tired and helped me fall asleep much easier. But tonight is just like those old days when no matter how tired I was or what I tried to do, I just couldn't sleep. I'm feeling very anxious and just kind of weird. I really can't describe it. I just don't feel like myself at all. I feel disoriented. I feel like my head is spinning and there's a million things going on all around my head and I'm stuck right in the middle of it all. I wish I could just sleep.
Posted by Butterflyteam at 10:08 PM
November 11, 2005
I DID IT!!!
Well, I did it! I finished the New York City Marathon! It was such a great experience. It was very, very hard but it was also so exciting. It's almost a week later now and I still really can't believe I did it. A lot of people ending up coming to seeing me - my parents, sister, brother-in-law, nieces and nephew, some friends and even my principal. Not to mention the millions of strangers who lined the streets of Staten Island, Brooklyn, Queens, the Bronx and Manhattan. The crowds were great and their cheering and encouragement really kept me going. The finish line was the most beautiful site and I cried as I crossed it. This has been a real boost for my self esteem. I lost so much when I was abused my whole childhood and when I crossed that finish line, I feel like I got to take something back -I think what I feel like I took back was a piece of me. It was a very empowering moment.
I was quite sore the past few days but it is finally starting to subside. I'm looking forward to getting back to running. It was so weird to not run all week. I'm going to attempt a light run either tomorrow or Sunday.
November 5, 2005
Well, tomorrow is the big day. I am very, very, very, very nervous....and excited! I hoped I trained enough, although there's nothing I can do about it now.
The last few days have been very emotional for me. When I was talking to my friend Jackie yesterday, I realized how much I really can never escape my childhood traumas no matter how much healing I do. I can certainly make things a lot better but I feel like there will always be this lingering cloud that hangs overhead close by. I realized yesterday how I am just as afraid of succeeding at this as I am of failing at it. I feel most people would think I'm strange for feeling that way. Don't all people want to succeed? Won't they feel great when they do? I'm terrified of it. I don't know what it will mean for me. It's just something I'm struggling with.
I've also had a ton of anxiety lately which I was able to identify earlier today. I have been freaking out because of the anticipation of something. This time the something (the marathon) isn't such a bad thing but I think my body recognizes just the feelings of the anticipation of something which usually turned out to be something bad. Donna pointed out that I was programmed to know when I was feeling anxious that something bad was coming. That was true then but it isn't true now. But it's still hard to believe that sometimes.
So......I'm supposed to be doing my best to relax in these last few hours before the race but it's hard. I'm feeling very anxious. I hope I can do this tomorrow.