Main » February 2006
February 28, 2006
this is INSANE!!!!!!!!!!! why won't i just go to bed? what is my problem?!?!?!?!?
i haven't slept much at all the past few nights. i'm so exhausted right now. it's really caught up with me. i have such a bad headache. i want nothing more than to go lay down and fall asleep but i find myself doing stupid stuff and staying up. i'm not sure why. i don't feel like i'm consciously avoiding going to bed.....but i think i am. usually when i don't want to go to sleep, it's accompanied by lots of fear and anxiety. but right now, i don't feel much of that. just....avoiding getting into bed. and i'm not sure why. normally i wouldn't see any reason to question this. but i am so exhausted and my head is pounding so you would think i would want to go to sleep if there wasn't anything i had to stay up and do. hmmm.....
February 27, 2006
new dissociating experiences and Libby
Feeling a little disconnected. And sad. Being back at school today was fine. Saw Donna for an hour session and then stayed for the support group.
Therapy was.....interesting. We ended up talking about things that I didn't really anticipate. I started off by saying that I had a hard day yesterday in anticipation of going back to school today. I went on to describe my expereinces yesterday when I took the laxatives and when I cut. It was different. Stephanie was around earlier in the day with urges to binge. I felt her feelings and heard her thoughts. It was the usual battle of needing to binge but yelling that it's not allowed. I ended up eating - a normal meal, not a binge. I was present for that. The next thing I knew was taking two laxatives and it was as if I was watching myself do it, but I couldn't stop myself. The same thing happened with the cutting. I was watching it but felt like I had no control. It was different from when I am aware that an alter is doing theses things and I have co-consciousness with them because when that happens, I can hear their thoughts and feel their feelings. Yesterday, there was none of that. Just a detachment - watching myself - with no control. At first Donna thought this was progress; a type of co-consciousness. I explained that I saw it the complete opposite way. That I thought co-consciousness was better because with that I sometimes have control and can distract alters or get them to find another way. With what happened yesterday, there was no communication, no control. Donna began to understand what I was explaining.
The other main thing we talked about was Libby - an alter - the 8 year old, good girl. The one who went to school, made sure she was well behaved and did everything right. She has a connection with Kristy, the 3 year old and always helps Kristy. Libby is very responsible. She is not an alter who is around much at all. She is one who spends a lot of time in the background. I don't know a tremendous amount about her. Well today, that changed a bit. I told Donna that she was around recently and earlier today I became aware of something connected to her. It has to do with the whole email situation with Donna. Libby feels we did something wrong and this is our punishment. She has a hard time dealing with the fact that we may have done something wrong. In addition, she has been experiencing this feeling of something good, safe, comforting being just out of her reach. We ended up talking about how, and I'm not even positive about this but just have a feeling, that possibly Libby always had this urge to reach out to someone when we were little and tell them what was happening. That by doing this, she would be doing something good to help. She always wants to help. But somehow it was always out of her reach, or she had chances and couldn't do it, and in turn would feel like she was bad for not helping, possibly feeling guilty. Not really sure though. Donna was very interested in all of this but by this time I was starting to get all spacey. Time was up as well so we didn't really finish. I'm still feeling Libby. She is close by. It's an unusual feeling because I'm just not used to her being so close. It's almost as if it's a new alter because I haven't had much experience with her. I wish we could talk more to Donna right now.
The group was good. I talked about everything that I wrote out here yesterday. I haven't come to any conclusions. Still don't see a way to get past the fear. After I shared and was listening to the other 3 women, I had some thoughts. At first, I felt good, even a little hopeful. I had thoguths of things I wanted to do, nothing major, just usualy daily things. But since I have spend the last few weeks hiding from life, it felt good to just be interesting in doing anything. But the next thing I realized was that I was feeling scared and hopeless which then led to feeling stuck and trapped. No matter what, I can't stick with feeling good. I hate this fear!!!
Posted by Butterflyteam at 7:54 PM
February 26, 2006
i always have a hard time the night before going back to school after being off for any extended period of time. tonight has been no exception. actually the whole day. i've struggled with food. i've taken laxatives. i've cut. now, i can't sleep. ugh.... i hate this so much. there is absolutely nothing to be anxious about returning to work tomorrow. why does this always happen????? i'm so glad i'm seeing donna tomorrow. i wish i could just sit with her right now.
back to the old routine...
I go back to school tomorrow. We've been off this week for winter break. I needed this break. The week didn't start off too well but once I was able to email Donna and work some things out with her and put some other things in place, things started to turn around. I wish I still had more time off though. I wasted a lot of time in the beginning of the week in bed or on the couch watching TV because I was so depressed. But I also need to get back to my old routine. Not only will I be going back to school tomorrow but the rest of my Monday schedule will be going back to normal. For as long as I've been seeing Donna (almost 4 years), I've always had a session with her on Mondays and then I stay for a drop-in group that she has. Mondays have been soooo hard these past few weeks when I wasn't seeing her. So, I'm happy about having a session with her and then staying for the group. Each Monday of the month is a different group. Tomorrow is the support group where it's pretty much open to talk about whatever is going on for you. Donna and I talked about setting an intention and planning out a little how I want to use each group. She suggested I write it out. When I can, I'll write it here on Sundays. If I'm pressed for time I'll have to do it on the train ride on my way into the city on Monday afternoon.
Intention for Support Group on Monday 2/27/2006:
I think I will focus on the fear I've been feeling regarding moving forward. The cycle I'm stuck in of doing what I need to do to feel better and then getting so scared that I revert back to my old ways. How I often choose to stay in the old, familiar place even if it it harmful in ways. I'm used to the depressed feelings. I'm used to the misery. I'm used to feeling fear and anxiety and sadness all the time. All of these things are second nature to me. When I take care of myself, when I do something good for myself, when I am, do I dare say it - happy, it might be manageable for a short time, but I have come to the realization that I get so freaked out by it that I will do anything to revert back to my old ways. All of this became very clear right after the marathon. It was such a great experience and I really got in touch with the fact that I did it all for me. And I enjoyed the natural high it gave me and how it helped my self esteem...but.....then it all came crashing down. I got very depressed after the marathon. I realize now it was fear. I was scared of doing something so huge for myself. I started to listen to all the old voices in my head - who did I think I was to feel good about myself? I keep saying that doing the good things makes me feel so uncomfortable. Donna wants me to change that and say that it's not uncomfortable, but unfamiliar. I guess that makes sense - that if it can become familiar, it could possibly become comfortable. In fact, that's actually one of my positive affirmations from WIIT - "I practice my recovery skills and make them familiar, for me." I'm not sure of the way out of this or how to overcome the fear. I guess for right now it's a good thing I'm aware of it and I just need to keep talking about it.
Posted by Butterflyteam at 5:27 PM
February 25, 2006
new trauma therapy group....
I went to a new therapy group for trauama survivors today. It was......different. The only groups I've done before have been with Donna or while I was inpatient. Well, I've done lots of eating disorder groups and of course there are all the AA meetings I go to, but the only groups I've ever done involving the abuse have been with Donna or while I was at WIIT. It was weird to not have Donna there. I feel safe when I know she is there. And this group was run a little differently than the way Donna does it. Not that the way this group was run was bad, it's just not what I'm used to. I didn't say much. I just didn't feel comfortable enough to. I'm not overly thrilled about it, but I'm willing to go back a few more times before I make any decisions about it. I suppose it has potential if I give it a chance. I don't know. It's hard to find supprt out there for this stuff, at least something that is affordable and safe. This group is free and I know the people running it are safe because Donna knows them and I've been to this other event that is run by them every year - a survivor's art show.
So.....I'm just feeling a little off right now. I feel like I need safety and to me, that means Donna. I have to find something else right now that will help me feel safe. I feel like I want to do something artistic but I'm not sure what. Maybe I'll paint or look through my collage stuff. Or maybe I'll take a ride to the craft store even thought I have tons of stuff here and don't need to buy anything new. I need to do something. I know if I just sit here in front of the TV the fear and anxiety will increase.
February 24, 2006
marathon therapy session.....
Well.....I saw Donna - for 4 hours! My head hurts a lot right now. It was good. Well, the outcome was good but it got pretty hairy at times. At one point Donna said something that I didn't agree with and everyone inside started to react. It was similar to everything that happened the last time. I could hear everyone inisde freaking out, especially Stephanie. She seemed to be the leader of the "revolt against Donna". She was screaming at me - "how could you come back, don't you see she won't change, she is hurting us and rejecting us and abandoning us, get up and walk out, this is never going to work!" I wanted so badly to get up and bolt out of the room like last time. I couldn't believe it was happening all again. But I fought so hard to stay. I was crying so hard by this time telling Donna what I was feeling - that I felt like I needed to just get up and walk out because I didn't see how it was ever going to work but at the same time I knew that was not going to solve anything. I learned that these past 5 weeks. Walking out last time didn't get me anywhere. So, I just forced myself to sit there and work it out with her. It felt horrible for awhile because I had no idea how I was going to do what she was suggesting and especially because I disagreed. But without even realizing it, I found myself fighting for myself or as Donna said - I was really advocating for myself. Long story short, it worked out. Saying I got what I wanted isn't how I want to put it, but I guess that's kind of what happened. It has conditions on it which I was the one to come up with. I really feel this is what I need right now and is something I'm going to push myself to work on. It felt good to advocate for myself. Although I am now of course hearing all the abuser values in my head - who the hell do you think you are saying what you think and asking for what you need!
Anyway, we ended on a good note and I always feel better when I leave a session and things that were up in the air are resolved and I feel connected to Donna. My head is absolutely spinning right now. I'm so exhausted. I should go and try to sleep a little. Tomorrow I'm supposed to start a new trauma support group.
back to therapy....
It's been 5 weeks since I've seen Donna. Until 2 days ago, I had no contact with her this entire time. It has been very difficult. I haven't come here to write about it partly because I've been struggling so much and partly because I really had no idea what to say. I'm still not even sure of everything that happened. I am aware of some things that initially started it, but I honestly can't say how it got this out of hand. It has thrown off many things with everyone inside. There are alters that have left the dome (which means I don't have coconsciousness with them). They didn't feel safe anymore and needed to go back to their old roles in order to protect themselves. I don't blame them. They will most likely come back into the dome when they feel safe enough. I have to work at this. I made the first step the other day when I emailed Donna. I was so afraid of her rejecting me, but she didn't. And in a few hours I will be seeing her again. I'm very scared. We're all very scared. But I'm not even exactly sure what we're scared of. I know there are many things I need to explore that have contributed to what has gone on these past 5 weeks (and actually it goes back almost to the end of November). I will deal with them as they come up but I have decided that I'm not going to sit here and go through everything that has happened with a fine tooth comb and try to analyze it all. What is in the past, I'll leave there. And the issues that I need to deal with, I will as they surface. But I can't tackle it all at once. So, I have chosen to move forward.
I'm so glad to be seeing Donna, but I'm just so scared. And that's very unfamiliar for me because I've never been scared of going to see Donna. She has always been our safe haven. This is one of the times that having DID really stands out for me. It's not really me who is scared. It's several of the alters who feel betrayed, abandoned, and rejected by her. I know she did not do these things to us, but they interpret it this way. So for me to know the truth and be happy to be seeing Donna, but to also be feeling so strongly the fear about seeing her makes it all too real to me the conflicting feelings and thoughts you can experience when you have so many different parts inside of you.
February 5, 2006
it's been a very long day. a hard day. lots of flashbacks. lots of anxiety. i'm so afraid to go to sleep tonight.
i had really disturbing dreams last night and i need to just write them out. i'm starting to have flashbacks now that i'm awake and i'm terrified. my dream started off with the world trade center on september 11th. i was at the bottom of the twin towers, below ground level, i think. the towers started to fall but it was in slow motion. parts of the building would crumble and i would scramble underneath to get out of the way of falling debris. i would go down one hallway and see that there was no way out so i would turn down another hallway. there were a lot of times where i would crouch down in a corner and just wait. there was a lot of waiting and feeling terrified. i know i woke up several times during the night in a panic but i would fall right back to sleep and start dreaming again right where i left off before i woke up. the prevailing feelings throughout the dream was that of being underground and having things come down on top of me - in a sense, being buried alive. that is where the flashbacks are coming from now. i feel like i can't breathe and i feel trapped. i feel like there's not enough air or space.
Posted by Butterflyteam at 7:36 AM